Monday, September 28, 2009

Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Hot Mess

Forgive me Blogland for I have sinned. It has been 20 days since my last confession, I mean blog post. I have been a right mess and until recently was in no mood for much of anything other than playing endless games of Big Kahuna Reef (it's like Jewel Quest except with seashells and tikis) or watching endless amounts of mindless, syndicated television. Here are 2 important things that I have learned:

1. Tyra Banks is an ass.

2. I need the company of other human beings.

During the first couple of weeks in September I morphed into a weepy, be-sweatpantsed, mascara smeared, unemployed lady-blob.

Early last week I almost reached the tipping point and was moments away from an apathetic and joyless life consisting of eating all my food straight from a can and wearing nothing but mumus, but thanks to a kind email from Gwen with a picture of a kitty, the hope provided by an online Oracle class offered by my local community college, the company of my good friends Jogger and Ladette, and a well timed, real job opportunity I was able to start snapping out of it.
I shook out my pony tail, showered, got dressed again, and put on make up.

I started doing all those things that I had planned to do in order to take advantage of all the free time I had. I started making the bed every day. I finally took down and washed the living room curtains. I got my cholesterol checked (high, but not too bad) and made appointments for teeth cleaning and an eye exam. I even sucked it up and applied for unemployment (even though everyone kept telling me you can't get it when you were a temp, which turns out not to be true) and discovered that being on the dole isn't so bad.

Yes. This upswing lasted for about 4 days.

Just when things were looking up for me I was suddenly and violently shoved back into my sweatpants. I was struck back down into raccoon eyed, ponytail hell by what I can only assume was the flu. I don't know what kind of flu, but to please Gwen we'll call it the Heiney Flu (H1N1) although it could possibly simply be that it's a rotten head cold and I'm a big baby.

Anyhoo... What the hell man? This is like the 4th or 5th time I've been sick this year. Fuck. I like to think of myself as a hale and hearty type, but since last Tuesday I've been wallowing around in my jammies wheeling around a sickroom humidifier, that I rigged up on an office chair with a bath towel to catch any spills, with me from room to room. My glamorous entourage of late, in addition to the humidifier, includes the following:

1. A giant box of tissues with lotion.

2. A bag of sugar-free cherry cough drops.

3. A bottle of saline nasal spray.

4. A tube of medicated lip balm.

5. A box of the most potent decongestant available over the counter. It's the kind from the locked cabinet at the pharmacy counter that you have to sign for because people make crystal meth from it. My philosophy about cold meds is that if it isn't harmful to pregnant women and I'm able to operate heavy machinery then it's no good. I want the hard stuff.

6. A plastic grocery sack filled with all my used tissues - I call it "the sad sack".

So today I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better and I'm learning to live without the humidifier (it broke anyway - I'm sure I wore the fucking thing out) and the meds (I ran out). I started back up again with my online class and found my way back to my blog.

That's all I have the strength for at the moment. Stay well and keep busy.

Love, Lady


SkylersDad said...

Welcome back lunch lady. The fact that you think Tyra is an ass makes me think there is still hope and we are not too late.

The question before us is how much Jack Daniels, er, cold medicine do we need to send? Costco can home deliver a pallet, will that get you by until we arrange that tanker truck?

Anonymous said...

Ugh, sickness is THE SUCKNESS! Stop that immediately.

I too get the decongestant from the "special" counter, except this is Canada and the special counter isn't that special as the stuff's still on the shelf for meth addicts and me alike. Hi Pseudoephedrine! It's getting harder to find you in meds but you're still there if we look hard enough. I love you pseudo. I love the way you allow me to breathe... And that you come in a sneaky generic form so I no longer have to buy fucking Claritin D (you pay extra for the D you know and I only am interested in the D) No other decongestant actually WORKS. SO I guess meth addicts might have terrible skin and unpleasant personalities but I bet they breathe just GREAT.

I'm sorry, was this about YOU?

Anonymous said...

I hope you feel better soon. I agree that Tyra's an ass. Will it help if I beat her up?

Frenchie said...

You gotta try what I take. It's an antioxidant called OPC-3. I started taking it two years ago and have only been sick once with a sinus infection. I used to get sick 3-4 times a year before, and needed antibiotics every time. Even Brian the skeptic now agrees that it works!! Here's the link if you're interested:

BeckEye said...

I called off sick today. I hear that Tyra Fever is going around. When you start acting crazy and smiling with your eyes, you know you have it.

WendyB said...

"A plastic grocery sack filled with all my used tissues - I call it "the sad sack"." -- I never knew there was a name for that thing! I've spent all too much time with one.

Michelle S. said...

If you start watching Maury Povich and yelling things like "Who's the daddy?!" at the tv set, let us know so we can intervene. Been there and it's not pretty. Hope you are feeling better soon!

Gwen said...

Aw, crap, boo! I'm sorry to hear this but if it makes you feel any better I came home early yesterday from work because I felt like ass (not the H1N1 kind, I hope) and I am still at home in my Hello Kitty pajamas. Misery loves company?

And you are TOTALLY right about Tyra. I have to watch ANTM but I fast-forward through her parts.

CDP said...

I hope you're 100% well and working very soon. I want to read stories about your perfectly dressed and coiffed self striding around an office like Rosalind Russell.

Renaissance Woman said...

Let me start off by saying sorry for not staying updated on your posts. Secondly...yucky flu hope you get healthy very, very soon. Try and just enjoy some down time because very soon you will have so many job offers and be so busy that you will miss these times.

Tara said...

Watch America's Funniest Home Videos, that might make you feel better. I watched a marathon of it last night and it was simple amusement.

I hope you feel better soon!

Rachel said...

Awww Lady. I should have called you to check up on you. I have been a bad, bad friend.

And I have some great stories to tell you from the online dating front. Oh My!

I am glad that you are starting to feel a smidge better and that you are kicking that hiney flu in it's ass (hehe)

Love ya!!!

Linka72 said...

I dunno Suze, that bitch Tyra looks like she can fight..but maybe we can hit her with a chair..

Churlita said...

I hope you feel better. I have to remember to ask for the stuff they make crystal meth out of next time. Since I was seems to be the meth capital, we should have plenty, right?