Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Doling Out the Punishments - Passive Agressive Style

People have gotten really dumb this week - have you noticed? I mean good lord, it's only Tuesday, but I've already received record volumes of frantic voice mails and moronic emails chock full of flaming envelope symbols and red exclamation points and the word URGENT! in the subject line from project team mates and co-workers who are normally quite lovely and reasonable.

These people are making demands, kicking ass and taking names and I feel like I have spent my entire day talking them down from ledges and reminding them of existing procedures that have been in place for 1000 years and asking them to revisit their old friend Common Sense and I've had about all I can take.

Calm down crazy face.

We are not performing neurosurgery here and nobody's life or job is on the line. Think about it for a minute - why would I need to request graphics for a vat of goo? That's right genius. You just sent out an angry gram, flaming envelope style email, copied to twelve million people including my boss and yours, demanding that I put graphics on a vat of chemicals.*

Re-fucking-lax dumb people.

Take yourself down to whatever is your gender appropriate restroom and splash some cold water on your face (get a coolpapertowel). Calm down and prepare for your punishment for bugging me all day fucking day with this ridiculous bullshit.

Your punishment? I will hit "Reply All" and publicly humiliate you by pointing out your blunder and reveal to the world that you have cotton candy between your ears in the form an email designed to appear informative and friendly, reminding you in a joking fashion that we cannot put graphics on goo (you silly!) copied to 12 million people including my boss and yours.

Take that jackhole.

I've also been experiencing a very high volume of asshats who are trying to work around the normal rules and procedures that have been in place for 1000 years, sending purposely wonky stuff my way and think that I won't catch on.

Well they are wrong.

The punishment is the same. Public humiliation in the form of an email designed to look like an innocent question and request for clarification about the wonky bullshit thing you sent me, copied to your boss and mine, that will make it perfectly clear to all parties involved that you are trying to get away with something sneaky and that I am on to you, you weasel.

URGENT! ? My ass.

*Not a real scenario, but similar and equally stupid.


SkylersDad said...

At my work, people seem to think they can break the rules, go around the process, hell even kill a puppy because "This project has high visibility at upper management level!"

Fuck you all you bunch of ass-hats!

Thanks, I feel better now.

Anonymous said...

Yep. I have SO been in your shoes! It's worth it when your reply goes out however. Bask in that smugness as long as you can (I know I would/did/would do again) :)

gizmorox said...

Public humiliation in the form of an email is the greatest weapon ever. I use it daily on my sales staff.

Anonymous said...

Just today someone sent me an email demanding that I do paperwork "ASAP" for a purchase that he needed "ASAP". Two ASAPs in one email. I don't purchase nor do paperwork for it. I don't think I'll reply until next week sometime to give him the news.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - It's the high visability factor that makes it so much fun to humiliate them when they ask for stupid shit. Glad you're feelin' better.

Veg - I bask - you betcha there is basking.

Gizmo - it sucks though when it comes back and I find out that I'm the asshat. Fortunately I'm mostly oblivious so it hardly ever happens to me.

Suze - Ahh, yes Suze you are correct. Waiting for the right time to respond to ASAP, letting the ASAP age like fine wine, those are great moments.

Also returning from a sick or vacation day to ASAP emails is pretty fun too.

WendyB said...

I urgently need to leave a dumb comment here!

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Niiiice, give em hell babe!

stupid fucking jackhole's soooo deserve your ire!!

Pyzahn said...

Thank you for making me happy that I don't have a job.

i am playing outside said...

i'd very much like to work with you at some point in my life. i think we'd get shit done.

Churlita said...

I also love that "Busier than thou" attitude. As if the ASAP person is so busy, and the rest of us are just sitting with our thumbs up our asses waiting for their urgent emails.

Linka72 said...

Well I work in Tech Support so you can imagine the kind of "urgent" bullshit I get...Example:
" Ummm, HI!. I set a plant on my monitor/printer/flux capacitor..And I overwatered it. Should I be concerned about the smoke and blue sparks or should I just keep working??

people are idiots..period.

Coaster Punchman said...

I often resist the urge to commit the sins you describe. The difference between me and your asshats (aside from the fact that I am just downright better than they are) is that I know at this point in my life never to click SEND while I am pissed off. I always edit out the rough language and remove the cc's before I send an email based on nothing more than my anxiety.

Renaissance Woman said...

I love your rant! And I totally agree with you. When people say ASAP or just simply lose their minds...it makes me want to do the opposite.