Thinly Veiled Smarm

Some time back I posted about the guy I used to think was gay until he visited my cube and confessed a keen romantic interest in my young female co-worker friend, we'll call her Jogger.

At the time I was in shock because of two things -
1.) His interest in a female, and

2.) The fact that he proceeded to dish some ripe-juicy office gossip, not the least of which was that he is divorced from one of my other co-workers - the one that was 9 months pregnant, also a female (now on maternity leave - she's remarried and it's not his) AND that he used to date one of the other temps - yet another female.

It was too much information to digest in one sitting and now I am unsure what advice I gave him about young Jogger. I'm pretty sure that I told him that she was currently available, but also that in my humble opinion, because I know her fairly well, that she was recently broken up and recovering from a serious, long-term relationship. Oh yes, and also that I thought she was way too young for him.

He is 37 and she is 23.

I was gracious about it, of course. Regardless though, I KNOW I said nothing that might encourage him to think that she may be interested.

I certainly never said "Why don't you hang around her cubicle, bug her all day and stare at her inappropriately? Young chicks really dig that."

His confession occurred on a Friday, so obviously the very next Monday I told Jogger all about it. Her response was "Ew!" Accompanied by a squinched up, disgusted facial expression. Suffice it to say, she's not interested.

Over the course of the past several weeks Jogger has gotten back together with her boyfriend. Also, to my delight she has been added to our team of data mining enthusiasts and so changed cubicles in order to be closer to us. Now she sits at the cubicle adjacent from mine and Hey Mr. DJ's. It's nice to have her near by and we've been working very closely together. I like her a lot.

In the olden days I used to see Gaydar every so often in the break room or while standing around waiting my turn at the printer, but now he seems to have decided to make a nuisance of himself and find a million reasons a day to come by, talking and laughing at top volume to any number of other people whose cubes are conveniently located near her, and in particular Hey Mr DJ who is seated right across from poor Jogger.

He's all business for the first few minutes and then eventually he breaks into jokey banter and frequent references to his motorcycle, bars he goes to or other personal matters that I'm guessing he thinks make him sound young, hip, masculine and sexually appealing to 23 year old temps who are barely out of college.

The man is out of control.

I can only wonder at what Hey Mr. DJ thinks of all the attention he's garnering from Gaydar these days.

Gaydar is not an unattractive man. In fact he's kind of cute and seemingly very nice. But he is driving poor Jogger insane.

Occasionally he'll turn around from bugging Hey Mr. DJ and try to include Jogger in their conversation, or he'll stop by and ask her inane questions about the project she is working on.

Oh, and how about this? He typed up a "guide book" for her to use on a project she's working on with him. It seemed like a nice gesture except that the special treatment only ended up embarrassing Jogger and irritating the crap out of all the other temps who are also working on the same project and received no such "guide book". Smooth.

This morning she came in to find a mysterious packet of Oreo cookies on her desk. No note. And no one fessing up to leaving them for her. Smooth. I of course told her that they were probably from Gaydar and excessively dosed with Ruffies. Then I laughed myself silly because I am at heart very mean spirited and find the whole situation quite humorous.

Anyhoo... I'm wondering how much longer this can go on? Why is he fucking around? For gods sake man ask her out! Let her say NO, disappoint you and get this shit over with.

My Big Gay Post

Ever since middle school, when I fully began to grasp the concept of homosexuality, I have prided myself on my excellent gaydar. Not that I haven't ever been wrong, like the first night I met my friend Nature Boy, I totally thought he was gay, but in my defense he is very good looking, almost pretty you might say, into art and at the time had longish hair that was being held back away from his face by a headband. Oh, and I was drunk.

Over the years some of my good friends have been gay so I guess that this makes me feel entitled, however mistakenly, as if I have some kind of connection to gayness that has made it OK for me to immediately peg a man who works several cubes down from me as being gay. He's not overtly gay and no one that I work with in such a conservative workplace in such a conservative city is openly gay. This guy is very manly and if he were straight and I wasn't married I would be all over him.

Anyhoo... I was delighted to find this gay man at my place of work because I feel, even though I am not gay, that gay people are my people. I get it. I'm on their side. I feel their pain. I've danced in their bars. I've voted for their civil rights. I've seen Queer as Folk.

I'm sure that gay people have no idea that I feel this way about their gayness, but since we work together (and he is so cute) I want this gay man at work to know that I am totally gay friendly, so I began to send off little cute signals to this man so that he would know that I knew that he was gay and that it is totally OK with me.

I'm not sure why it is important for me to get this message across. Pehaps because I'm in the awkward position of being passionate about gay rights without actually being gay.

This man is not someone that I have a lot of interaction with, so the cute little signals I give off are limited to things like smiling really big whenever I see him in the hallway or lunchroom and giving him the occasional eyebrow raise or knowing wink whenever there is a cute guy around. As if to say, "Yeah, baby I'd totally tap that and I know you would too!" I also call him by his longer full name rather than the shorter more masculine name that everyone else at work calls him, like David instead of Dave. And when I see him and say his name I say it all high pitched, sing songy and girly - like "Hiii Day-Vid".

In short, I treat him just like one of my gay friends. He eats it up and gives it right back to me.

Well I'm a big giant idiot because I just found out this guy is into chicks and now he probably thinks I like him and am some kind of chubby cougar.

He's not gay and I'm an idiot.

I'm a big flirtatious, over the top, winking idiot. I found this out because he stopped by my cube yesterday to ask me how old one of my female co-workers is and whether or not she was attached because he thinks that she is really cute and might want to ask her out.

It took me a minute to get over my shock, but then my gaydar started to pulse even harder as he crossed his legs at the knee, leaned in closer to me and then proceeded to dish the juiciest workplace gossip I have ever heard, and let's face it the man has a certain je ne sais quoi and he smokes Newport Lights.

I'm so confused.