Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Hi! It's so nice to meet you, I'm Insane.

Late on Sunday morning, the coldest day of the year so far at minus 20, we lost power. It was really no big deal to me, but my husband suddenly sprang loose from his moorings on the sofa and began a freak out of epic proportions, convinced that we were sure to freeze to death within the first 15 minutes of being off the grid.

He thinks I don't take these kinds of situations seriously enough. I, on the other hand, think he needs to calm the fuck down.

I humored him for the first half hour by putting on shoes and a cardigan, packing up the cat supplies, and playing along with him as though it was the end of the world by preparing for evacuation or nesting a bunker (I packed sandwiches). He always gets a little nutty during thunderstorms, tornado activity (it only has to be in the same state for him to make us retreat to the basement) and turbulent air travel, but this was his first winter weather related freak out and it threw me for a loop.

I don't get too worked up about losing power. Actually, I lived poor for so long that my first instinct is to check to make sure the electric bill is paid. After that I tend to use a relaxing "wait and see" tactic, which may or may not involve reading a book or magazine by candlelight and has always worked for me in the past.

That is not to say that I'm not proactive and sit passively by. No no. I have devised a plan of action:

Phase One: Relax and read a book or magazine.

Phase Two: Make a hotel reservation in case the power is off for an extended period of time and we really do need to bug out.

Phase Three: Call the power company periodically to listen for restoration updates on a recorded message.

Phase Four: Alternate Phases One and Three as needed.

Phase Five: Cancel hotel reservation when the juice comes back on.

The power was restored after just under 2 hours and the temperature in the house had only dropped down to 64 degrees. We all survived unharmed and without the slightest hint of frostbite, although I seriously considered beating MDH unconscious with my cell phone during the ordeal when he demanded that I call everyone we know to see if they had lost power too.

What good would that have done, now really?

Even if our friends and relations were without power what would we have to discuss? How dark is it where you are? What magazine are you reading? I felt it wiser to save the cell phone batteries for calls of more pressing matters.

Later on that same evening our cable went out and with it our Internet connection. MDH heaved a large sigh and went to bed. It was 6pm. It came back on several hours later, but we've had a shaky connection ever since. With the cable, I mean.

Anyhoo... It all sounds like a good excuse for me not to have posted or written anything for the last couple of days, but it wouldn't be true.

MDH freaks out over random acts of nature over which we have no control and I freak out over things of an internal nature.

I haven't written or posted anything because I'm a whack job, getting whackier by the minute. Every minute of every day that leads closer to 8:30am tomorrow when I report for work for the first time in several months.

Maybe it would be less weird if I'd had a normal job prior to this new one.

I've worked from home for the last 4 years.

At my last job I had no coworkers and only talked to my boss once every couple of months. I didn't even have to get dressed, put on make up or wear shoes. I traveled a lot yes, and I wore shoes for that, but when I wasn't on the road I was here in this very same spot where I'm typing this very second.

Tomorrow begins a lifestyle of all new rituals that involve showering every morning at the same time, wearing clothes, making sure the car has plenty of gas and then driving it to a big building. Of course then I'll probably have to get out of the car and interact with people.

I've been working some job or other since I was 13 years old. I have done just about everything short of hooking and stripping:


Housekeeper - it was my parents house but hey, they paid me for it and I will tell you that I was so good at it that within weeks after I quit to go to college my mother hired a maid.

Made Muffins in Dixie Cups with a mircowave in an appliance store (I don't really know the job title for this one)

Retail Cashier

Recovery Specialist - this is the person who goes around with a shopping cart and puts the merchandise in the store back where it belongs when asshats change their minds and just drop shit randomly wherever they happen to be.

Retail Manager - at a kitchen supply and specialty coffee store where I was fired for allegedly having friends in the store after hours. It was untrue, but I got shit canned anyway.

Secretary at a fire restoration company where I was fired for allegedly being rude to a customer, but it also happened the same week that my boss, the owner's wife, found out that her husband had mauled and tried to kiss me one evening when he drove me home from work. I should've known his motives. Bastard.

Accounts Payable Clerk where I was fired for not getting an executive's end of year expense report in on time. We actually did the expense reports for these useless retarded worms because they were too stupid and lazy to do them by themselves. He hadn't given me all of his receipts until it was too late and I tried to cover it up for him. My bad. On the upside, this is the job where I met Amy.

Secretary for a small contractor - one of the best jobs I have ever had. I was the only woman among 20 or so nasty men that I adored and who mostly adored me. I picked up the fun nickname "Crazy Bitch", but this company had tuition reimbursement which enabled me to go back to school and get my degree.

After that I had various IT jobs:

  • Website Designer - boring and lonely
  • IT Specialist - my boss was a mean old toad
  • EDI Coordinator - same mean old toad boss
  • Software Trainer/Veterinary Practice Consultant - traveling around to Vet Clinics probably in a town near you
Starting tomorrow I'm going to sit in a woven polyester cube, mining data and whipping out spreadsheets for 9 to 10 hours a day.

