If At First You Don't Succeed

It's safe to say that I've had a pretty weird summer. Jobless, in flux once again over our living arrangements (ie, MDH's job interviews in cities all over the country), and Jess's illness and eventual death pretty much all add up to a miserable season. To top it all off, the underlying theme to my summer has been the slow leak of my self worth. In all the job searching I've been doing all summer there haven't been any call backs.

It's weird not to be working and weirder still to not have a single bite from any employers. I'm fabulous, so surely there is something wrong with every HR department in this city if they can't see it. My cover letters are getting more and more bold and still nobody is noticing. I was talking with my friend Stephanie about this earlier in the week and the only conclusion we could come up with is that they are simply not being read. I've very seriously considered sending out a cover letter in all caps JUST TO SEE IF ANYONE WILL NOTICE ME!!!! Maybe I should just start outright lying and see if that works.

Dear Hiring Manager,

I am writing to let you know of my interest in the Perfect position you have posted on Monster.com.

My background is diverse and includes all of the skills and qualities you have listed in the posting. I have a great deal of experience working with and analyzing data, am an expert level user of most MS Office products including Excel and Access, and am also omniscient which comes in extremely handy for long and short term projects that require multi-tasking.

Most recently I have been working as a Software Trainer and Management Consultant in the veterinary industry. My outgoing personality, solid knowledge of small businesses, computers, and relational databases and the fact that I have the ability to know everything and be everywhere at once have been the key to my success in this position. I have a knack for problem solving, excellent communications skills and a magic cape that enables me to not only fly but also become invisible at will.

Your advertisement piqued my interest as my ideal career path will incorporate my unique combination of analytical skills, people skills and dark magic. In fact I could easily be described as an “outgoing analytic”. I hope, for your sake and for the sake of your children, when you read this along with my resume that you will be interested in talking to me in person about the opportunities you have available and how I can be an asset to your organization. Otherwise the angels will weep for you.
Thank you for your time and attention!
Sincerely,
Satan Herself