A Random Shit List

1. Foil yogurt lids that seem specifically designed to spooge all over your clean blouse, computer monitor or any nearby surface that you would prefer not appear to be splashed with a pale creamy substance. Is there a brand of yogurt that has a lid designed to avoid lid-spooge? Can we have that please?

2. Person who drove a big giant beat up old camper to work every day last week and took up four parking spaces. Not that it inconvenienced me in any real way, other than that there were three less spaces available for the rest of us, but the idea of it bugged the shit out of me on many levels. However, as I walked by it each day on my way into the building I began to imagine all of the ways it would be inconvenient, expensive and not just a little embarrassing to be reduced to driving a big giant beat up old camper as your every day vehicle and then I wondered if perhaps you haven't hit upon some pretty hard times and don't need the added burden of my silent scorn. Or maybe you are just a dick.

3. Mysterious otherness in the butter. Actually, anything other than butter in the butter whether it is mysterious or recognizable is wrong, wrong, wrong.

4. ATM machines that ask me to choose English or Spanish for my transaction.

Um.... English.

I don't recall using an ATM anywhere else in the world that asked me to choose a language. In France you get French, in Mexico you get Spanish and so on.

I forgot to press the button to get cash back with my very important purchase of a hay bale sized box of maxi pads, peanut butter ice cream, and a bag of Cheetos at the check out counter in CVS the other day so I decided to use the cash machine next to the front door on my way out. It's the kind of purchase that really helps to explain the current delicate condition of my psyche. Anyhoo.. the ATM asked me not only to choose English or Spanish, which as I explained I already find irritating, but after I chose English it then asked me IN ENGLISH - You have chosen English for this transaction - is that correct?

Uh yeah... I meant to choose English, but riddle me this - If I had accidentally chosen the wrong language how would I be able to read your dumbass follow up question?

Also wondering aloud if anyone out there happens to be a designer of ATM machines - why the fuck is there a braille option on the drive-up ATM?

That is all for now - thank you for listening.

UPDATE 2:58PM - Just to clarify: I do not hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish out of any militant anti-immigration leanings. Frankly I could care less. The more the merrier I always say. No. I hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish because it is a waste of my precious time.