I've Been Ev-Er-Y-Where Man

My last job was supposed to be 50% travel, which sounds like a lot until I realized that it was turning into more like 60 to 75% travel, which made me want to cry. The crying led to begging my supervisors for some relief. The not getting of any relief resulted in the quitting of the job.

I quit via huffy email on a Sunday morning. I was leaving for the airport for my next job and decided to check my schedule one last time before I packed up my laptop and noticed that they squeezed in more work for me during my vacation. Huffy may be putting in kindly. I told them to fuck right off (politely, of course because that's the nature of passive-aggression).

Now I'm unemployed and have become a bad housewife. I clean some stuff and job search, but am generally bored out of my skull half the time (hence the new blog). Earlier today I had the ipod going while I was putting away groceries and that old Johnny Cash song came up. I hadn't heard it in awhile, but I always felt that it was like my road warrior anthem. I decided to take time out of my busy schedule and look up the lyrics and see just how many of the places in the song I'd actually been to. Turns out, quite a lot.

Here are the lyrics with my own personal touches:

I was totin my pack (laptop case) along the long dusty Winnamucka road (airport terminal)

When along came a semi with a high canvas covered load

If your goin' to Winnamucka, Mack with me you can ride (I said "Winna-whatta? And who're you calling Mack? Get lost ass-face!" and then waited half a fucking hour in the heat/cold/rain for the rental car shuttle)

And so I climbed into the cab (shuttle) and then I settled down inside (more like squeezed in among 70 sweaty strangers)

He (the idiot touristy-guy who must always strike up a conversation with me when I'm squeezed in, irritable and sweaty) asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand

And I said, "Listen! I've traveled every road in this here land! (can't you see I'm exhausted and in no mood to talk?)"

I've been everywhere, man (Yucca Valley, CA)
I've been everywhere, man (Sharon, MA)

Crossed the deserts bare, man (in a rental car with broken air conditioning)

I've breathed the mountain air, man (a 3 hour white-knuckler in the snow at 3000 feet with no guardrails)

Travel I've had my share, man (a bag of 3 mini-pretzels and a thimble of Diet Pepsi)

I've been everywhere (I had to buy tampons at a truck stop)

I've been to:

Reno (and I lost my ass because the hotel was also a casino)
Chicago (can't complain about anything but the traffic)
Fargo (nope - but I've been to Yankton, oh never mind that's South Dakota)
Minnesota (I used to call my husband right outside Larry Clark's men's room in front of the big giant aviator Snoopy)
Buffalo (Buff-a-hole)
Toronto (Yahoo maps for Canada suck)
Winslow
Sarasota (don't remember)
Wichita
Tulsa
Ottowa
Oklahoma
Tampa (flew there when my friend died, but it still counts)
Panama
Mattua
LaPaloma
Bangor (got rerouted from JFK during a thunderstorm and sat on the tarmac for 4 hours)
Baltimore (charm city my ass - put up some fucking street signs)
Salvador
Amarillo
Tocapillo
Pocotello
Amperdllo

I've been everywhere, man (in line for the ladies room at O'Hare till I start to cramp and what's with the automatic toilet seat covers that stick to your butt?)

I've been everywhere, man (listening to inane conversations of strangers (to each other and on cell phones) and screaming babies for hours)

Crossed the deserts bare, man (at night when there are no street lights and I half expect Leatherface to jump in front of my car, but the stars are pretty)

I've breathed the mountain air, man (there's no guardrail, don't look down, don't look down)

Travel - I've had my share, man (I can poop pretty much anywhere now)

I've been everywhere (I keep toilet paper in my purse)

I've been to:
Boston (thank god I've never had to drive in that city)
Charleston (lovely, it really is)
Dayton (great Air Force Museum - lousy line for airport security)
Lousiana
Washington (DC - but somehow never the state)
Houston (why would anyone live there? - it's muggy and all the houses look alike)
Kingston
Texas (County)
Monterey (had a great time can't complain)
Fairaday
Santa Fe
Tollaperson
Glen Rock
Black Rock
Little Rock
Oskaloussa
Tennessee (scrubby landscapes but the people and the BBQ are amazing)
Tinnesay
Chickapee
Spirit Lake
Grand Lake (didn't see the lake - too busy working)
Devil's Lake (near my uncle's house)
Crater Lake (have flown over it)

For Pete's Sake I've been everywhere, man (Horseheads, NY)

I've been everywhere, man (ate Subway for every meal because it was the only restaurant for miles and miles)

Crossed the deserts bare, man (Carefree Highway has no speed limit. None.)

I've breathed the mountain air, man (and kissed the ground when I came back down. I'm from the flatland baby)

Travel - I've had my share, man (stayed at a motel in rural Nevada that had no alarm clock, one blanket, one lumpy pillow and no maid service. I cried.)

I've been everywhere (rutted dirt roads that crack your teeth - always wear a support bra in corn country)

I've been to:
Louisville (actually have gone there for fun and would live there in a minute. If you ever go there avoid the damned horse race and eat at Lily's)
Nashville
Knoxville (have I been here? Maybe it was Memphis...)
Omerback
Shereville
Jacksonville (I worked for some great people here)
Waterville
Costa Rock
Richfield (or was it Richmond??)
Springfield (when I'm there I'm the (WARNING LINK WILL PLAY MUSIC) prettiest girl in town)
Bakersfield (don't remember, but I Know I was there)
Shreveport
Hakensack
Cadallic (it's my halfway point between home and the wilderness of Boyne City)
Fond du Lac
Davenport
Idaho (had to go there to get to Yankton SD)
Jellico
Argentina
Diamondtina
Pasadena
Catalina

See What I Mean (are you still reading this??)

I've been everywhere, man (Newport, OR where I could see whales spouting from my hotel room window)

I've been everywhere, man (Temekula, CA home of (WARNING IF YOU ARE AT WORK - clicking this link will cause music to play!!!)Tori & Dean)
Crossed the deserts bare, man (nearly wrecked when I saw roadkill that looked like an enormous hairy armadillo, but turned out to be something called a javelina)

I've breathed the mountain air, man

Travel - I've had my share, man

I've been everywhere (Ortonville, MI)

I've been to:
Pittsburgh (people there talk funny)
Parkersburg (across the river from beautiful Marietta)
Gravelburg
Colorado (involved more white-knuckle driving on some ice - again no guardrails)
Ellisburg
Rexburg
Vicksburg (maybe it was Leesburg - it was all civil-warish)
Eldorado
Larimore
Adimore
Habastock
Chadanocka
Shasta (I hate you Mount Shasta. Refer to white-knuck moments above)
Nebraska (for about 20 minutes cause you could drive there from Yankton)
Alaska
Opalacka
Baraboo
Waterloo
Kalamazoo (it's about half an hour from home so I rejoiced when I had jobs there - I could sleep in my own bed - Yeah Kalamazoo!)
Kansas City (thought it would be cool but it wasn't)
Souix City (nothing to report)
Cedar City (had to fly here so I could drive to Yankton)
Dodge City

There's another chorus of I've been blah, blah, blah. You get the picture. Of course I've been to lots more places than that, but none of them are in a song.