Monday, November 2, 2009

The Wicked Witch

Ever since MDH and I moved to the suburbs I have looked forward to passing out candy to all the adorable little trick or treating tots at Halloween each year. I usually carve a jack o'lantern and choose just the right candies and run excitedly when the doorbell rings to fuss and squeal over all the adorable costumes of the little rosy cheeked munchkins who look up at me with such wonder and appreciation as I happily toss mini bags of Sour Skittles and Reece's Cups into their plastic pumpkin heads. I look forward to it, but it never seems to turn out like how I envision it.

Oh sure we get a couple of rosy cheeked yada yada, but mostly it seems like I'm giving away treats to half assed lame-o's who barely blurt out "Trick or treat" and never seem to say "Thank you." It kind of sucks.

Well it's over. We're done with trick or treaters due to the sparse number of participants, lame costume ensembles and over all weak character of the slack jawed miscreants that visited our home this year. I informed MDH that next year we are shutting it down. Lights off. We're going to the movies instead. Fuck it.

What tipped me over the edge? The two teenage boys who not only had the balls to show up on my welcome mat wearing no costumes but also bearing 13 gallon kitchen garbage bags drooping with the weight of god only knows how much candy. I assumed that in order to have collected such a large haul that they were either driving around from neighborhood to neighborhood or tazing the smaller children and stealing their candy. You should think that no costumes and giant sized goodie bags would be irritating enough, but no.

When I opened the door to these asshats one of them was actually chatting away on his cell phone, having what appeared to be a pretty in depth conversation. And not only that. He gave me the one finger up gesture. Yes he did. The one finger up gesture as in, hold your horses nice lady who is trying to give me free Skittles and peanut butter cups, I'm very busy on the telephone right now and will be with you shortly.

I was stunned.

As the boy continued to talk on the phone I put the bowl of candy back on the sideboard next to the front door and did that smile that I have where my mouth is closed and my lips disappear. Turning back to the door I crossed my arms over my chest in a sarcastic oh take as much time as you need kind of posture. After another moment had passed and the boy was still on the phone I gave him my most withering stare and burst a blood vessel in my left eyeball as I restrained myself from saying, "That's a very realistic douchebag costume you've got on there kiddo."

Not much better, what I actually said was, Are you kidding me? In my head the tirade continued You're that busy and important that you can't be bothered to wear a costume or get off the fucking phone while you trick or treat? Really?

Actually I blasted out most of my passive aggressive wrath on the cell phone boys poor little friend, probably because he was not on the phone and therefore available to stand there and take my abuse. I asked him if he too wouldn't like to take the opportunity to use my front porch to catch up on his correspondence and maybe do some texting or update his facebook page.

Then I actually gave those two idiots some candy just to get them the hell out of my sight, at which point my head exploded and little green and red flame shitting demons flew out of my eyes and I ran away screaming into the streets and MDH had to answer the door and finish passing out the candy for the rest of the evening.

I fully expect very soon I will find myself stamping out a flaming bag of dogshit on my front porch and/or scrubbing graffiti that says "Psycho Bitch" from my garage door.

Yep. Next year we're going to the movies. I think it's better for all parties involved. Although if someone kicks my seat I can't say I won't make trouble.


i am playing outside said...

kids are all douchebags these days. most people are.

i absolutely love the picture for this post, and its caption. how saucy!

Gwen said...

Yup. Right there with ya, sister. I turned off all the lights in the front of the house and holed up in the guest room upstairs.

I really thought some of them would try the door even though the lights were off, but they didn't. Which sort of bolstered my faith in the little asshats.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Player - I think that new technology provides more ways for people to be uncivil and rude. But to be fair though my behaviour in reaction to the kid with the cell phone and his poor little friend was not exactly top notch.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hey Gwen - you snuck in there. I get so optomistic about this kind of stuff - probably get my hopes up too high and then in reality it seems shitty. But still - I think bugging out is the best option for next year.

SkylersDad said...

We didn't have that many kids this year, I guess our neighborhood is growing up. But what we did have at least made the effort.

I probably would have grabbed the phone out of the kids and and threw it into the street.

boredmando said...

Go see Rocky Horror instead!

Anonymous said...

I'm with you on this one. The one kid actually asked "where did you get that t.v. from?" Really, you're going to scope out my house while getting free food. Meet you at the movies.

CDP said...

"realistic douchebag costume" just about killed me. It would have been lost on him, though; sarcasm is always lost on douchebags.

Jeanne said...

Note to self: Put on a costume and stay off the phone.

Oh, wait. 55-year-olds don't trick-or-treat.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - I had visions of drop kicking that child all up and down our street or grabbing the cell phone and calling his mother to tell her what a jackass her son is. Hell for all I know he might have been talking to his mother.

Mando - Thanks for the tip. It'll be just like the olden days except now I don't have any idea where to buy the weed I'll need to smoke before hand.

Suze - fantastic - the kid was casing the joint - but too stupid to keep it on the DL.

CDP - always happy to keep you laughing - I would never have actually called the kid a douchebag to his face because any time I do anything that could be construed as even remotely inappropriate - suddenly there's a parent standing right there. It's just my luck - like the time I called my ex-boyfriends 6 year old son an asshole and the time that I tried to tell my 11 year old niece what BJ meant - there they are. Never around to supervise when the child sticks her fingers in the light socket or misses the bus, but call the kid a douchebag and suddenly they become parent of the year.

Jeanne - Thanks for stopping by - don't let my rants or being 55 stop you honey - but if you're going Trick or Treating you must wear a costume. Otherwise you are just panhandling.

Churlita said...

A friend of mine lives in Austin and she says that teenagers trick or treat there all the time, but some of them are in gangs, so if you don't give them candy, they all come and mess up your house. Scary. Sometimes I'm glad I live in Iowa.

Renaissance Woman said...

I never understand why parents let their kids go Trick R Treating one they are clearly past the cute stage. Little kids...big kids have other things they could do. I don't blame you!

Tara said...

When I read that he gave you the one-finger-up gesture, I was thinking a totally different finger. Holy crap, what a rude little bastard either way. I'm hoping they didn't taze the little kids to get their candy.

When I was able to hand out candy, I don't think we had any kids with cell phones, and they at least put a cape on for a bit of effort. The no costume thing is totally lazy and needy.

BeckEye said...

I would have given his friend candy and then shut the door. Seriously.

another good thing said...

They do a raucous seance on halloween night around here... but I'm not there, I'm hiding in the bushes scaring toddlers, and keeping an eye on my thousand bucks worth of creepyass decor.