Wednesday, July 23, 2008

20 Questions - Part One - C'mon people...

Well perhaps I was a bit optimistic yesterday when I said that I would only choose 20 questions to answer. I was cock-sure that my inbox would be filled to the brim and nearly bursting at the seams with your inquiries about the glory and wonder that is me. Umm... maybe I have already given away all the goodies on this blog and lost your curiosity completely as my inbox is quite flaccid. I've only gotten 10 questions asked so far and one of you (Thanks Gwen!) asked two questions.

I'll start with Gwen's questions because not only did she devote a great deal of her post to me today and I'm a huge suck up, but also because it's a topic that causes great debate between me and my mom.

Gwen asks:

Are you particular about the direction your toilet paper goes on the roll? You know, the end of the paper on top of the roll vs. on the bottom of the roll?

Yes Gwen. As it happens I am quite particular about this. My mother thinks that the paper should go under, which is clearly insane. Have you ever been drunk and spinning and spinning that goddamned toilet paper roll all around trying to find the end until you're dizzy and ready to cry? Then you end up all angry, scratching and clawing at it like a wild animal? My mother is quite the lush so I'm puzzled that she continues to place the paper in the dispenser this way. She says the end of the roll is "unsightly". (Cu-koo!)

I am a firm believer that the toilet paper end should be prominently displayed for the next potential wiper and not hidden away like some secret treasure. It should go over. Go to any hotel worth a damn and you will find it displayed this way, sometimes in a tidy triangular fold. Some of the swankier hotels will even fold it in a festive and easily grasped fan shape. This pleases me greatly.

We don't argue about it anymore. She goes her way and I go mine, but secretly I know in my heart that I am correct because if the Four Seasons is doin' it my way, then it cannot be wrong.

Gwen also asks:

How did you and YDH meet?

MDH (My Darling Husband) and I met on almost 9 years ago, before most people were calling themselves McLovin* or putting pictures of themselves on their profiles. You can read some of our correspondence during the early days of our budding romance here.

Speaking of pictures, Linka72 over at Stop Looking At My Screen. Nosy, a frequent commenter and very funny blogger, asks:

Have you ever taken a photo such as that for your husband (or any man for that matter)??..

I'll assume that you are asking if I've ever had a sexy-ish photo taken of myself in some kind of nudie, glamour shot type of situation and I'll start off with the short answer which is - not on purpose.

I normally don't give out a lot of information about things that occurred of a sexual nature before I met my husband, but I'll make an exception, because I promised I would. Here is the dirt:

Once upon a time when I was single and in the throes of a serious drought I deigned to go out with a man who was a total cheese ball. I gave him a break because he had a cool job as a photographer for a local newspaper and he started to look a lot more appealing after I let him get me shitfaced. Fast forward to what was probably only an hour or two later, in a whirlwind of desperation to get laid, I allowed this man to whisk me back to his place where we proceeded to make out on his sofa.

One thing lead to another, as can happen sometimes when an unattached young lady hasn't had even the slightest prospect of a high hard one for several months, and I found myself sobering up and nude in his bedroom. In the nick of time apparently, as we had broken ranks for a moment so that he could dig around for a condom - so there wasn't yet any penetration. I trotted hazily off to the bathroom to collect my thoughts and along the way discovered a hallway plastered with framed photographs of kittens.

Kittens in baskets, kittens in teacups, kittens wearing tiny straw hats and overalls. There were photographs of kittens all over the fuckin' place. It was a kitten decor from kitten hell. I thought maybe it was his idea of kitch, so I yelled out "Like kittens much?", to which he replied in a completely serious tone, "You know? I really do."

Needless to say, after some witless blathering about having to get up early the next morning, I started to high tail it out of there. I rushed back into the bedroom to scoop up my clothes and as I was doing that jumping dance, trying to get dressed and run away as quickly as possible at the same time, I bumped into something.

It was a tripod.

With a video camera on it.

The red light was blinking.

For all I know there is some horrifying video out there showing all of my pink giblets to the world, making out in the nude with some random shithead. I don't know. I don't care. I never looked back. I never returned his calls.
The end.

Stay tuned for more of your burning questions answered (that is a clue for you Pistols). Meanwhile the comments box is open folks - let's see if we can't get to at least 21 questions asked - so that I will feel as though I have some options here. Humor me.

*A friend at work just joined and is continually disgusted by the overwhelming number of men using the handle "McLovin". If a McLovin sends her a message she automatically assumes a lack of personality and imagination and deletes it.


evil-e said...

You are truly a wise woman. Toilet paper needs to be blatantly displayed and always over.

Falwless said...

Wait just a damn second. You got something against kittens, lady?

In all seriousness, I laughed aloud (for real) at this: "You know? I really do."

This story is glorious. I'm liable to gank it and use it as my very own. Except instead of kittens, it will be a wall of unicorns. Because, c'mon, a whole wall of dumb unicorns? Way funnier.

(You should have changed it to unicorns.)

(Oh well.)

(Also, I am gathering my thoughts for a question. It has to be perfect.)

