Wednesday, March 5, 2008

You Can Knit Yourself an RV Cozy

Today I started working on an urgent little side project that is a bit tedious. Well it goes in cycles where it's brain wrenching for about 30 minutes, followed by 2 hours of tedious data entry peppered with a few minutes here and there of puzzle solving and then more tedium.

The tedium gives my mind lots of acreage to wander around in and I thought tonight I would share with you some of the wool I gathered.

1. I would make an excellent contestant on that show The Amazing Race because I'm really good at finding my way around in strange places. I have a terrific sense of direction and hardly ever get lost for very long. Then again, people on shows like that are usually running everywhere and I really hate to run. In fact I prefer to lie down and be still as much as possible and that probably wouldn't make for very exciting television viewing. Also I think that people who tend to be on these kinds of shows get all excited and jump up and down and scream and stuff and I really don't like to do that in public, let alone on TV. I'm not really a big jumping screamer. This thought has occupied a great deal of my time considering that I have never even seen an episode of The Amazing Race.

2. Writing "Breast Milk" in Sharpie on my hazelnut coffee creamer in the fridge at work would be really funny but writing "Stool Sample" on my brown paper lunch bag would be even funnier. I imagine that I might even get to have my own shelf.

3. There's another temp who works there who started a couple of weeks before me and I love him a lot because he is about 7 feet tall and looks very much like Sideshow Bob. He's got a big floppy white boy Afro. I don't really know him and only spoke to him for the first time yesterday, but just seeing his hair bouncing around above the cubicle sight line cheers my soul. I'm old enough to be his biological teen birth mother, but I want to hug his skinny little hipster frame. I think my ear would come to about his belly button and I could probably hear the ocean in there.

4. I want to hug Hey Mr DJ too. I think he may be the fucking sweetest person who ever came around the pike, whatever that means. My granny used to say that all the time. Without the "fucking" part. Hey Mr DJ doesn't cuss either. If my aunt Jessie hadn't moved to Texas and died I might have wanted to fix her up with Hey Mr DJ. Yeah. That would have been a good match. I wonder if he's lonely enough to date a dead woman with false teeth. I'm such the romantic schemer, just like Emma.

23 comments:

Renaissance Woman said...

If this job doesn't work out maybe you should be a match maker...hmmm. I love the amazing race and often dream about being on that show. It's the eating strange food thing that gets me every time. No comment on the 7 foot boy.

Gwen said...

You're really thinking outside the box about Hey Mr. DJ.

Thanks for the hearty giggle. Great post.

Tara said...

Oh I love the idea of marking "Breast Milk" on your hazelnut cream and "stool sample" on your lunch bag. That made me laugh to imagine that at my work, because we have milk thieves too. Go for it. ;)

evil-e said...

I would go for the "breast milk" coffee creamer idea as well.

So you like this Hey Mr DJ so much you are recommending necrophilia?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

R Woman - I don't like the responsibility of fixing people up, but I do enjoy all of the nosiness involved. I like the 7 foot boy because is so very different from all of the other people there. He stands out like a big giant bird and I love it.

Gwen - Glad to make you giggle!

Tara - stool sample would be pretty gross, but it would also keep people the hell away from my vittles.

Evil - He's a lonely old widower and she was a lonely old widow - outside of that they really don't have much in common. Oh yeah, and one of them has passed away.

The Guv'ner said...

Hahaha on the fridge dibs. Some pervert would probably sniff your bag.

OH, I'm not sure I like that sentence...

Also, I also don't jump up and down and scream. That's so not me. In fact I kick people who do that. Right in the nuts or ladies' bits. Stop being so damn perky people, I will hurt you. The proper way to show enthusiasm is to grin sarcastically while chewing gum then act all nonchalant.

CDP said...

I admire anyone who doesn't get lost. The fact that I've driven somewhere more than once does not in any way prevent me from getting lost while driving to that place again. I wish I was joking about that; sadly, I am not.

Step Right Up said...

You had an Uncle Jesse? The one from Full House or Dukes of Hazzard. I'm so envious! Waaait a minute. It says AUNT Jessie. Crap....

SkylersDad said...

I think you should solve your lunch dilemma by bringing it in in a small cooler with the label "Human Head" on the side of it.

Dick Small said...

"stool sample"... hahaha

Suze said...

I think I would be very good on "the Amazing Race" as the person that greets the racers on the mat. You just have to stand there and say hello.

pistols at dawn said...

I was a matchmaker once. Introduced fire to dry, crackling wood. They got on well - too well.

I'm still not allowed in Chicago.

Churlita said...

You and would either make an awesome or a terrible team on the amazing race. I have no sense of direction but love to run everywhere I go. Whatdya think?

Step Right Up said...

You and Churlita might be really good or really bad on AR but if you want to be memorable you need to fight A LOT. Like that one season where the husband was a jerk to his wife the entire time and even shoved her once. Memorable!

another good thing said...

Hah. I think you're living an episode of The Office. Thanks for the chuckle. I needed it after an hour dealing with Sprint.

dmarks said...

I love the Sideshow Bob illustration.

Chris said...

Way back when, in happier times indeed, we had a pop machine here at work. (Okay, a "soda" machine if that makes more sense.) In fact, when I first started working here, the boss would put the occasional random beer in the pop machine, so every once in a while you'd hit "Diet Caffeine Free Tasteless Sludge" and you'd get a nice cold beer instead.

Then the boss got grumpy and quit doing that. After a while he took the pop machine out altogether.

I've never been the same, really.

i am playing outside said...

im too tired to read, but i must say that picture of Sideshow Bob is too weird.

sorry ive been away. ive been busy. i still love you. lol

Family Adventure said...

Maybe we could team up for Amazing Race? You point me in the right direction, and I'll do the running. Yes? We'll have to take turns on the jumping/screaming bit, though.

Heidi

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

That's a funny observationa botu The Amazing Race. I, too, feel I'd be good at it, even though I've also never watched it!

CDP said...

I just posted my Book Meme post!

Gifted Typist said...

Stool sample - evil and brilliant

Anonymous said...

Stop playing Sims and update your blog, LADY!!