Wednesday, May 21, 2008

0.0 Miles from Crazy

MDH and I will be off visiting my folks this weekend. We visit every year on Memorial Day weekend, and usually squeeze in a couple of days away by ourselves at Disney World or something, but this year we decided to spend the entire time with my parents.

What the fuck were we thinking?

My parents are lovely people. Truly, they are. If you were to meet them you'd say my god, what lovely people! And you'd be right, they are wonderful and amazing and I am lucky to have been raised by two such as they, but after about 2 days they will annoy the living shit out of me.

We aren't even there yet and it has taken 4 days of negotiations via email and phone calls to make plans for MDH and I to go to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It has been decided that since my mother doesn't want to see the movie and my father thinks that the sound systems in modern movie theaters are too loud that MDH and I will go to the movies by ourselves. Thank you baby Jeebus.

Meanwhile since the movie theater is too far away to go by golf cart and they are paranoid about anyone driving their car, they have decided that it is no trouble at all for them to drive us to the movies and then pick us up when the movie is over. Like we're in middle school over here.

After 5 days trapped in The Villages with my folks don't be shocked if you see me and MDH on the news flying down the freeway a la OJ Simpson, back to Orlando in a stolen golf cart. That's just a joke. I'm not planning to stab anyone.

Wish me drunk, I mean luck.

25 comments:

Utah Savage said...

It's always interesting to me how NOBODY likes to spend time with their parents. Mine were heinous when I was a kid--both were serious child abusers and I was their only child--for proof of this read my novel Maggy. Yet, even people who had wonderful parents hate to spend time with the parents. Now that I'm old and childless--is there any wonder why I'm childless--I have friends who have grown children, and my friends just love going for a week to spend with their kids. I try to remind them how we felt when we were in our twenties, thirties, and forties, but they always say, "Oh my kids just love to have me stay with them." And I think, "like hell they do."

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Utah - visiting my folks is always bittersweet. We do really have fun with them, but I'm always VERY ready to leave. They make me nuts. Their moving to Florida did wonders for our relationship.

My sisters kids don't seem to want to move out of her house - what's up with that? She's every bit as annoying as our parents were and yet her kid act like they like her. Weird.

sparsely kate said...

No seriously, I wish you drunk, drunk times. I'm scratching my skin just thinking about the special type of attention you guys are going to get!! My Dad can be very much like that too, but God love him.

I think you are marvelous and fabulous for doing the trip, but you'll need a flask of vodka on your hip to get through the rough bits ;)

evil-e said...

Have fun with that, at least it will be warmer down there than it is here in the Great Lakes region. My folks are great as well, but they do not annoy me and my brother like other parents do. We actually all get along really well. Which is weird and dysfunctional these days.

Family Adventure said...

I'll wish for lots of wine for you.

Heidi

CDP said...

Oh my. Yes, I love my mama, but five days in the house with her with no car of my own would drive me to the edge. Have fun at Del Boca Vista!

Step Right Up said...

Sneak off to the hotel in Champions Gate in Orlando for a night. P and I just spent three nights there and spent all our time on their lazy river with Rum Runners.

r cubed said...

Ha ha, that's hilarious, golf carts and all. I remember spending Christmas with a boyfriend and his grandparents in "Leisure World" in Arizona. Everyone drove golf carts or gold cadillacs. His grandparents would not let my boyfriend park his VW bus in their driveway for fear that oil might drip out on the pristine driveway. It was awesome. Much alcohol was consumed.

SkylersDad said...

Liquor doesn't begin to touch the type of numbing I need to go visit my in-laws.

I require prescription strength pharmaceuticals...

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I never even knew about the whole golf cart transportation thing until recently, when my aunt & uncle moved to Ocala. Very strange.

Churlita said...

I love my family in theory...Practice is a little harder. I'm telling you, the weekend family visit works best. Any longer than two days, and I just might stab someone.

Gwen said...

OMG. They ARE NOT driving you to the movies! You just might stab someone. Call me if you need bail money.

Renaissance Woman said...

Love that you are going to be dropped off...hope they don't buy tickets to the movie to sit behind you and make sure there will be no kissing.

I can't wait to hear all of the stories. Made me smile!

Alice said...

Yowza! I have a 3 day max with my folks - and at least I have my own car with me. Maybe you should go see a double feature.

Michelle said...

Well, I can't even handle spending the day with my mom. A few hours is enough. I love that they're driving you to the movies! Good luck!!

Coaster Punchman said...

This sounds like a Seinfeld episode. Since you are being dropped off and picked up as if you're in middle school, I think you should behave the entire trip as if you ARE in middle school. Throw hormonal tantrums and all that. Stay out late and then when you're questioned have a total spaz.

Here's an idea: why don't you guys just rent your own car for the week? It shouldn't be that much. While you will likely have a drama or two on where to park it in their driveway etc., at least you'll be able to flee on a moment's notice.

Leonesse said...

My mother and stepfather moved from AZ to Florida the same day I moved up here to hell, I found out later from my brother. Haven't talked to her in about 5 years. I like it that way.

And LOL at r-cubed. I used to drive by Leisure World every day. Nice globe.

Suze's Sass said...

I always find that visiting the parents is always "one day too long". Drink well - I mean drive safely :)

i am playing outside said...

i hope you're having fun/had fun. just be glad you're not me. for the next 14 weeks [and the past 2] i am living with my mom and working with my dad. you embrace those 4 days. lol

doorknob_dan said...

At one point in my adult life, I lived with my parents for a few months due to work/logistics and was 12 hours away from my fiancee for weeks at a time.

We were at constant odds -my parents and I, and in the end they regretted my decision to kill them while they slept.

I'm just kidding. They're dead, they don't regret anything.

Just kidding, they're not dead, we got along fine.

('Cept whack-a-mole wasn't as easy to get away with when there's the possibility that at any moment mom's going to burst in offer me a fucking freshly-baked bran muffin. I swear their generation never shucked their own corncobs from time to time [daily] [okay, hourly].)

BeckEye said...

I have a theory that people don't like spending time with their parents because they usually are just a reminder of exactly how they will be when they reach that age. Hell, I'm only 35 and I find myself saying and doing things that my 80 year old father does. Scary. I love getting to spend time with him though. But yeah, he still drives me crazy! :)

Hope you had a good time.

Leah said...

LOL!! I hope you and hubby survived. I am sure you will need to detox on many levels at this point. So, what movie did you go see to create so many issues? Indiana Jones??

pistols at dawn said...

This is what awaits me whenever my parents make the inevitable move to God's Waiting Room. My great fear is that I already complain and hate leaving the house; where do I have to go as I get older?

gizmorox said...

The Villages? Oh goodness. You have my pity. I work for the company that publishes their phone book and while I'm sure your parents are lovely people, there is a large percentage of complete nutjobs in that town. It is a bizarre world unto itself. I hope you survived ok!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Thank you all for your comments, insights, suggestions and general sympathy - I have returned from this adventure and promise to post about it very soon.