GPS = Going Postal Shortly

Saturday morning I stumbled out of bed, waddled to the kitchen and pressed the button to start the coffee (I always make it the night before so that I don't have to count out scoops and pour water because I'm not the most graceful of creatures when I wake up - I think I mentioned some stumbling) and looked out my kitchen window to see a glorious display of sparkling sunshine. I did a double take and threw my glasses on to make sure the thermometer outside the window really said 60 degrees. It really did.

Suddenly I was wide awake. I knew that the sun shining on the thermometer was probably giving it a few extra degrees, but still, not quite 10am on a shiny Saturday morning and it's almost 60? C'mon, we gotta get out of here.

So I burst back into our bedroom and leaped on top of MDH, who was still snoozing, and started jumping up and down and jostling him all over. Wake up man (bounce). It might be our last day of sunshine and warmth before we're snowed in for the next 5 months (bounce-bounce). Get up, let's go, daylight is a wastin'!

Props to my sleepy head darling. He always seems to come through with no fussing on such occasions as an exuberant, overly perky wife bouncing on his head on a Saturday morning, demanding that he wake the hell up, throw on some clothes and a ball cap and get the hell out of the house.

Originally we were just going to go for a little walk around our neighborhood, several blocks down to the farmer's market and then on to our favorite little brunch spot (my personal favorite is the Hash Benedict found on menu page 4 (with potatoes, of course)), but I decided instead to go for something a bit more outdoorsy. I know. It's out of character for me. We ended up driving a few towns over to a big park with paved walking and bike paths that meander through beautiful woods and over trickling streams and such. We had never been there before, but it didn't look that big on the map I printed from the park website. Even considering my fucked up ankle it seemed do-able.

So we walked and walked, and walked, and walked. It was great. Up to a point. The point at which it stopped being great was when I realized that we had been walking for almost an hour and everything had started to look the same and we had not encountered another living soul for quite awhile. Not even a squirrel.

More significantly, at the same moment I also realized that I was starving and I had to pee - now. I stopped abruptly and declared victory on our outdoorsy walk in the woods assuming that we would of course be turning around and walking back out the way we came in.

Alas it was not going to shake out like that. No.

MDH has never been a man who likes to take the same route twice and consulted the GPS on his Blackberry for a route that would not require turning around. He announced that we were almost out of the woods anyway and that we had only to keep going a little further and would "soon" encounter a cemetery and after that a "neighborhood" which would provide a "flat", "paved" route for us to walk back to our car.

Yes the quotes are there to denote exactly the words that MDH used and also to emphasize the fact that our route back to the car was none of these things.

It was not soon.

Once we found the cemetery what we encountered next was certainly not a neighborhood and definitely not flat.

Although the road was indeed paved it was so busy with speeding traffic that I was forced much of the way to walk in the gravel berm (over several different lumps of roadkill of various species and states of decay).

All the while MDH, who recognized his blunder, kept flapping his lips and saying things like "almost there" and using words like "adventure" and "excitement". Again - it was none of those things.

Our exciting, almost there adventure caused me to become two things I truly hate to be - sweaty and dirty - at the same time. Plus after stepping in what I'm pretty sure used to be a baby rabbit I wanted to burn my shoes, hurl them into the woods and incinerate the whole goddamn place. I didn't do that of course, but if I had had my purse with me I would have used it to beat MDH senseless.

Eventually we made it back to the car and the outhouse style smelly hole in the ground toilet with no tissue that I had considered using before we started walking but had decided to wait because it looked like a smelly hole in the ground that probably didn't have any toilet tissue. So after all that time I had hold it in just that much longer so that I could trek back to the car to grab some of the surplus fast food napkins that thank baby jesus I always store in the glove box in case of such emergencies.

Anyhoo... I lived to tell the tale. I'm feeling as inspirational as that blind guy that climbed Mt. Everest. I might even write a book and there will be a Lifetime Original movie about how I managed to survive the elements, skipped breakfast and used Wendy's napkins for toilet paper.

A Random Shit List

1. Foil yogurt lids that seem specifically designed to spooge all over your clean blouse, computer monitor or any nearby surface that you would prefer not appear to be splashed with a pale creamy substance. Is there a brand of yogurt that has a lid designed to avoid lid-spooge? Can we have that please?

2. Person who drove a big giant beat up old camper to work every day last week and took up four parking spaces. Not that it inconvenienced me in any real way, other than that there were three less spaces available for the rest of us, but the idea of it bugged the shit out of me on many levels. However, as I walked by it each day on my way into the building I began to imagine all of the ways it would be inconvenient, expensive and not just a little embarrassing to be reduced to driving a big giant beat up old camper as your every day vehicle and then I wondered if perhaps you haven't hit upon some pretty hard times and don't need the added burden of my silent scorn. Or maybe you are just a dick.

3. Mysterious otherness in the butter. Actually, anything other than butter in the butter whether it is mysterious or recognizable is wrong, wrong, wrong.

4. ATM machines that ask me to choose English or Spanish for my transaction.

Um.... English.

I don't recall using an ATM anywhere else in the world that asked me to choose a language. In France you get French, in Mexico you get Spanish and so on.

I forgot to press the button to get cash back with my very important purchase of a hay bale sized box of maxi pads, peanut butter ice cream, and a bag of Cheetos at the check out counter in CVS the other day so I decided to use the cash machine next to the front door on my way out. It's the kind of purchase that really helps to explain the current delicate condition of my psyche. Anyhoo.. the ATM asked me not only to choose English or Spanish, which as I explained I already find irritating, but after I chose English it then asked me IN ENGLISH - You have chosen English for this transaction - is that correct?

Uh yeah... I meant to choose English, but riddle me this - If I had accidentally chosen the wrong language how would I be able to read your dumbass follow up question?

