Wednesday, September 10, 2008

If You Need Immediate Assistance You Can Go Piss Up a Rope

I've been working at a job I truly enjoy, with a great bunch of lovely people that I truly like, since the middle of February. I'm a temp and, unbelievably fabulous and amazing though I am, have been given no promise of permanent employment. Not even a smidge. Oh sure, they all tell me how great I am and have thanked me with kind words and a few small bonuses here and there, but my ID badge is dated Jan 15, 2009. My expiration date.

It's sad really, but on the other hand, being a temp gives me great freedom to say fuck it, when certain situations arise.

Be that as it may, I have done the best work possible for these people. I never say no when someone gives me an assignment or complain no matter how crappy that assignment may be. I smile, and say "Sure!", although I might ask how soon it's needed so that I can better prioritize all the other 10 kazillion things they have me doing. I have to prioritize because I have to somehow fit it all into an 8 hour day. I'm an hourly employee and not approved for any overtime.

I make it happen because I am good and I am trustworthy. I am Supertemp. You can rely on me.

Lately, because summer is drawing to it's close and the people I work with are gainfully employed and have all worked there longer than dirt (this month Hey Mr. DJ celebrates his 38th year with the company with no sign of eminent retirement) and subsequently have more vacation time, sick time, and personal days racked up than I ever dreamed would be possible in a lifetime, let alone in one year, they are often out of the office - and have all apparently decided that I am a terrific out of office back up.

I'm a temp. I don't get vacation days. I am always there. Every ding dong day. Reliable, that's me.

It's fine when it's one person. But when it is 3 or 4 people and on one occasion recently FIVE people - it's just simply not OK.

I should mention that I barely have time to perform my own job and fulfill my own responsibilities and tasks within a what always seems to be a very short 8 hour day.

Frankly, it's getting old.

So here is a message to all of the people who have slammed me, and will probably continue to slam me during my coworkers absences, with arm flapping emails marked "Urgent!", with all caps in the subject line and little flaming envelope icons:

I'm only vaguely aware of some of the projects that my lovely teammates are currently working on.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy to help you when time permits and when my associates have given me the tools and background information that I need to help you. But they didn't. They only fill me in on the truly important stuff and since I have no fucking idea what the bloody hell you are talking about, I can only assume that you are:

a.) a giant liar head

b.) mistaken
c.) in a deep bucket of shit because you waited until the last minute to do this "Urgent!" thing and forgot that my co-worker was going to be out of the office
d.) all of the above

Don't get me wrong, I am indeed a whiz, and I really (sort-of) would like to help you out, but you are misguided if you think that I am so intimately up my collective coworkers asses as to be able to read their minds from afar. And no, I'm not going to try to reach them at home.

As I mentioned before I don't even know what the fuck you are drivelling about, so don't ask me to make snap decisions on their behalves, try to gain access to their files, or have all the relevant numbers for your project memorized.

You are shit out of luck.

They are not here.

It will have to wait until they come back.

Re-fucking-lax.


Oh, and while I'm at it - It is not OK to cram an entire message into the subject line of your email. It's an email, not a text message. Even if you somehow manage to squeeze "pls" and "thx" in there, it's rude. Stop it.

18 comments:

pistols at dawn said...

You know, Supertemp's not bad, but I've always preferred the deep album cuts of Supertramp.

Suze said...

I'm going to send you a superhero cape - with the big letters "ST" on it. Or maybe one with a big "STD" on it - your co-workers will probably leave you alone then.

i am playing outside said...

i'll be mailing you a flaming envelope of problems ASAP. Mark in HR said you'll help me with them. So you damn well better!

Tara said...

There's a girl at work who is the secretary of our school's director. When she thinks she needs to yell at us, she uses all caps, bold and red. With a font size of, I'd say, 20. I'm used to it though, and I sent her a Maxine cartoon that reads "Don't make me use CAPS!"

And I got the urgent message today from a guy. In fact, he didn't say "urgent", he rudely used the word "Hurry!" And then finished up by saying, "Not to put pressure on you..." Ugh.

Renaissance Woman said...

I want to support your Supertemp status along with Suze...so I will send the tights to go with the cape. I envy your temp status! Means you really can walk away and start over when you are ready. Screw those stupid coworkers.

SPARSELY KATE said...

When I grow up and get a real job, I want to be just like you!!

I love all that office politics stuff.

SPARSELY KATE said...

p.s If you've got the cape and the tights, can I please send you the eye mask?!

Willow said...

Guess it's down to me to send the weapons then.

Any preference? Or will the lasers shooting from your eyes that make all their computers explode be enough?

evilesb138 said...

the first part or the post could have been written by me....

I was actually hired in directly to a company of a many temps and agency placed personnel.

We have a part-timer/temp who helps our department and my two co-workers beat the shit out of her. I actually had to show some authority (I was hired to eventually replace my boss) and talk to these two ladies because they do a lot of what you mentioned in the second part of the post. I cannot abide temp-abusers...I was a temp for many years and can appreciate the struggles.

I agree about cramming the entire email in the subject line...hell, I hate emails longer than four sentences.

CDP said...

The message in the subject line thing is a particular pet peeve of mine (as are "pls" and "thx"...no one is so effing busy that they can't type those words in their entirety).

Leonesse said...

Please don't scare me any more than I already am. shudders...

Churlita said...

Oh, the joys of working in an office. We pay our temps about half what we make and don't give them benefits, but expect them to do the same work we do. I'm waiting for the bloody temp rebellion that's bound to happen soon.

BeckEye said...

I kind of liked when I was a temp, until I found this really great company that I really liked working for, and if my job had become permanent, I'd be making $10K more than I am right now. They all said they loved me, I would most likely stick around, blah blah blah, but they hired an executive assistant and suddenly decided that they no longer needed an office manager, and combined the two jobs together and gave the position to her. They claimed that she had SO much more exec assistant experience than me, but I had to train her. She was definitely pulling the wool over everyone's eyes, or she was sleeping with all of her bosses, because she was as dumb as dirt and asked the same questions 500 times.

The Imaginary Reviewer said...

I'm a temp right now too, but I'm apathetic. Could you be my mentor?

Michelle said...

Now I remember why I really don't miss working in an office!

another good thing said...

Well, looks like you've got the outfit and the attitude worked out. What can I send you? A job offer?

Gwen said...

I just stopped by to see if you had anything new (sometimes my feed reader is wonky) and realized I never commented on this one. Which is weird because I really thought I had. I don't remember what I said so is this sufficient? Love ya! Come back to us soon!

Superstar said...

I am reminded, while reading your post, about a book, "Time management, monkey management". I hear you on loving being a temp! Gawd knows I really LOVED it too. However, there are times, when the "monkey" AKA the project, is simply put, "NOT MY MONKEY".

Anyway, it's a short read, and honestly, one of the best uses of my time EVER!

BTW, my drycleaner repo'd my superwoman costume, do you think I could borrow yours? hehehehe

Good luck on the work!!