Lot's of other people do this, right?

I snagged the graphic at top from here.


Frenchie/Madame said...

Awwww Lady....you're rejoining our minion ranks. I'll be thinking of you tomorrow morning. What's up with your MDH freaking out during a power outage? He always seemed more calm than that. Too funny.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Madame - He is a total freaker outer about weather related stuff and then gets upset when I don't freak out too.

Tara said...

Those spreadsheets are a blast. I would be jealous that you'll be working with them, but I have my own spreadsheets at the office that are just oozing with corporate amusement.

Best of luck for your first day at work!

Suze said...

I am surrounded by the same four walls every day at work. Look how I turned out.

You'll be fine. Have a great day and place nice with others.

Suze said...

And of course I meant play not place nice. Obviously I wasn't hired at my current job for my typing or proofreading skills.

Baroness von Bloggenschtern said...

What a great post! I laughed, I cried, I laughed some more, I got a little anxious - it was perfection! Poor, whack-a-doodle DH. Did I miss the memo regarding how the first horseman of the Apocalypse goes around knocking out the power? Huh.

Best wishes for an exciting tomorrow.
Just remember - you can be anxious without being nervous.

WendyB said...

I pray I will never have to return to the corporate world. I got the shivers just reading about it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Tara - I'm into spreadsheets or I wouldn't have taken this job I suppose. I'm a dork like that.

Suze - The plan is to play nice, but things don't always turn out the way you plan them.

Baroness - thanks! glad you liked this crazy post. In my mind, freaking out over acts of nature serves no good purpose. Cooler heads (mine) always prevail and are more likely to survive.

WendyB - I'm actually really looking forward to it. I'm way too social of a person for working at home all by myself. I need coworkers to annoy.

Michelle said...

My brother-in-law is a weather freaker outer too. It drives my sister insane. Does your DH watch the Weather Channel, too?

Good Luck with your spreadsheets!

Churlita said...

I sit in a very beige cubicle and process things all day...Well, that and read blogs. It's a living.

SkylersDad said...

In honor of you returning to cubeville:

CDP said...

Good luck on your first day! I'm sitting in a cubicle right now, and there are far worse things.

Linka72 said...

Lady..your husband MUST be related to my husband..My husband the sissy ALWAYS makes me put shoes and decent clothes on and sit quietly in the interior hallway ANY time it thunders or rains..I humor him though..he's cute and he cleans house..and he's a massage therapist.
Good luck on the job. Hopefully you won't need to stab your cube mate.

Family Adventure said...

You are too funny! I could totally see the husband freaking out and you calmly watching him...no doubt infuriating him even further!!

Good luck tomorrow. You will do amazingly well! I just know it!

Heidi :)

pistols at dawn said...

Holy Christ, I can't handle people freaking out about stupid stuff. I dated a woman who was afraid of flying for a year plus, and every time we'd fly somewhere, I'd yell at her about being stuck in the 15th century and being afraid of the giant metal bird that flew in the face of God.

Strangely, the yelling didn't help her fears, because she also feared that I'd leave her. She went 1 for 2 on fears, is I guess what I'm saying.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Excel is probably my favorite application -- but 9-10hrs/day might be a little much. Still... Good Luck!

Gwen said...

Good luck, Lady! Be sure to pack snacks or you'll have to "lunch."

The Guv'ner said...

BOO to the end of your leisure days! :)

We had power outages all the damn time as kids. I liked them. It was pretty normal. Then I moved to NYC and we had the great 2002 blackout where everyone was like THE WORLD IS ENDING! It was sort of quaint I thought. Especially since it was 300 degrees that day and I'd JUST literally gotten off the elevator when the grid went down thus releasing myself from a possible 24 hour stretch in a tiny metal, non air conditioned box. Hmmm.


Renaissance Woman said...

So love that your MDH freaked out about the power outage. I totally understand how the two of you respond so differently...but you have explained it so well. Funny! Good luck in the morning joining the ranks of sitting in a square room everyday. You are going to do great.

another good thing said...

We had a power outage in NH once- that lasted 2 days- we only found out later that all our "neighbors" ( lots were 5 acres) had gone to the local hotel- leaving the kids from California to tough it out. I had fun with it. I drank a lot of wine.
Good luck with the job. Don't shoot anyone.

rak said...

i bet they'll love you!! i don't know much about the types of people that work in cubicles, but if they have personality such as yours, it's gonna be a great place to be!

Ms. Laaw-yuhr said...

Other people do this, and this is why they drink.

dmarks said...

"tornado activity (it only has to be in the same state for him to make us retreat to the basement)"

It's not good sense, but I'd perhaps want to go toward the tornado.

Weeping Sore said...

Your resume is impressive! Your courage in the face of power outage, and then cable outage is inspiring! Now, if only you'd put on sensible shoes instead of those adorable bunny slippers, we'd have some respect for you. Hope the new job goes well, and BTW, don't accept a ride home from your new boss.

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