Also wondering aloud if anyone out there happens to be a designer of ATM machines - why the fuck is there a braille option on the drive-up ATM?

That is all for now - thank you for listening.

UPDATE 2:58PM - Just to clarify: I do not hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish out of any militant anti-immigration leanings. Frankly I could care less. The more the merrier I always say. No. I hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish because it is a waste of my precious time.

10 True Things

1. Every night I read myself to sleep. Depending on the book and how much my head is chattering it can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 or 3 hours before I'm soothed enough for sleeping, and sometimes not at all, so I end up reading quite a lot. I have to have a book going at all times, but I can only read one book at a time, unlike MDH who tends to have several things going at once.

2. I have trouble mingling with the general public. It doesn't take much, a kicked movie seat, half a second of an overly loud cell phone conversation or dodging people who stand and chat at the foot of a staircase or in front of a door is enough to make me wish I never had to leave the house again. Hell, actual human beings don't even have to be present. The sight of a blatantly lopsided parked car inspires me to drop from society entirely and go live in a cave.

3. I am overly dramatic. See above.


4. Like Gwen, I too have been blessed with an excellent set of choppers. I get compliments on my teeth all the time, which used to bother me when I was younger as I would have rather gotten compliments on numerous other features, qualities and body parts, but these days I don't mind and will take any compliment bone that anyone is willing to throw my way.

5. I don't always brush my teeth before I go to bed, which considering the amount of garlic and onions I consume on a daily basis probably accounts greatly for the decline of my sex life. Ah, my poor darling, MDH. Although, I suppose that on the nights that I do decide to brush my teeth before bed, it's easier for him to tell when it's cool to make a move because the minty freshness is clearly a sign that the sexual green light is lit. It's practically foreplay.

6. I'm writing this post as a draft in my email while I'm working today because I cannot concentrate on my work. This typically never happens. When I'm working I usually have pretty intense focus, but lately I can't get my shit together. I'm blaming the holidays and the fact that there is hardly anyone else here and see below.

7. Thursday before last I had my 3rd interview for a full time, whoopi-di-do, big deal, permanant position with the company I am currently contracting for, in a different but nearby department. The whoopi-di-do and the big deal I refer to come from deep within my gut and contain not one single ounce of sarcasm. As much as I don't like to get my hopes up, about anything really, I have turned around and pinned all of my hopes and dreams on getting this job.

8. Outwardly I have been very cool about the whole thing and making attempts to distract myself from worrying, but on the inside I'm screaming and jumping up and down and won't stop until I find out if I got the job. Oh, and reading your blogs instead of working. Thanks guys.

9. My current pet peeve while driving is people who come to a complete stop, when there is no stop sign or red light, before making a right turn. See #2 above.

10. I hoard chocolate candy in the desk drawer of my home office. It's usually chocolates because MDH tends to put chocolate in the refrigerator and I really can't stand for chocolate to be cold and crunchy unless it has nuts or puffed rice in it. Chocolate should be room temperature and all for me.

Communication Breakdown

Churlita's recent post about texting and how some people either love it or hate it, inspired me to muddle over some other communication problems I have, or rather, problems I have with communication.

Communication Pet Peeve #1
MDH seems to think that I have the ability to hear him when we are on opposite sides of the house. He is wrong. I cannot.

I can however vaguely make out that he is speaking in a loud tone and it sounds like a question and ends with what sounds like the words Honey Bunny. This is how I can tell the difference between his frequent random yelling at the television and when he is speaking to me from 1800 square feet away and between 5 walls. Either way, I ignore, yet quietly curse him.

Communication Pet Peeve #2
Although I am guilty of doing this one sometimes myself, I hate it when people try to talk to me while they are yawning. I cannot understand it. I don't tend to think it's funny, especially when it's done over the phone. Everything sounds like "Rawr, yarf eeee rarrrf." I credit my friend Amy for first bringing this to my attention as she used to complain about her ex-huband yawn talking all the time and she ended up passing her peeve along to me.

Communication Pet Peeve #3
When someone calls and I am on the phone with my mother and the call waiting kicks in I do not answer it as my mother thinks that it is rude to put her on hold while I answer another call.

Whatever. I do this for her, she is my mother.

If I'm on the phone with anyone else besides my mom I use it. What grinds my nerves is when I'm on the phone with my mom, purposely not answering the call waiting and the person either keeps letting it ring or keeps calling back, kicking in the call waiting over and over and over and over. It usually turns out to be one of my brother's in law who urgently needs to discuss some Boston related sports issue with my husband. They always deny doing it.

Communication Pet Peeve #4
Getting calls from people who have no idea that they have called you. You can hear them in the background ordering from the Burger King drive thru, talking to someone else (perhaps they are talking about you), or maybe you just hear the vague sounds of paper rustling, music or talk radio.

This person is completely oblivious to the fact that they have called you from inside their purse or pocket and this asshole certainly has no idea that you were in the middle of a serious BM and went running to the phone with your pants around your ankles because you were expecting a call about a job interview.

No? Did that just happen to me? Oh well.

Anyhoo... I imagine that they sat down on their cell phone and accidentally dialed my number with their ass. I am also guilty of this one, but not since I got a flip phone.

Communication Pet Peeve #5
Getting text messages from people I barely know. I used to have a coworker who could never seem to email or call me like a normal person. She was always with the texting and it was always to tell me some bullshit that could have waited. The fact that I don't really understand the texting shorthand and it makes me feel old and farty increases the annoying factor by like 1000%.

Update 05/07/2008 6:24am - realized pre-coffee that in addition to Churlita I should probably credit Catherinette Singleton's recent call waiting post as providing inspiration as well...