Thursday, October 15, 2009

News Round Up

1. Weekend before last MDH and I drove to Indianapolis (I know, I know, we are just too posh and glamorous and need to get over ourselves immediately) where we met with some good friends and saw the traveling King Tut exhibit at the children's museum.

It was the weekend of our wedding anniversary so MDH and I decided to arrive a day early to take in the sights of Indiana's state capital which is how we ended up touring the home of 23rd president Benjamin Harrison (yet another "feather" in our cap of presidential homes visited across America , we are now up to 7 - I know, I know, you're jealous of our James Bond like jet-setting life style filled with danger and erotic intrigue the level of which would bring a blush to the cheeks of the editors of the Penthouse forum). We thoroughly annoyed the poor docent by interrupting his scripted and well practiced room by room guided spiels to frequently and vigorously interrogate the poor old fellow on the origin and subspecies of various displayed items and tchotchkes about which he knew nothing. At the end of the tour Mr. Docent was kind to enough to call over one of the historians to help answer some of our questions.

Mr. Docent insisted that it was no trouble and explained that he actually considered our intense interest refreshing and enjoyed our challenging questions because he is used to corralling busloads of unruly school children who could care less about American history and our 23rd president and don't ask him to answer any question more taxing than the location of the restroom.

MDH and I topped off our busy day of sight seeing with a romantic dinner at St. Elmo's where we gorged ourselves on typical steakhouse fare such as shrimp cocktail, giant cuts of aged beef and a bottle of moderately priced red wine. Afterwards we waddled drunkenly back to our hotel room, bellies full and proceeded to spend the rest of the evening lolling around our hotel suite and stinking the place up with our noxious gasses. So sexy.

Anyhoo... we had a good time in Indianapolis. Thankfully I packed some Tums.

2. The following Monday afternoon after our return from Indianapolis (that would be last week) my dad called me to tell me that on Saturday as my mother was bending over, filling out a form to bid on an item in a silent auction at some affair they were attending at their country club someone at the table where she was bidding moved a box that had been under the table so that the box was now out in the aisle in front of the table and when my mother was finished filling out her bidding form she tripped over the box and fell down and broke her pelvis.

My mommy fell hard and broke her pelvis and was still in the hospital when my dad called to tell me 3 fucking days later. Fucking A man. I'm not sure why they do this, but not contacting me is pretty much included in all of their emergency planning meetings. Granted they live in Florida so I wouldn't have been able to do anything anyway, but still, keeping me, their only living child out of the loop, it's weird right?

So now my mom is in a rehab center learning how to perform exciting tricks like putting on her own underpants and rolling over in bed by herself. She may have to be there for several more weeks.

She refuses to talk to or see anyone but my father and me (with one exception described below) and even I'm not allowed to call her without permission. She arranges for me to call her via my dad who will call me at 11:27 and say "Your mom wants you to call her today at 11:30 and she will talk to you for 20 minutes or so...". It's like mission impossible.

Anyhoo... you may assume that I am concerned about my mother's condition for all the normal reasons that anyone would be, but I am also concerned that the multiple new medications she is taking for pain and anxiety (apparently she has mini-freak outs just before some of her more intensive physical therapy sessions) won't mix well with the Scotch my father has been sneaking in for her on his daily visits.

I am also concerned that my dad, left to fend for himself has thrown his low fat, low sodium, no cholesterol diet right out the window without my mom there to control every bite he puts in his mouth like she normally does.

The situation has gotten further out of hand because you see my father is a handsome and charming old chap who is very popular in the community, especially with some of the ladies, who have wasted no time swooping in to fill my parents refrigerator with their home cooked pot roasts, quiches, lasagnas and various other meat, cheese and egg heavy meals. My dad is far too polite to tell these sweet, concerned creatures that he cannot eat their fatty foods and frankly having all that good stuff conveniently prepared and ready to eat has been too much of a temptation so he's been eating it and now his ulcer has been acting up again.
An elaborate plot?
It wouldn't surprise me one iota to find out that any one of these ladies (not actually pictured above), who I personally have witnessed shamelessly flirting with my dad right in front of me and my mom, planted that box for my mom to trip over in an effort to get my mother out of the picture. There are a lot of lonely widows and divorcees in the neighborhood and my dad would be quite a catch.

