Friday, February 29, 2008

Why Do We Live Here?

Western Michigan blows.

It blows especially hard this time of year, when I swear to you it snows every goddamn day. I bundle up in the morning like a fucking marshmallow. A fashionable marshmallow in my fur and velvet earmuffs and Calvin Klein parka, but still. It's hard to sashay around and maintain maximum cuteness in all this gear. I might slip on the layers of ice and snow that have been building up since it began snowing nonstop at Thanksgiving and break a hip or chip a tooth and that ain't cute at all.

There is a 4 block stretch of road on my commute that I've started calling "the Black Eye express" because of all of the pot hole induced boob jostling.

Why hasn't somebody invented a form of pavement that doesn't buckle, cave in on itself and disintegrate in cold weather?

Why don't they bring back full service gas stations so that I don't have get out of the car to pump gas? I would pay extra for this. I really would.

What moronic clan of mouth breathers decided this type of environment was habitable enough to build a city that my husband would be unwillingly transferred to hundreds of years later causing us to move away from our beautiful and cozy home in a place where it doesn't snow every goddamn day and I never once dreamed of owning a parka, waterproof snow boots or any type of fleece whatsoever? ? ?

Here is a photo that I took while I was driving to work this morning.

(Insert blood curdling scream here.)

I realize that the roads were shitty and that I probably shouldn't have taken my hands off the wheel long enough to take a photo., but I felt it had to be done and look I'm totally fine.


Anonymous said...

Damn, that does look cold.

minijonb said...

Could you knock my dumb ass into a coma for a month or two until spring hits? Thanks.

Frenchie said...

Love the coldness....I could totally live there. Did I tell you that Nature Boy and I are planning to retire to Canada?

Michelle said...

You don't have to tell me about it! I love snow and I've had enough of the white stuff to last me through the next two winters. On a positive note, I can still wear sweatshirts and sweaters to hide all the weight I gained since fall.

Tara said...

I definitely hear you about bringing back the full service gas stations. Especially on nights when my fingers are so raw from the cold that it hurts to slide the ATM card into the outside thingy and press the buttons and stuff.

SkylersDad said...

Did your mittens have that string that ran up one arm and down the other?

Did you ever hear Richard Jeni's take on why they built Chicago?

A bunch of New Yorkers were talking one day ad said "You know, I'm enjoying the poverty and crime, but it's just not cold enough"

CDP said...

We still vacation at the Jersey shore sometimes, and the most exciting thing when we cross the Delaware Memorial Bridge is remembering that by law, ALL service stations in New Jersey are full service. I love it so much, and that's in July. I'd totally pay extra for full service, without even thinking about it.

dmarks said...

Yes, when I think of New Jersey, I think of the service!

I remember last year around this time, my blog became mostly weather complaints.

The Guv'ner said...

That photo is Fargo-esque madness, woman!

pistols at dawn said...

I've lived in too many nice places to ever fall prey to the Midwest. Thank you for reminding me of that.

John said...

so i'm minding my own business, visiting random blogs and i see your mention of the cold in west michigan. i'm in grand haven - where are you?