Monday, August 25, 2008

Thinly Veiled Smarm

Some time back I posted about the guy I used to think was gay until he visited my cube and confessed a keen romantic interest in my young female co-worker friend, we'll call her Jogger.

At the time I was in shock because of two things -
1.) His interest in a female, and

2.) The fact that he proceeded to dish some ripe-juicy office gossip, not the least of which was that he is divorced from one of my other co-workers - the one that was 9 months pregnant, also a female (now on maternity leave - she's remarried and it's not his) AND that he used to date one of the other temps - yet another female.

It was too much information to digest in one sitting and now I am unsure what advice I gave him about young Jogger. I'm pretty sure that I told him that she was currently available, but also that in my humble opinion, because I know her fairly well, that she was recently broken up and recovering from a serious, long-term relationship. Oh yes, and also that I thought she was way too young for him.

He is 37 and she is 23.

I was gracious about it, of course. Regardless though, I KNOW I said nothing that might encourage him to think that she may be interested.

I certainly never said "Why don't you hang around her cubicle, bug her all day and stare at her inappropriately? Young chicks really dig that."

His confession occurred on a Friday, so obviously the very next Monday I told Jogger all about it. Her response was "Ew!" Accompanied by a squinched up, disgusted facial expression. Suffice it to say, she's not interested.

Over the course of the past several weeks Jogger has gotten back together with her boyfriend. Also, to my delight she has been added to our team of data mining enthusiasts and so changed cubicles in order to be closer to us. Now she sits at the cubicle adjacent from mine and Hey Mr. DJ's. It's nice to have her near by and we've been working very closely together. I like her a lot.

In the olden days I used to see Gaydar every so often in the break room or while standing around waiting my turn at the printer, but now he seems to have decided to make a nuisance of himself and find a million reasons a day to come by, talking and laughing at top volume to any number of other people whose cubes are conveniently located near her, and in particular Hey Mr DJ who is seated right across from poor Jogger.

He's all business for the first few minutes and then eventually he breaks into jokey banter and frequent references to his motorcycle, bars he goes to or other personal matters that I'm guessing he thinks make him sound young, hip, masculine and sexually appealing to 23 year old temps who are barely out of college.

The man is out of control.

I can only wonder at what Hey Mr. DJ thinks of all the attention he's garnering from Gaydar these days.

Gaydar is not an unattractive man. In fact he's kind of cute and seemingly very nice. But he is driving poor Jogger insane.

Occasionally he'll turn around from bugging Hey Mr. DJ and try to include Jogger in their conversation, or he'll stop by and ask her inane questions about the project she is working on.

Oh, and how about this? He typed up a "guide book" for her to use on a project she's working on with him. It seemed like a nice gesture except that the special treatment only ended up embarrassing Jogger and irritating the crap out of all the other temps who are also working on the same project and received no such "guide book". Smooth.

This morning she came in to find a mysterious packet of Oreo cookies on her desk. No note. And no one fessing up to leaving them for her. Smooth. I of course told her that they were probably from Gaydar and excessively dosed with Ruffies. Then I laughed myself silly because I am at heart very mean spirited and find the whole situation quite humorous.

Anyhoo... I'm wondering how much longer this can go on? Why is he fucking around? For gods sake man ask her out! Let her say NO, disappoint you and get this shit over with.


Dr Zibbs said...

Oh friggggin' behavvvvvve. Keep up the gossip. And take real photos.

Anonymous said...

Write his name on a condom and leave it in her drawer. Shit will happen fast after that.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Dr. Zibbs - I have worked there for several months and this is the most exciting thing that's ever happened. I only wish I could take real photos.

Poob - Excellent. Excellent. She'd totally know it was me though.

pistols at dawn said...

Hey! I'm working my way up to it and letting her know that like my Hog, I offer a good, long, noisy ride.

Smoooooth criminal, indeed.

Anonymous said...

Don't you just love office soap operas? Also, 37 is way too old for a 23 year old. Tell him I said so! Tell him also I like Oreos.

Falwless said...

I can't wait until this implodes. Until then I will be clicking your blog an average of 82 times a day. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

This almost makes me excited to get a job :)

I loved this post! Poor, hapless Gaydar.

evilesb138 said...

You do work with some characters...

Hey, I'm 37...23 is way too young, that's why I like those way older 27 years olds! (not joking-Renee is 27)

This guy sounds like he is cooler than the other side of the pillow. I love the time worn technique of trying to impress somebody by not talking to them. A winner in the works indeed. Please keep us posted...I cannot wait to hear about the eventual crash and burn....I love a good plane crash.

I might have to post about a similar character that I work with. Thanks for the idea. I have been avoiding work posts since I started.

Del-V said...

Where would one buy these Ruffie cookies?

The Guv'ner said...

He sounds like one of those relentless dudes who steam on ahead till he gets what he wants. A black eye probably. Poor woman. Maybe she could give him a hug to thank him for the cookies and while she's doing it, steal a lock of his hair, manufacture a voodoo doll using this hair then stick pins in it whenever he's being a pain in the ass?

SkylersDad said...

This must end, you have to hack into his account and send sexually suggestive emails to the young girl, with a blind CC to HR.

Only then can the *real* entertainment begin!

BeckEye said...

I love Poo's suggestion. And I can't wait to hear how this plays out.

At first when I read the bit about the Oreos I thought you wrote they were laced with Ruffles, and I immediately thought, "Wow, they make Oreos laced with Ruffles now!?? Where do I get these? And can they be deep fried??"

It's amazing that I don't weigh 300 pounds. Yet.

I used to work with this guy who was a really creepy dude. He kind of looked like Slim Whitman, if you know who that is. He had kind of a gay vibe too, except that any time one of us girls in the front office wore a skirt or dress he was all creepy about telling us how "lovely" we looked while looking our legs up and down. He was just the kind of guy who could make you feel greasy just by him looking at you.

Renaissance Woman said...

Sounds like an idiot! I think he can feel she isn't interested but maybe his ego won't let him accept that reality. So he just keeps hanging around hoping for a different vibe. She should talk about her new boyfriend every time he comes by.

Churlita said...

Don't you wonder what he'd do if a woman 13 years older kept bugging him?

Willow said...

Oh, so this is a car crash waiting to happen!

Umm..Hey Mr DJ does know that this guy isn't gay doesn't he?

Frenchie said...

I love that you have started this chronicle. God....I remember those awful days of getting asked out by guys who were just clearly not even in the running. I could never figure out if they were just too dumb to know, or if they had a sense of self-esteem that was simply superior to everyone else's.

CDP said...

Hilarious. I'm so looking forward to the next installment.

Gwen said...

I can't help but laugh that the guy you considered gay is actually rampantly, libidinously, hetero and marking his territory all over your office. Ew.

Can I have one of those cookies?