Thursday, March 20, 2008

The Assface Chronicles - Screen So Soft

Last night I talked to my best friend Amy on the phone for a long time. We don't get to do that very often these days as she is the mother (and new step mother) of 3 unruly and obnoxious teenagers. Talking to her for any length of time is glorious and certainly I always take whatever time she can give, but last night was an extra 2 hour after school special. I was over the moon.

First of all she started off her conversation with me as she often does by declaring her ex-husband Assface to be an even bigger dickhead than he was the last time I spoke to her and then she tells me of his crazy antics and I agree with her that yes, indeed somehow he has become a bigger dickhead than he was before. Only last night I analyzed why he keeps becoming an increasingly large clot and here is my theory and a list of examples:

1. Assface no longer has Amy to stop him from doing asinine things like wear a suit, carry a briefcase and generally behave like a self righteous stiff when proctoring their daughters piano competition at OSU so that everyone mistakes him for a judge.
2. She is no longer around to pull him away when he has overstayed his welcome when visiting friends and trust me he needs it. The man is missing the natural ability to tell when he is boring the snot out of people in addition to being too thick to take polite hints that people would like to go to bed, thus resulting (we heard stories thru the grapevine) in slamming doors and situations escalating to near violence (being brusquely escorted to his car by the elbow) and tearfully told in plain English (after many hints were dropped) that he must leave.

OK. I made up the part about the elbow escort, but all the rest is true.

When they were still married I always took the direct approach with Assface, having learned of his handicap early on and even then it didn't always work.

Me (smiling, with one eyebrow raised: ALLrighty Assface GET OUT OF HERE...

Assface: 010101010101

Me: I mean it dude - VA MINOS - Adios Muchacho... On yer way...

Assface: 00011110000101001

Me: I'm shutting the door now. I have to go take a shit so please leave.

Assface: 000011100011110001

You get the picture. By the way Assface speaks in a low, inaudible monotone that is remarkably similar to what I imagine binary sounds like.

3. He no longer has Amy around to give a list of 25 good reasons why you don't allow your daughter to have a sleep over at the neighbor's who have the police and social services visiting 3 times a week and then act surprised when your child ends up with head lice.

There are lots of things that he still does that Amy was never able to talk him out of when they were married like wearing black socks with shorts and spraying every surface of his home with Skin So Soft in the summertime for it's supposed bug repellent properties.

Notoriously, Assface once spent over an hour obsessively spraying every inch of the screens of the screened in porch of their old house with Skin So Soft before a BBQ. For those of you unfamiliar with Avon's line of products, Skin So Soft is a spray-on oil conconction - for human skin.

I don't really know if it kept the bugs away, but it rendered every doorknob unturnable, caused every guest at the party to slip upon the oily surface of the porch floor and Dan and I to giggle incessantly (and to this day) about the supple, touchable nature of the porch screens and forever think of the substance as "Screen So Soft".


Cayman said...

Skin so soft does keep the bugs away but it has to be on your skin. It doesn't work on screens.

The Guv'ner said...

I hate to say it but Assface seems to display many traits of serial killerdom. Plus anyone who has that much Skin-So-Soft in their possession is planning to make a skin suit. It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.


mindy said...

That picture upsets me.

However, the binary conversation thing was hilarious, so I forgive you for upsetting me.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Caymam - welcome to my blog! I'm sure Amy would like to see it used as Assface repellent and keep him the hell away from her.

Guv - the man is truly frightening. Anyone under the age of 70 who wears black socks with white sneakers and shorts against the better advice of his now ex wife is capable of anything.

Mindy - hi honey - I'm sorry to have upset you, but pleased that you forgave me so quickly. I have used that same picture for past Assface posts with much the same reaction.

Churlita said...

Too bad she had kids with Assface so she's still directly effected by his total assfacery.

SkylersDad said...

Remind me to never get on your bad side, OK?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Churlita - their daughter is lovely and amazing, but I think the same thing all the time. Amy will have to put up with Assface for LBL's entire life.

Skydad - It takes a lot to get there but once a person gets into my hate zone woe unto them. I have so much worse dirt on Assface... I've actually been showing restraint on my blog.

Del-V said...

I've been planting Citronella bushes around my deck to keep the bugs away. It works very well. And my doorknobs are not greasy. Pass it on.

Tara said...

My nose burned at the name "Skin so Soft". I remember it well, but never put it on the screen door. I laughed at the thought of people having a hard time turning door knobs and slipping. Bad, I know. He's not very bright, is he?

Gwen said...

I never thought about what binary might sounds like, but you're right, it would sound like a low, mumbling monotone! I'll never look at a screendoor the same.

pistols at dawn said...

My doorknobs are greasy, but it's because my hobbies include rapaciously moisturizing my hands for fear of turning into a lizard.

Dan said...

I'm so glad you rehash these incidents on your blog. They always make me laugh.

Plus, woah, I made your blogroll? Time to put my writing shoes on.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Del-V - excellent advice I'll be sure to pass it around to everyone I know except for Assface.

Tara - he's flinty but devoid of any spark. He's the same man that scolded Amy saying that reading fiction was a waste of time.

Gwen - I should think the screens would have worked wonders all by themselves to keep the mosquitos out - seeing as that is their primary function.

Pistols - I have the same problem with lotion and it's often my main excuse for not leaving the house.

Dan - where have you been man? You've been on my blogroll since forever, or since you started your blog. Now get to work and WRITE SOMETHING.

Suze's Sass said...

I love the endearment "assface" I will use that from now on :)

Michelle said...

I love the fact that you use binary code to indicate assface's appropriate though I'm really not sure why! Oh, and I love Skin So works!

Chris said...

I did once treat my leather motorcycle seat with Armor-All. It looked FANTASTIC! The only problem is that Armor-All is, well, slippery. I hopped on the bike only to slide gracelessly off on the other side. I did that two or three times before I figured out the problem (mostly 'cause I'm kinda dense, but partially 'cause I'm sorta stupid). I rode most of the summer that year in eternal fear of quick stops as I'd invariably end up sitting on my gas tank with sore behoojies and a startled look.

That's what the slippery doorknob reminded me of for some reason.

Tell ya what, the binary thing is killer!

Slice of Paradise said...

Please tell me you threw her a party when that divorce was finalized. She deserves a medal for putting up with that crap.

Seriously? Skin-so-soft on a screen?! He's a Avon pimp's best friend isn't he?

Cyndi said...

Keep up the good work.