Saturday, April 4, 2009

Elle aime le jazz

It's going to take every ounce of strength in my being to make this post into something other than a year long rant about how fucking sick I am of college basketball right now. And there you go. I've done it again and dropped the f-bomb in the first sentence, but I suppose it can only demonstrate how I really very sick I am of college basketball.

sickofit - you might say in a tight lipped whisper yell like the kind your mom or aunts used to give you when/if you farted really loud in church (Who? Me?). Let's face it, it's not possible to fart quietly in church, all church farts are loud, but it is possible for your mother or aunts to beat you and scream at you in church or other public spaces without anyone noticing. It's a gift they have.

Anyhoo... that's all I'm going to say about college basketball today.

Instead, while my darling husband hogs the TV on yet another Saturday night, I'm going to busy myself writing a post about things that I want and before I get started I suppose I should explain the title of my post.

You see, sometimes when I tell my husband that I want something it is his little joke to say back at me "Je vousdrais, Je vousdrais, Je vousdrais", which all this time I thought meant "I want" in French. I have even heard him say this to waiters while pointing at menus in French restaurants - in France, so I thought it would make a cute title for my post about things that I want.

Never one to take this blog thing lightly (or at least that's how I feel about it today) I decided before I make a total ass of myself I should probably do a little research and find out the exact translation of "Je vousdrais" and have come to discover that there isn't one. Apparently it doesn't mean a damn thing, except maybe, "Hello snooty Parisian wait person. I am a boorish American asshole. Please smirk at me and drop ashes from your cigarette into my food before you bring it out from the kitchen. Merci!"

So I had to scrap using "Je vousdrais" for my title as I have been unable to prove that it means anything at all, but the desire for a title in French remained. Sadly I remember very little of high school French, (hence my gullibility with believing the whole "Je vousdrais" thing) except for one little phrase that has stuck with me after all these years.

It is a phrase that I remember listening to and trying to replicate while wearing headphones and sitting in a carrel in the foreign languages lab at my high school. It always seemed, especially after hundreds of hours of repetition, profoundly silly. Elle aime le jazz. What? Who talks like that and who gives a merde?

So what was I talking about? Oh yes. Things I want. Just for today, for the sake of my sanity and to reduce the number of scathing comments that I might receive from those more socially conscious readers (if there are any out there), that although they do not appear on this purely selfish list of things that I want, please assume that I truly do want world peace and the end of hunger and poverty.

1. I want living room furniture. New living room furniture. Furniture that hasn't been owned by other people before coming to live with me.

2. I want my neighbors dog to be struck suddenly with larangytis and stop barking all the time (and yet see want #6 - I'm a woman filled with contradictions).

3. I want warm cherry pie with a dollop of vanilla ice cream to magically appear before me, as opposed to me just sitting here craving warm cherry pie a la mode and not wanting to put on pants and leave the house and go to the store to get it, heat up the pie myself etc.. and end up settling for eating an apple (although they are delish) and being dissatisfied which is what will most likely happen.

4. I want our hot tub to go away and be replaced with a covered patio paved with red bricks in a herringbone pattern.

5. I want to get out of going to my Uncle Dan and Aunt P's for Easter next weekend.

6. I want a dog. Specifically this dog - her name is Dollie and she's available for adoption from the West Michigan SPCA. Damn. I should know better than to ever look at Isn't she cute? She's a dachshund, chihuahua mix. I'm not getting a dog. MDH and I travel too much and we think it would be too traumatic for our cat, who really doesn't like other animals. Maybe someday.

7. I already mentioned the pie.

Well, I guess that's it. That's all I want for now. Other than for a certain sport that rhymes with tasketwall to be over - forever - or just for this year.

Here's a fun pretend French song by Flight of the Conchords. It sounds like Jemaine says "Je voudrais un croissant", but it's hard to be sure:


gizmorox said...

You're not wrong, you've just got an extra s. From what I remember, je voudrais means I want, but in whatever tense it is that we would add the word "would" to. It's basically a formal way of saying "I would like." And really? Get rid of the hot tub? Can I have it? :)

Coaster Punchman said...

Gizmo is right - and the reason you didn't find a translation is that you had an extra "s" in it (at least for most of your post you did, you spelled it correctly on the last mention.)

Now I want cherry pie, or pah as they say in Oklahoma (just drove through there last week - if you're crabby just thank your lucky stars you don't live THERE.)

Coaster Punchman said...

And try putting money on one of the teams - that will perk up your interest in basketball in a heartbeat.

sparsely kate said...

I think it is well in your rights to be a bit miffed on a saturday night while your hubby watches some basketball game. I hope you get that pie AND some nice new furniture!!

SkylersDad said...

Very cute dog, now go save her.

Hurry, go.

What? You're still here?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Giz - excellent - those are a few of my favorite words to hear "you're not wrong". Awesome. You know I wondered if perhaps I was misspelling it - but had know way of telling.

You can absolutely have our hot tub - come and get it. Trade you for some bricks?

Coaster - I feel like Joey from Friends whenever I attempt a foreign language the one where he just goes "Je du ploop blee see saw"

SKate - it just goes on for so long - it starts in October and goes till April (apparently) and then when basketball is over it just goes on to the next thing (baseball, golf) and I never get to watch TV. (I know we should get another TV, but the cable costs too much).

Skydad - the answer to dog ownership at the moment is a big no. Maybe someday. Dottie is pretty irresistable, but today I must resist.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Je voudrais une biere GRANDE, MAINTENANT!

I want to speak French all day now. It's fun, especially when you need to make words up sometimes.

I sometimes look at our local classifieds on kijiji and ALWAYS make the stupid mistake of looking at the puppies/kittens/dogs/cats section. Then I ALWAYS end up in tears at all the people going "My cat of seven years has to go as I am allergic" or "I can't keep him as I'm moving into an apartment that doesn't take pets!" and I think WHY would anyone with a pet move someplace you can't have a pet? Then I get angry. AND sad. And start logistically planning how I can fit nine dogs and seventeen cats into our tiny apartment.

Then I just cry some more.

Gwen said...

I have little to add now that the "voudrais" has been fixed.

Oh! I know! I, too, hate Final Four season but have no humans with penises in my house so am not subjected to the torture. Go me!

Churlita said...

Maybe you could want a 2nd TV, so you wouldn't be subjected to all of that basketball.