The Dodgin' Bullets Hokey-Pokey

MDH came home from Texas on Friday only to leave me here all alone again this morning.

I don't mind. Go my darling. Have fun.

Yes. He rented a car and is driving to Cape Cod. Without me. Go my darling. Have fun.

I don't mind because first of all, that's a long fucking drive and quite frankly I've had it up to here with traveling (envision me holding my arms up to the ceiling, but not too close to the ceiling fan), as we have already been on 3 long weekend jaunts in the past 5 weeks.

Secondly, this trip to Cape Cod is occurring during week days and I have to work.

Thirdly, MDH is going to sleep on the sofabed of the cottage my brother-in-law Syracuse has rented for the week in Eastham. As glorious and high-falutin' as that sounds, I don't sleep on sofas, even if they do have the word "bed" tacked on at the end.

Now, to be totally honest, the real reason that this adventure is wholly unappealing to me has to do with my unsavoriest of brothers-in-law, Knucklehead, who has for the past several months been safely tucked away, enfolded in the gentle, loving arms of the Massachusetts penal system.

At first MDH and Syracuse were not worried about inviting my mother-in-law to the cottage because Knucklehead was otherwise occupied making license plates. But then after the plans had been made and Ma was already invited, Knucklehead was somehow released, all charges, having something to do with beating a co-worker senseless with a brick, dropped. He was now running loose once again in the world. At any rate he was back to using Ma's tiny apartment as a flophouse and she cannot be invited anywhere, let alone to a beach vacation by her other sons, without being upset if Knucklehead is not also included on the invitation.

So as much as MDH and Syracuse would have liked to treat Ma to a nice couple of carefree days at the beach it could not be done without Knucklehead bumming along for the free ride.

Then a miracle happened. Knucklehead, within no less than a week of his release from the pokey, was arrested and jailed yet again for beating someone senseless. I think it was someone different this time and I'm not sure if it was with a brick, but whatever it was I've never seen one family (minus Ma) so excited to have one of it's own behind bars. This time when Ma called around crying for bail money, nobody was putting up.

MDH and Syracuse were gleefully back to high spirited vacation planning. It was going to be great. MDH would drive to Boston to pick up Ma and then drive her up the Cape for a fabulous 4 days of relaxing on the beach, eating steamed lobsters and quality family time spent huddled around the TV watching the Red Sox.

Last Saturday however, a scant week before Cape Cod go-time, Knucklehead was released yet AGAIN !

At this point it is too late and let's face it you can't uninvite your Ma from a trip to the beach now can you? Well, if it were up to me I could, but I have chosen to distance myself from this situation by having said no from the start.

In Knucklehead's defense, after the moaning and grumbling from MDH and Syracuse about how he's such a free loader, Ma has offered this delectable tidbit - that Knucklehead will pay for all the food for the trip with the food stamps that he has been collecting and unable to use since he's been locked up. Fabulous. Wonderful.

How this is supposed to make up for the fact that my darling MDH is now going to be sharing the sleeper sofa of the cottage with Knuckehead, a deranged and dangerous criminal, instead of me, a person who has never been arrested for any crime or beaten up anyone with a brick (as much as I have wanted to I was able to restrain myself) and has never once threatened to kill him in his sleep however loud his snoring was, I have no idea.

So this is what I'm missing out on. Go ahead my darling. Have fun. Without me. Just don't turn your back on this guy or leave any sharp objects or blunt ended building materials within his reach.