Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Note to self: Less PBS, More Animal Planet

My best friend Amy is having some major doggie drama. We had a long talk about it last night. Having been married to Ted for less than a year it seems her newly blended family situation is in crisis mode.

Here is a list of all the critters currently living under her roof:

1. Her husband Ted

2. Her tween age daughter LBL

3. Ted's younger teen age son Sporto

4. Ted's older teen age son Emo

5. Ted's jumping, yapping 2 year old dog Chloe

6. Amy's jumping, yapping and curmudgeonly dog Rita, who is older than dirt

7. LBL's noisy, stinky guinea pig Sprinkles

8. Amy & LBL's cat Macy

9. Amy & LBL's cat Sebastian

10. Ted's 8 year old asshole Schnauzer named Max.

11. Let's not forget Amy, who is also noisy, stinky and yappy.

Max is causing monstrous amounts of trouble. He bites. He pees everywhere. Mainly the problem is He Bites.

I won't get into the details, but I'm sure you can imagine that their house is like an upside down zoo.

Anyhoo... after talking to Amy about her animal troubles and teen angst I talked to my friend Steph on the phone and set about recounting my entire conversation with Amy to her.

Gossip is such an ugly word. I prefer to think of it as a graphic and meaningful exchange of personal information about people other than myself.

Whatever you call it, when I was finished telling Steph all about the demon menace in Amy's household taking the earthy shape of a grouchy Schnauzer, Steph made the following insight:

"Sounds like they need to give Max the Caesar treatment."

I thought to myself, Well that seems kind of harsh.

Not understanding why Steph would immediately choose to resort to such violence and imagining poor old Max being stabbed repeatedly in the back by the entire family with a set of Chicago Cutlery steak knives.

Steph is a dog lover so I shook off my murderous canine mini drama and asked for some clarification.

Turns out Caesar is a reference to the canine behavior specialist who calls himself The Dog Whisperer. I've actually heard of this program, but had no idea that the guy's name is Caesar.

What a relief.
BTW - MDH and I have finalized plans to go on a long weekend, double date with Amy and Ted in June to Philadelphia.

I'm brimming over with excitement over this scheme.

Amy and I would never have attempted anything like this when she was married to Assface. I LOVE her husband Ted for many reasons, but not the least of which is that he gets along so great with MDH. It's like the perfect best friends scenerio when your choice of mate gets along with her choice of mate. Presto Pefecto.


Anonymous said...

You know what? I think everyone will be much happier if they just get rid of Sprinkles and both cats. There's no need for those guys. That's probably what's making Max so crazy.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Catherinette - Noted. I'll put your vote down as "no stabbing".

evil-e said...

Do they charge admission to get into that zoo? I would probably make it to the end of the driveway before I started sneezing. I would not be able to enter a house like that...

I am sniffling now just thinking about that...

WendyB said...

Exactly how old is dirt?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Evil - I love my girls and their newly adopted boys, but walking into that house will make you deaf with all the yapping and barking - and that's just the from the children. All I can say is - buy Dyson stock.

WendyB - Miss Rita is 14 years young. Which is like 7000 in dog years.

Family Adventure said...

Will Amy still go away with you after your "graphic and meaningful exchange of personal information" about her on the interweb??

Heidi :)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Heidi - No worries - I never blog about Amy and her clan without her express permission. I also tell her after it's posted so she can go out and read it if she wants to.

Gwen said...

I tallied:

5 people
3 dogs
2 cats
1 guinea pig

And all of them blended less than a year ago. That makes me shudder. I vote for stabbing.

CDP said...

That's a lot of animals. That's all I could think as I read this. I saw that Caesar show once while I was home with a sick child; he really is quite amazing.

mindy said...

Caesar will save the day! For realz. Max is probably a little stressed about all the new creatures in his life and just needs a little training. I love schnauzers.

Anonymous said...

I heard that the Dog Whisperer may have had some troubles with INS. Better get to whisperin' before he gets deported!

Mine and P's best couple to hang with are his brother and his girlfriend. I keep praying he'll put a ring on her finger. I don't know if I could ever like anyone else like I do her if he ever starts seeing someone else.

i am playing outside said...

hah. i read the post, then i came here to check what your response to my comment was. but then i remembered that i did not comment. out of school for two days and i've become intensely stupid. i love it. lol

SkylersDad said...

That's just a whole lot of critters!

Renaissance Woman said...

Sounds like fun...hope there is room for the both of you. I can't imagine having that many animals...I might vote for stabbing.

Churlita said...

My two daughters are enough critters for me, I think.

Anonymous said...

Philly? Are you staying with my mom? If you are, don't touch my stuff and don't you dare read my diary hidden under my old bed.

Anonymous said...

Hahah, I was thinking to myself, "Well maybe it's good the dog gets put down" but woops. No dog whisperer I would make ( says me who has homicidal thoughts about their own pet)

Anyhoo - I have no advice for your friend's animal and kid circus (least it'd be never boring at her house!!)
but the trip away sounds fabo. Fabulous-o.
It's a lovely thing when "the men" can talk and leave the girls alone.

Tara said...

I would've imagined the Julius Caesar scenario, too, before remembering that there is a dog whisperer out there.

That household sounds very loud and chaotic! They definitely need some vacation time.

pistols at dawn said...

Pets are like kids, only somehow even more worthless. I say trade em all on craigslist for a foosball table.

Leonesse said...

You could trade them OR you could duct tape them to a stick and make them into a foosball table.

Chris said...

I have a cat. I'm not sure why.

another good thing said...

The Caesar or the drive slow down the deserted country road in the next atate and open the door treatment.
Note: works equally well with teens and evil canines