20 Questions - Part Two - STD's & Personal Care Edition

Welcome back! Glad to know that I haven't driven all of you away with my recent severe hatred of over used trite phrases, tales of long ago unsatisfied promiscuity, and crazed obsession with the direction of the toilet paper roll. I'll have to try harder from now on. (I'm just kidding, please don't leave me.)

Ummm... what was I talking about? Oh yes, today's installment of 20 questions. Here we go...

Pistols at Dawn, self-professed jerk, and one of my all time favorite bloggers, writes:

Please tell me the best STD story your "friends" have ever told you. Wait, that's not a question. Can you make it one? That's a question.

I know many of you will find this hard to believe and don't give me any shit about it because it's the truth, but I personally don't know anyone who has fessed up to ever having anything worse than a yeast infection and unfortunately (for the purposes of telling your requested story) those are not typically transmitted sexually.

Try again Pistols:

What was the worst pickup line ever used on you?

Strike two Pistols. I don't have much experience in this arena either. I never really got hit on very much, so my collection of cheesy pick up lines that guys have tried on me is limited to the standard kind that we all have heard, were so bad as to be completely forgotten or simple, brutish references to my rack or his cock.

When I used to go out a lot the bars I frequented were pretty clique-ish so most of the people at these places knew me or knew of my reputation as a "nice girl" - it kept me out of trouble, much to my chagrin. I also had a lot of male friends around which tend to fend off advances from potentially interested dudes.

Moving on...

CDP, who has a lovely blog with some fantastic writing over at (parenthetical) asks:

What cosmetic/skin care/hair product or products are you currently obsessed with?

Excellent question. This is a topic that's dear to my heart - Potions!!

I'm all over Kiehl's Abyssine line of anti-aging goop. These products have allowed me to fool myself, much more easily than similarly priced products, into believing that they are actually working. I have been buying these products on line and using them for years without having ever stepped inside a Kiehl's store, so I was thrilled to disover that limited items from this brand are available at Target.

Lean in a little closer so that I can tell you all about how I snagged what is normally a $32 jar of eye cream that was mismarked on a clearance end cap for $2. Score! God I love Target.

Also - keep your eyes peeled for a hair care brand called Davines (Dah-Ven-Ess), I hereby predict that within a year it'll be all the rage.

Our last question in this installment is from Chris over at The Radloff's Random Midnight Thoughts who wants to know:

What's your favorite drink recipe? I have a new blender, you see, and not much imagination. I needs help.

Fear not Chris. I may not know much about STD's or pick-up lines, but I do know my way around blender drinks. Here are two of my favorite recipes:

Non-Alcoholic:

Lady's Gotta Smoothie

1 banana (peel it first silly!)

1 juice of one lemon

1 cup of your favorite frozen or fresh berries

1/2 cup ice

1/2 cup orange juice

Add all of that shit to your blender, slowly. Blend and add more shit as the stuff gets blended. Look at you all healthy and shit!

Lets get drunk now... here's a good one for summer:

Watermelon Sloshy (like a slushy, only with booze)
2 cup watermelon (seeded, cubed)
1/2 cup pomegranate juice
1/2 cup ice cubes

1/2 cup vodka (add more if you want, it's your liver)

Blend until slushy. Hammer time.

More questions answered - coming soon!

Four Squares

I'm not feeling very creative today and slept in too late for anything interesting to happen, so have decided to take a little break and steal someone else's (some guy) idea for a post.

Four Jobs I've Had In My Life:
1. Sales Clerk at Pier 1 Imports from 1986 to 1988. I learned a lot by working here, but mainly that people are mean. Especially during the holiday season. I also learned that asshole parents will let their asshole children run around like animals and expect sales clerks to babysit while they are shopping. Asshole parents will then yell at the sales clerk because their nasty, misbehaved, asshole children have hurt themselves after knocking over an end cap full of hand blown Polish stemware while playing tug of war with a hand stitched Chilean hammock.

2. Accounts Payable Clerk for a small industrial parts distributor. It was a family owned business and the family was a bunch of solid pinheads. It was boring and they treated us like monkeys, but I met my best friend Amy there. She worked on the other side of the cloth wall that separated the A/P cubicles from the A/R cubicles. One day my first week of working there I heard someone singing the Smiths song "What Difference Does It Make?" and when she got to the line "I smoke 'cause I'm hoping for an early death", I stood up to see who it was and sang the rest of the line, "and I need to cling a hing hing to some-thing". Then she stood up and we sang the yodeling part of the song together. We've been best friends for 14 years. A port in the storm, that girl.

