Important Life Lessons

When I as in the 4th grade my teacher, Mrs. Hawkins, told me something that I never forgot. She told me something that has influenced my life and many decisions I have made throughout the years.

While helping me prepare for an oral report about Francis Scott Key, she suggested that I sing the Star Spangled Banner in front of the class. The idea of making such a spectacle of myself in front of my entire class frightened me out of my little mind, so I said simply, "I can't". She frowned and barked, "Can't?! Can't is for the weak minded. Can't never did anything". Powerful stuff. Thank you Mrs. Hawkins.

Mrs. Hawkins was right, you should never say that you can't do something.

To this day I think of Mrs. Hawkins, those words, and the valuable lesson she taught me whenever I am confronted with difficult situations or am asked to perform difficult tasks. I never say that I can't do something.

Instead I say - "No way you crazy bitch", "I don't want to", "No thank you", or "I am far too busy".

10 True Things

1. Every night I read myself to sleep. Depending on the book and how much my head is chattering it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 or 3 hours before I'm soothed enough for sleeping, and sometimes not at all, so I end up reading quite a lot. I have to have a book going at all times, but I can only read one book at a time, unlike MDH who tends to have several things going at once.

2. I have trouble mingling with the general public. It doesn't take much, a kicked movie seat, half a second of an overly loud cell phone conversation or dodging people who stand and chat at the foot of a staircase or in front of a door is enough to make me wish I never had to leave the house again. Hell, actual human beings don't even have to be present. The sight of a blatantly lopsided parked car inspires me to drop from society entirely and go live in a cave.

3. I am overly dramatic. See above.


4. Like Gwen, I too have been blessed with an excellent set of choppers. I get compliments on my teeth all the time, which used to bother me when I was younger as I would have rather gotten compliments on numerous other features, qualities and body parts, but these days I don't mind and will take any compliment bone that anyone is willing to throw my way.

5. I don't always brush my teeth before I go to bed, which considering the amount of garlic and onions I consume on a daily basis probably accounts greatly for the decline of my sex life. Ah, my poor darling, MDH. Although, I suppose that on the nights that I do decide to brush my teeth before bed, it's easier for him to tell when it's cool to make a move because the minty freshness is clearly a sign that the sexual green light is lit. It's practically foreplay.

6. I'm writing this post as a draft in my email while I'm working today because I cannot concentrate on my work. This typically never happens. When I'm working I usually have pretty intense focus, but lately I can't get my shit together. I'm blaming the holidays and the fact that there is hardly anyone else here and see below.

7. Thursday before last I had my 3rd interview for a full time, whoopi-di-do, big deal, permanant position with the company I am currently contracting for, in a different but nearby department. The whoopi-di-do and the big deal I refer to come from deep within my gut and contain not one single ounce of sarcasm. As much as I don't like to get my hopes up, about anything really, I have turned around and pinned all of my hopes and dreams on getting this job.

8. Outwardly I have been very cool about the whole thing and making attempts to distract myself from worrying, but on the inside I'm screaming and jumping up and down and won't stop until I find out if I got the job. Oh, and reading your blogs instead of working. Thanks guys.

9. My current pet peeve while driving is people who come to a complete stop, when there is no stop sign or red light, before making a right turn. See #2 above.

10. I hoard chocolate candy in the desk drawer of my home office. It's usually chocolates because MDH tends to put chocolate in the refrigerator and I really can't stand for chocolate to be cold and crunchy unless it has nuts or puffed rice in it. Chocolate should be room temperature and all for me.

If You Need Immediate Assistance You Can Go Piss Up a Rope

I've been working at a job I truly enjoy, with a great bunch of lovely people that I truly like, since the middle of February. I'm a temp and, unbelievably fabulous and amazing though I am, have been given no promise of permanent employment. Not even a smidge. Oh sure, they all tell me how great I am and have thanked me with kind words and a few small bonuses here and there, but my ID badge is dated Jan 15, 2009. My expiration date.

It's sad really, but on the other hand, being a temp gives me great freedom to say fuck it, when certain situations arise.

Be that as it may, I have done the best work possible for these people. I never say no when someone gives me an assignment or complain no matter how crappy that assignment may be. I smile, and say "Sure!", although I might ask how soon it's needed so that I can better prioritize all the other 10 kazillion things they have me doing. I have to prioritize because I have to somehow fit it all into an 8 hour day. I'm an hourly employee and not approved for any overtime.

I make it happen because I am good and I am trustworthy. I am Supertemp. You can rely on me.

Lately, because summer is drawing to it's close and the people I work with are gainfully employed and have all worked there longer than dirt (this month Hey Mr. DJ celebrates his 38th year with the company with no sign of eminent retirement) and subsequently have more vacation time, sick time, and personal days racked up than I ever dreamed would be possible in a lifetime, let alone in one year, they are often out of the office - and have all apparently decided that I am a terrific out of office back up.

I'm a temp. I don't get vacation days. I am always there. Every ding dong day. Reliable, that's me.

It's fine when it's one person. But when it is 3 or 4 people and on one occasion recently FIVE people - it's just simply not OK.

I should mention that I barely have time to perform my own job and fulfill my own responsibilities and tasks within a what always seems to be a very short 8 hour day.

Frankly, it's getting old.

So here is a message to all of the people who have slammed me, and will probably continue to slam me during my coworkers absences, with arm flapping emails marked "Urgent!", with all caps in the subject line and little flaming envelope icons:

I'm only vaguely aware of some of the projects that my lovely teammates are currently working on.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to help you when time permits and when my associates have given me the tools and background information that I need to help you. But they didn't. They only fill me in on the truly important stuff and since I have no fucking idea what the bloody hell you are talking about, I can only assume that you are:

a.) a giant liar head
b.) mistaken
c.) in a deep bucket of shit because you waited until the last minute to do this "Urgent!" thing and forgot that my co-worker was going to be out of the office
d.) all of the above

Don't get me wrong, I am indeed a whiz, and I really (sort-of) would like to help you out, but you are misguided if you think that I am so intimately up my collective coworkers asses as to be able to read their minds from afar. And no, I'm not going to try to reach them at home.

As I mentioned before I don't even know what the fuck you are drivelling about, so don't ask me to make snap decisions on their behalves, try to gain access to their files, or have all the relevant numbers for your project memorized.

You are shit out of luck.

They are not here.

It will have to wait until they come back.

Re-fucking-lax.

Oh, and while I'm at it - It is not OK to cram an entire message into the subject line of your email. It's an email, not a text message. Even if you somehow manage to squeeze "pls" and "thx" in there, it's rude. Stop it.