My level of importance...
The charity auction where my mom fell and broke her pelvis was organized by a famous golfer who happened to be standing near my mother when she fell and who has been sending my mother flowers and calling her every single day since the accident. My mom is thrilled and I haven't the heart to mention that the famous golfer is probably only trying to butter her up so she won't sue the plaid pants off of him. She takes every call from the famous golfer even though the famous golfer has a tendency to call at the most inconvenient times, like when she is on her bedpan or sleeping or what have you. When I suggested that she simply not take the golfers calls or explain to the golfer that she was sleeping or in the middle of a big shit she acted as though I had lost my mind. How rude not to take a call from the famous golfer. And yet all my phone calls to her have to be by appointment only. At least I know where I stand.


Only 2 items in the News Round Up?
Other than job searching, overeating and watching too much TV that's really all that's been going on around here lately. I'll write again when I have more farting to discuss and issues about my parents I feel like airing publicly.
Kindest Regards,
Lady

8 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I don't think you need me to point out the obvious here, Lady. GET SOME OBNOXIOUS PANTS! (rather than NOXIOUS pants, which I gather you already have after that meal!) Then your mom will answer all your calls. Simple! That will be $175 please.

WendyB said...

Family members are just pure joy, aren't they? Good luck with everything.

Gwen said...

Wow. Now I feel all bad and stuff because your parents called me from the ambulance. I just assumed they'd called you, too.

Hang on a sec . . . .

Yeah, that was your mom on the phone. She said she's going to run off with Famous Golfer just as soon as she masters the bed-to-chair transfer.

CDP said...

I can't believe your dad didn't call you, by which I mean that the fact that he didn't call you doesn't surprise me one bit. I found out that my brother had been in the hospital for three days a full week after he had come home. When I asked my mom why she'd waited a week to call me, I found that she'd only just found out herself, because she'd been snooping around his house while babysitting my nephew, and she'd found his discharge paperwork. So they're all alike.

7 Presidential homes? Hmmm. I've seen 5, a record among my acquaintances. Damn it, I should have made time to visit the Reagan library when I was in California but I had time for Nixon OR Reagan, not both. Now I have some catching up to do. It's ON, you!

Churlita said...

Sorry to hear about your mom. I hope she heels quickly. At least you have your hubby to keep you sane and pass gas with. Happy anniversary!

kirby said...

Sorry about your mom, but I'm laughing about your dad and the retirement home ladies. My mom recently passed, and now my dad says that the women at the Elks Club are stepping over each other to offer their condolences and phone numbers. I don't know if that's sad, or just sordid. Do you think we'll end up like that, willing to give it up for a place to live and a retirement check?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Veg - my whole wardrobe lately is obnoxious pants - assuming of course you mean sweat pants. Besides, honestly - I'm all good with my mom not wanting to talk to me for awhile. It's totally cool ;)

WendyB - they always give me something to write about. Thanks for your well wishes.

Gwen - mom always did like you best!

CDP - a confession: I have to take back the figure of 7 down to 6 because I was mistakenly including Mary Todd Lincolns house in Lexington KY, which I have since writing the post discovered that Lincoln himself never actually lived there. But if I really wanted to get technical I could possibly include Taft's house which I have technically been to, but the museum was closed that day so I didn't actually get to go inside it. I have decided to let go of Taft.
Here's my official list:
Rutherford B. Hayes
Benjamin Harrison
George Washington
Thomas Jefferson
James Madison (during the restoration so we hope to go back and see the finished product)
James Monroe

Churlita - why else would one get married if not to partner up for such things.

Kirbs - Sorry about your mom. Having women fawn over your dad is totally weird. I think it's not so much because of money in my dads case because everyone in their community has money - my dad is just foxy I guess. (He's also nice looking, sweet natured and charming)

CDP said...

My 5:
Harry Truman's vacation home in Key West (do NOT miss it if you're ever in Key West. It's awesome).

JFK's birthplace in Brookline, MA

Nixon's childhood home, on the grounds of the Nixon Library in Yorba Linda, CA

Woodrow Wilson's post-White House home in DC (he is the only former President to spend his retirement in DC; the second Mrs. Wilson was a DC native)

Dwight Eisenhower's home in Gettysburg, PA.

And you know, I've never gone to Mount Vernon, but I HAVE visited Washington's HQ in Valley Forge many times. So I think that counts as a Presidential home, since he did live there. So that's six.

And DUH...I've been on the White House tour THREE TIMES. The ULTIMATE PRESIDENTIAL RESIDENCE.

I WIN.

And I should just make this a blog post.