Congratulations, you're still in the running towards becoming America's Next Hot Mess

Forgive me Blogland for I have sinned. It has been 20 days since my last confession, I mean blog post. I have been a right mess and until recently was in no mood for much of anything other than playing endless games of Big Kahuna Reef (it's like Jewel Quest except with seashells and tikis) or watching endless amounts of mindless, syndicated television. Here are 2 important things that I have learned:

1. Tyra Banks is an ass.

2. I need the company of other human beings.

During the first couple of weeks in September I morphed into a weepy, be-sweatpantsed, mascara smeared, unemployed lady-blob.

Early last week I almost reached the tipping point and was moments away from an apathetic and joyless life consisting of eating all my food straight from a can and wearing nothing but mumus, but thanks to a kind email from Gwen with a picture of a kitty, the hope provided by an online Oracle class offered by my local community college, the company of my good friends Jogger and Ladette, and a well timed, real job opportunity I was able to start snapping out of it.

I shook out my pony tail, showered, got dressed again, and put on make up.

I started doing all those things that I had planned to do in order to take advantage of all the free time I had. I started making the bed every day. I finally took down and washed the living room curtains. I got my cholesterol checked (high, but not too bad) and made appointments for teeth cleaning and an eye exam. I even sucked it up and applied for unemployment (even though everyone kept telling me you can't get it when you were a temp, which turns out not to be true) and discovered that being on the dole isn't so bad.

Yes. This upswing lasted for about 4 days.

Just when things were looking up for me I was suddenly and violently shoved back into my sweatpants. I was struck back down into raccoon eyed, ponytail hell by what I can only assume was the flu. I don't know what kind of flu, but to please Gwen we'll call it the Heiney Flu (H1N1) although it could possibly simply be that it's a rotten head cold and I'm a big baby.

Anyhoo... What the hell man? This is like the 4th or 5th time I've been sick this year. Fuck. I like to think of myself as a hale and hearty type, but since last Tuesday I've been wallowing around in my jammies wheeling around a sickroom humidifier, that I rigged up on an office chair with a bath towel to catch any spills, with me from room to room. My glamorous entourage of late, in addition to the humidifier, includes the following:

1. A giant box of tissues with lotion.

2. A bag of sugar-free cherry cough drops.

3. A bottle of saline nasal spray.

4. A tube of medicated lip balm.

5. A box of the most potent decongestant available over the counter. It's the kind from the locked cabinet at the pharmacy counter that you have to sign for because people make crystal meth from it. My philosophy about cold meds is that if it isn't harmful to pregnant women and I'm able to operate heavy machinery then it's no good. I want the hard stuff.

6. A plastic grocery sack filled with all my used tissues - I call it "the sad sack".

So today I'm finally starting to feel a little bit better and I'm learning to live without the humidifier (it broke anyway - I'm sure I wore the fucking thing out) and the meds (I ran out). I started back up again with my online class and found my way back to my blog.

That's all I have the strength for at the moment. Stay well and keep busy.

Love, Lady

Because I Was Wrong and Turnabout Is Fair Play

Yesterday on kind of a whim and to very mixed reactions, I posted a picture I had found a long time ago. I can't remember what train of thought I was following, but I typed the word "ugly" in a Google Images search. I never looked at the web page upon which it was originally posted by someone else. It did occur to me that perhaps the original poster wasn't being very nice, since it was listed under "ugly".

The picture I posted is of a young woman with buck teeth, what appears to be a lazy eye and a sweet smile on her face, all dolled up for some kind of formal sorority type of yearbook photo. Her hair is piled high in a Loretta Lynn style swoopy bunned do, formal off the shoulder gown, big giant 80's era gold earrings and dark red lipstick. It was not the kind of photo I had been looking for, but I saved it anyway, because it made me smile and yes, giggle too.

The photo in question has been sitting in a photo file folder for about 5 months or so. I see it every time I scan through those pictures. Every time I see it, it makes me smile.

I don't smile at it because I think the young woman is ugly. I smile at it because she has a lot working against her and she made serious effort. The big hair with crooked bangs, the big gold earrings, bright red lipstick.

I smile at it because there are days when I feel so unattractive that I can barely get out of bed, let alone put on lipstick, fix my hair and feel beautiful enough to have my picture taken. Most of the time I walk around in life feeling pretty cute, but I'm still grounded enough in reality to know that I'll never make People Magazines list of beautiful people. I'm OK with that. But there are days...

Anyhoo...

An anonymous commenter left me this about it:

I didn't even notice her bangs. If the girl in the photo happens upon this blog she won't think you are making fun of her bangs either, but her unfortunate lazy eye that she can't do anything about. Jesus. You should post a current picture of yourself before you post pictures of strangers.

In my post I said that I didn't think the woman was ugly, because I don't. Nor did I mention anything about a lazy eye, which she may or may not actually have. I did mention that her bangs were noticeably crooked.

Anonymous is right though, I should post a current picture of myself before I post pictures of strangers. And here it is:

This is me - today - this morning as a matter of fact - after I first woke up and read the anonymous comment.

This is what I look like when I don't smile, have on no make up and have just rolled out of bed. I haven't had my tea yet either.

My hair is not half bad in this photo, but I promise you I haven't combed it. Besides if you saw it from the back you'd see that it's wrecked, but it's hard to take a picture from that angle so you'll have to take my word for it. I am fat as a goddamn bear, have blotchy skin, red rimmed sleep deprived eyes with unlovely bags under them. I'm also noticing for the first time today that my upper lip has disappeared and that my nose is oddly shaped.

I have taken yesterday's post down and will never put it up again. I had mixed feelings after posting it anyway, but I guess I was thinking that, well, I don't know what I was thinking.

I know I don't look very sorry in this photo, but trust me I really am..

Who knows, maybe somebody else will do a Google Images search for "ugly" and come across my picture here.

I'll tell you what Anonymous, it's awfully hard to push that publish button when it's a nasty picture of myself, but here goes...