Winter Blows

This is the current view standing inside my front door. So grim that I didn't even have the balls to step out onto the porch or even open the storm door to take the picture. I should state for the record that the plow guy was just here not more than 20 minutes ago and the driveway has already disappeared again.

Shitfuckdamn. I hate winter.

The only thing worse than this view from inside my front door is standing there looking at it knowing that I have to go out to the supermarket. We are out of everything. Eggs, milk, orange juice, coffee creamer. The only fresh produce I have at the moment is 3 garlic bulbs and 2 Spanish onions so old they are sprouting green roots.

The only thing worse than this view and knowing that I have to go the supermarket in this mother fucking horrible weather is the thought of maneuvering a shopping cart across an icy, slushy parking lot.

You know what? We are too fat and over indulged in this house anyway. I mean these are tough times and so I need to learn to be more resourceful and make due with what I have instead of all this gross consumerism I've been willingly participating in for so long. Who needs coffee creamer when you have tea? Who needs fresh orange juice when you've got an old grape Kool-aid packet left over from 1992? Besides I just brushed my teeth, why would I want to eat onions?

I'm not leaving the house today and nothing can make me.

Why Do We Live Here?

Western Michigan blows.

It blows especially hard this time of year, when I swear to you it snows every goddamn day. I bundle up in the morning like a fucking marshmallow. A fashionable marshmallow in my fur and velvet earmuffs and Calvin Klein parka, but still. It's hard to sashay around and maintain maximum cuteness in all this gear. I might slip on the layers of ice and snow that have been building up since it began snowing nonstop at Thanksgiving and break a hip or chip a tooth and that ain't cute at all.


There is a 4 block stretch of road on my commute that I've started calling "the Black Eye express" because of all of the pot hole induced boob jostling.

Why hasn't somebody invented a form of pavement that doesn't buckle, cave in on itself and disintegrate in cold weather?


Why don't they bring back full service gas stations so that I don't have get out of the car to pump gas? I would pay extra for this. I really would.


What moronic clan of mouth breathers decided this type of environment was habitable enough to build a city that my husband would be unwillingly transferred to hundreds of years later causing us to move away from our beautiful and cozy home in a place where it doesn't snow every goddamn day and I never once dreamed of owning a parka, waterproof snow boots or any type of fleece whatsoever? ? ?



Here is a photo that I took while I was driving to work this morning.

(Insert blood curdling scream here.)

I realize that the roads were shitty and that I probably shouldn't have taken my hands off the wheel long enough to take a photo., but I felt it had to be done and look I'm totally fine.