(I heart parenthesii.)

Anonymous said...

Oh you little minx!! Poor kitten man.

This post made me laugh.

Hey I didn't know about the email question time (fabulous idea)...I"ll think of one for you, Ok?

Anonymous said...

A Question I Would Like Answered (please)

Have you ever been on a plane with terrible turbulence? What is the worst air plane experience of your life? What flight was it, where were you going and what happened?

minijonb said...

Do you have any celebrity crushes? If so, who?

dmarks said...

" I thought maybe it was his idea of kitch, so I yelled out "Like kittens much?", to which he replied in a completely serious tone, "You know? I really do."

Well, at least I know you didn't (nearly) have a fling with Obama, since, according to a bumper sticker, he hates kittens.

stepping over the junk said...

Oh my GOD. The kittens saved you. Imagine that. I am going to start using some of your phrases in conversation when drunk I think. "Cock sure" being one of them.

Keeper Of All Things said...

I have a question I posted on my blog....maybe you can help me out 'cause noone else could
Preserve nature
date a
Real Blond
This is on a t-shirt I bought....thought it was funny then relized I didn't know what it meant....maybe you can help tell me what it means?!

Tara said...

The last hotel didn't have toilet paper ready like you describe. I knew I should've turned around and looked for a better place. Well next time. I actually liked having the toilet paper hidden, but I see your point about it being nice that it's ready for the next user.

Churlita said...

What a creep to take a video without asking. I guess you wouldn't expect any better from a kitten photo lover guy.

Michelle said...

I, too, feel that the toilet paper should hang over the top! Not just because it should be prominently displayed, but because I don't like the idea of it hanging down and touching the wall. Who knows what's been on or still on that wall?? Makes me shudder, so I always tear off a few squares if the toilet paper hanging from the bottom of the roll. Yes, I have put a lot thought into this.

The story about the kitten guy was hilarious! That is one of the FUNNIEST things I have ever heard! And truly, kitten photos all over his walls? Definitely a turn-off and a red flag me thinks!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Evil - we always seem to agree about all the really important issues.

Fawless - I assure you I worked in the veterinary industry for a very long time and have nothing against kittens. I have big reservations about creepy guys who overzealously decorate their apartments with images of them however.

Unicorns would have been funnier, although no less scary, but the kittens, and shamefully everything else in that story is 100% true.

I can't wait to see your question.

SKate - don't feel sorry for him! I'm sure he has moved on and found a woman with a fine collection of air brushed unicorn art. On velvet perhaps.

Your question has been added to the data bank for use in a travel themed answer post. Thanks!

Minijonb - I just read about your X-Files/Gillian Anderson quandry and now this question makes more sense. Thanks for asking - I will answer in a future post.

DMarks - hating kittens is all the rage it seems these days.

Stepping - It's true! I hadn't thought of that before, but the kittens DID save me.

I learned "Cock-sure" from an Ohio Highway patrolman I used to date.

Keeper - Hi! Welcome to my blog. I will have to give this some thought and perhaps do a little research, but I'll letcha know what I come up with.

Tara - if the hotel had good cable and free wireless internet I'm sure you were fine. We'll have to agree to disagree about the toilet paper - I still love you anyway.

Michelle - I never thought of it from a germ-a-phobes perspective. More ammo for me on this issue (or should I say - tissue? - Sorry, I can never resist a pun - it's genetic.)

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Churlita - Sorry! Didn't mean to skip over your comment.

He was a creep, but I like to think that perhaps he waited until I left the room and then got up and turned on the camera. Jesus I hope so.

Gwen said...

I'm late to comment because there was just so much to cover that I had to wait until I got home.

1. OMG YES! The toilet paper is SUPPOSED to go over the top. This was a test, you passed. Besides, what does your mom know? She thinks it's pronounced "Bethesdala."

Also, it's a good idea to do it this way if you have cats. Leave the flap hanging and you'll likely find toilet paper strewn all over the house then you get home.

2. A-ha! My Darling Husband. Noted.

3. You said high hard one.

4. I've seen the video. It's called "The Lady Who Doesn't F*ck." I just thought that was where you got the name for this website.

5. Your courage with online dating is refreshing. I might be inspired to try it, but don't get your hopeless romantic hopes up.

This series is fun! Thanks for letting me hijack your comments.

pistols at dawn said...

Holy crap! Nice dodge, though I'm sure you gave him more than what he needed on tape.

And I'll go with: what was the worst pickup line ever used on you? And you can't say any of the ones I've used on you. While you were sleeping.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Gwen - this may be my favorite comment that anyone has ever left on my blog. I audibly gasped at "The Lady Who Doesn't F*ck". Gasped. And then burst into a thousand naughty giggles.

I selfishly encourage you to dive into the dating pool again.

Pistols - like I said in an earlier comment I hope like hell that he waited until I left the room to turn the camera on, in which case all he had was some fond memories of my bare ass running out the door.

As for the pick-up line - noted - it's going into the data bank.

Linka72 said... said pink giblets..I have laughed myself to the point of nausea.