Friday, October 30, 2009

You're Killing Me

Dear Tree Trimmer Guy Who I Paid With a Personal Check Over 2 Weeks Ago,

Hey man, what gives? Please end my suffering and deposit the fucking check already. Maybe I should thank you for reminding my why I so seldom write checks anymore and that reason would be that it feels like a crap shoot every time. Especially when compared to the immediate gratification and sense of closure I get from paying for things online, with cash or using my debit card.

I cannot imagine why you have allowed so much time to go by and still not yet deposited my check.

Are you trying to prove something?

Are you in a contest with yourself to see how long you can go without needing my money?

Are you trying to drive me insane?

Dude, are you dead? What the hell happened?

Did you lose the check? Hey, that's cool. Not a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about. It happens to the best of us. Please call me and I will gladly cancel the check. In it's place I will pay you in lovely cash that I will happily withdraw from the ATM so that I can have the satisfaction of seeing the $200 drained from my checking account within a matter of seconds instead of obsessively, compulsively checking my fucking balance several times every day like a god damned lunatic to see if you have deposited my check yet.

Banks are located pretty much everywhere around town and every corner of planet earth. I will draw you a map if you need me to. Also I am led to understand that you don't even have to go to a bank. It's true! You can make deposits with ATM machines 24 hours a day and don't even have to get out of your car! It's crazy, but I promise, it's true!

Please don't make me call and ask you about it because by that time I will no longer be able to disguise my hysteria.

You have until Monday. Afternoon. Or maybe Tuesday morning. No later than Wednesday.

I'm serious.

Kindest Regards,


SkylersDad said...

I always write "Cash this you idiot" in the memo section, it helps.

BeckEye said...

Oh my God, I HATE when people don't cash my checks within a week. My roommate does it all the time with my rent check, forcing me to do math in my head every damn day, which I suck at. Therefore, I usually end up with $25 to last me for the last 3 days before I get paid.

i am playing outside said...

I'm of an age where I'll likely never own a single cheque. I have a chequing account, but I don't actually have cheques, and I click Savings on a debit machine to use my chequing account. Its messed up HAHA

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - Dang - that is so smart! I will consult you about such financial matters in future.

Beckeye - I have actually been putting off grocery shopping until this asshole gets it together. I have plenty of money in there, but it makes me all nervous.

Player - I think that I will start spelling it "Cheque" instead of "Check". Your way is much, much sexier.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Say the check was for sixty bucks. That dullard is waiting till your balance hits $59.99 to cash that sucker. And it will give him a boner.

WendyB said...

Thanks for reminding me I have to cash two checks.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

I kinda do shit like that.

My bad.

Churlita said...

I'm poor. If someone writes me a check, I pretty much run to the bank to deposit it. If I had money I might wait because I'm also lazy sometimes.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Veg - I will now add "cruelty" to my list of scenerios why he hasn't cashed it yet.

WendyB - I'm here to help.

Candy - It's not my MO, but I have done it too. Mainly because I'm so used to direct deposit that going to the bank to deposit a check has somehow become a pain in the ass.

Churlita - Poor and lazy? Who are you telling? My unemployment checks are direct deposited.