0.0 Miles from Crazy

MDH and I will be off visiting my folks this weekend. We visit every year on Memorial Day weekend, and usually squeeze in a couple of days away by ourselves at Disney World or something, but this year we decided to spend the entire time with my parents.

What the fuck were we thinking?

My parents are lovely people. Truly, they are. If you were to meet them you'd say my god, what lovely people! And you'd be right, they are wonderful and amazing and I am lucky to have been raised by two such as they, but after about 2 days they will annoy the living shit out of me.

We aren't even there yet and it has taken 4 days of negotiations via email and phone calls to make plans for MDH and I to go to the movies on Saturday afternoon. It has been decided that since my mother doesn't want to see the movie and my father thinks that the sound systems in modern movie theaters are too loud that MDH and I will go to the movies by ourselves. Thank you baby Jeebus.

Meanwhile since the movie theater is too far away to go by golf cart and they are paranoid about anyone driving their car, they have decided that it is no trouble at all for them to drive us to the movies and then pick us up when the movie is over. Like we're in middle school over here.

After 5 days trapped in The Villages with my folks don't be shocked if you see me and MDH on the news flying down the freeway a la OJ Simpson, back to Orlando in a stolen golf cart. That's just a joke. I'm not planning to stab anyone.

Wish me drunk, I mean luck.

The Die Is Cast and I Am a Wuss

A few weeks ago I got a call from my elderly Aunt P. Naturally I was furious with MDH for answering the phone in the first place, but Aunt P keeps it short. I like that quality in elderly aunt type people.

Unfortunately Aunt P was calling on behalf of herself and my Uncle Dan to invite me and MDH to their house for Christmas Day.

Shit.

They just recently moved back to Michigan earlier this year from Boca and now live a 2.5 hour drive from us. We have been down to visit once this fall and had a great day. But it was not Christmas and it was not winter and snowy out. It was fall and kind of warm and didn't start to get dark until around 8pm.

Aunt P said that she and Uncle Dan were hosting their children and grandchildren and would love it if we could come too. She told me what time and that I didn't need to bring anything except "your precious self my darlin' girl!", and then hung up without waiting for an answer as to whether or not MDH and I already had plans.

We don't, officially.

Unless you count sleeping in and watching TV in our underpants while we have Bloody Mary's and shrimp cocktail for brunch as plans. These are our Christmas traditions I realize they are very similar to the way we spend most weekends around here except for the Bloody Mary's and the shrimp, but I had been counting them as plans. MDH is no help. He doesn't care what we do.

It's awfully difficult to explain that to your sweet little 80 year old auntie who sounded so hopeful on the phone and you know desperately wants you to visit and calls you "precious darlin' girl". Besides, like I said, she hung up before I could say no.

Today I decided to stand firm and called her back to let her know we wouldn't be coming. She wasn't home so I talked to Uncle Dan. I started to tell him about the underpants plans and the shrimp cocktails, but I couldn't get the words out before he started telling me how thrilled he was to be seeing us for Christmas and how Aunt P had already started baking pies. He called me "darlin'" too.

Shit.

I told him that weather permitting, we would try to be there by 10am. Which means, of course that we will have to leave by 7:30am.

Shit.

The best I could come up with was that we would have to leave before dark because MDH and I have really bad night vision (it's true!).

At this point there is no turning back. You cannot make holiday visitation commitments to aunts and uncles well into their 80's and then back out. Well, you can but then (if you are me) you will feel like...

Shit.