3. Office Manager for a subcontractor. I was the only woman among 25 men. I learned a lot about men there. Mainly that most of them are sex-crazed cretins to be avoided at all costs. I know more about men than I care to actually. Ladies let me tell you, if you knew what they were really thinking about you, you would spend every waking moment of your life creeped out and beating them with your purse. But since that's no way to live I looked for their brighter sides made sure I was friendly with all of their wives and/or girlfriends and we all got along just fine - and I put a pad lock on the ladies room door. Oh yeah, I had the best boss here. He was like my brother. He's the one who inspired me to get my degree and got me signed up for tuition reimbursement. He was a great guy and I'd work for him again in a minute. I owe him a lot. He was not a cretin.

4. Traveling Software Trainer. Life on the road sucks but the work was rewarding and I was really quite good at it. I found my calling as a teacher you might say. I didn't have an office to go to every day, saw my boss and other co-workers once a year and mostly kept control of my own doings. I'm just not cut out for the road. I gained 50 pounds and lost the will to leave the house. Seriously, I was worried I was turning into an agoraphobic.

Four Countries I've Been To (in order of most recently visited):
1. Canada - Toronto to be specific. Love that city!
2. France - Paris
3. Bermuda
4. Mexico

Four Places I'd Rather Be:
1. Home's not bad. I love being here, especially in my kitchen whippin' up some good grub. I'm a terrific home chef. Tonight we're having braised rosemary leg of lamb with tabbouleh salad and pommes frites, which is just a fancy way of sayin' french fried per-taters. 'Ceptin' of course that I make mine in the oven. Nothing is fried in my kitchen. This household has cholesterol issues.
2. Snorkeling at Hanauma Bay on Oahu. It costs $5 to snorkel all day in a sheltered cove and is also a film location for the Elvis movie Blue Hawaii.

3. If I could I would go back in time and visit Amy's back porch circa 1998. We all still smoked then and sat on the back porch puffing away, talking and laughing about stupid shit.

4. On the back of my cousin Julie's horse Freckles. This would also require time travel because Julie sold her 5 years ago. I'm not much of a rider, but I liked Freckles best because she was predictable and didn't mind that I only rode in large circles and didn't do jumps. She seemed to enjoy the break from Julies kids who treated her like a fucking theme park ride.

Four Foods I Like To Eat:
1. Caprese Salad, or in redneck speak - toe-maters drizzled in olive oil, sprinkled with basil, salt and pepper and if I'm real lucky some fresh rolled mozzarella cheese (that's pizza cheese, for any of my family members who are reading this). But only if the tomatoes are just right. I also like them drizzled and sprinkled on a toast sandwich. Like a BLT without the B or the L (or the mayo).

2. Fresh asparagus that has been blanched (quickly bawled) for not more than 1 minute. Tossed with garlic sesame sauce, sprinkled with sesame seeds. Served chilled. In the summer I pretty much keep a Tupperware container of this in the fridge at all times to munch on throughout the day.

3. Corn on the cob doused with lime juice and lots of salt.

4. 9 grain toast with real butter and strawberry preserves. Toast and jam. It's the only thing I use real butter for. Like I said, cholesterol issues.

At this point I'm wondering why am I so fat? These all seem pretty healthy and wholesome food choices. Maybe the oil and butter, eh?

Four Personal Hero's
I don't like this one much, but I'll give it my best. It changes frequently and I'm suspicious of the word "hero". Most of mine are dead, as live people often let me down.
1. My best friend Amy. Mom, scholar, wife, ex-wife and a raggy bitch. I love her awful. She's exactly the kind of mother I would have wanted to be had I decided to travel that path. She's firm but fun and her daughter is a delightful child to be around. Amy is also one of the funniest, smartest and most generous people I've ever met.

2. Dorothy Parker - I know she was a slutty, drunken manic-depressive, but what wit, what spice, she was the cat's pajamas.

3. Georges Sand - although I don't care much for her writing I always admire slutty women who were ahead of their time.

4. Coco Chanel - another slut ahead of her time with great taste in clothes. L'elegance c'est moi!!

Four Books I've Read Recently
1. Currently re-reading The Aspern Papers by Henry James. I'm on a Venice kick lately.

2. Just finished First Among Sequels by Jasper Fford. I'm a big fan and have read all of his books and feel strongly that you should too (if you're at all into fiction that is). I order his books in advance, pay full price and wait wide-eyed, with my face pressed agained the front window until they arrive.

3. Harry Potter and the I've Already Forgotten, oh yeah, Deathly Hallows.

4. What Is The What, by Dave Eggers - I waited until it went on sale and I really shouldn't have. It was an awesome and true story. Totally worth face pressing and full price.