Thursday, December 11, 2008

Memo to Myself: What's Up Chuck?

I send emails to myself throughout the day while I'm at work when I am suddenly struck upside the head with brilliant ideas that I believe (at that moment) would make brilliant blog posts. As I'm sure you can imagine based on the sparse nature of my blog lately, not many of these brilliant self-emailed ideas make the cut.

In fact most of them are pretty damn stupid and I delete them. For example, I sent an email to myself last week with "What's Up Chuck?" in the subject line. The body of the email said this:

a monthly (or somewhat regular) feature in which we discover the recent comings and goings, gossip tid-bits, etc. of beloved, tough-guy "actor", Chuck Norris

I put quotes around the word "actor" for my own amusement because of my intense dislike for his body of work. (Some of you may remember a post I wrote a while back in which I take a few liberties with his film titles.) Also I noticed just now that I used the word "we" for some reason. Probably because I'm an idiot.

Anyhoo... I tried to turn the email into a post, as suggested by me to myself, and Googled Chuck Norris to find out what kind of amazing and/or titillating high jinks the old man might have been up to lately that I could poke fun at. As it turns out in addition to having the cheesiest website I have encountered in quite awhile, he's a pretty fuckin' dull guy that really hasn't been up to much lately. In fact the most recent item on the page titled Upcoming Events happened 3 months ago.

Apparently he wrote a new book. I think the title might be Buy It Now!, but the website was such a yawn I was too bored to scroll down any further to find out for sure.

Here's what I'd like to think he's been up to lately:

Currently in production, Chuck Norris in the title role of:
Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific! The Paul Mitchell Story

Chuck Norris acts as mohel at Rosanne's grandson's bris. He karate chopped the foreskin clean off the baby.

My apologies to whoever this woman is in the photo with Chuck, but guess what baby?You bear a remarkable resemblance to Roseanne.


i am playing outside said...

this post was only saved by the Roseanne bit at the end. i skimmed most of it. please never post about chuck norris again... especially since you dont even like him HAHA

pistols at dawn said...

If he ever finds this post, you're going to get a very angry kick on your door very soon.

SkylersDad said...

Those Chuck Norris action jeans are so tough they will kick your ass all by themselves while Chuck is asleep!

Del-V said...

I have a few pairs of the Chuck Norris Action Jeans because I’m a man of action. Action Jeans are stain resistant and machine washable -- which is handy when I get other people’s blood on my jeans from kicking their face. It’s annoying when I wear non-action jeans and they bind up on me so badly that I can only punch people in the face because I really like kicking people in the face. But by far the best part of the Chuck Norris Action Jeans is all the “action” I get when the jeans come off.

I think you know what I’m talking about ladies.

CDP said...

I actually think that that's an excellent idea for a feature (although it would work better during an election season, since Chuck always comes out of the woodwork to campaign for whoever is the farthest to the right among the Republicans).

another good thing said...

you neglected to mention all the t-shirts at Kohl's, spencer's and Walmart that are mocking THE CHUCK.
I found more on an 80's tshirt site. I especially like this one.
enjoy. and feel free to email me some of your great ideas, they may make MY cut.

Churlita said...

How old is Chuck now anyway? No wonder he's boring. He probably lives in a retirement home...Where he totally kicks ass, I'm sure.

WendyB said...

There are some awesome Chuck Norris moments on Family Guy.

Step Right Up said...

When I was home alone on Friday nights and had just moved to a new town so I hadn't made nice with anyone yet to go out with, I watched Walker Texas Ranger. Of course I also watched that other great show with Chachi and Dick VanDyke.

Dan said...

Please tell me you know about Chuck Norris Facts?

"Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried."

Gwen said...

I do the same thing. Now I;m just collecting those to write about as a collection. See? I can make material out of anything.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Player - I can't help it. I dislike Chuck Norris so much I happen to think it's funny. I think posting about Chuck Norris once a year is perfectly fine. Next year I'll send you an email warning.

Pistols - OOhhh I'm scared. Sorry you'll just have to imagine my sarcastic tone. Somehow it's very sexy.

Skydad - I think that he's still making these things.

Del-V - I'm so glad you commented because I was thinking of you and your penchant for old ridiculous magazine ads. Nice to see you again!

CDP - I did too! But Chuck Norris should change his name to Chuck Snorris - he's bo-ring.

Hey AGT - YOu know he sells a lot of that kind of shit on his website too I hadn't realized he'd branched out to regular retailers. What is wrong with people?

Churlita - I wouldn't be a bit surprised to learn that he lives at the Villages with my parents.

WendyB - I have missed those and might someday write a post about how much I dislike The Family Guy for no particular reason. I should like that show and I know it. What is wrong with me?

SRU - That is some serious lonesome baby girl if you have to result to Walker Texas Butthole for company.

Dan - Of course I know about Chuck Norris facts - you're the one who showed them to me.

Hi Gwennie! - you know Blowing Shit Up With Gas used to have a regular feature on his blog of quips of ideas that didn't make the cut. They were very funny. I miss Blowing Shit Up With Gas. That's a sentence I never thought I would put together.

Leonesse said...

I miss BSUWG too. I met Chuck's sister once. She just called him Carlos (his real name) and acted like he was a putz.