Yesterday after my cheap shoe and personal care item shopping spree I finally had a chance to catch up with my best friend Amy - it was heaven. What with her busy schedule wrestling 2nd graders to the ground and my back pain and job related depression we haven't had much of a chance or been in much of a mood for our weekly standard (and trust me - necessary) 2 hour long, cackling sea hag phone conversations. In fact it had been weeks.
We had a lot of catching up to do - mainly her to me, because most of my activity lately involves being horizontal and moaning and not in a good way. Amy had not only been on spring break with her entire family, including her evil mother, at their family beach house in Charleston last week, but also had ended her trip early because her daughter Lil' Baby Lion (LBL) had to be back in town in time to officially become a Catholic.
Yes. Amy's ex-husband Assface had decided several months ago, from out of seemingly nowhere, that suddenly it was extremely important to him that LBL become Catholic and start going to church with him at the ripe old age of 13. Amy was surprised by this revelation, as during her entire 15 year relationship with Assface he had never once been to church or shown any interest in it. She consented however after discussing it with LBL who said she didn't give a crap one way or the other as long it would get her crazy-ass father off of her back about it. Lovely. I'm sure that's just how Jesus would want it.
Anyhoo... last weekend LBL was baptised, confirmed, and took her first communion, or as MDH put it, dunked, fed and slapped.
That's all well and good, but the real dirt was that LBL had begged poor Amy to please not leave her alone with Assface's entire family, who had come all the way from Vermont to witness the occasion.
So at the request of her daughter Amy went.
Amy took great pains to make sure that she looked like a million bucks. Blown out hair, impeccable makeup, fantastic ass-hugging outfit, high heels. The works. (You should know that normally Amy, although she is very cute, dresses like she just got out of bed; too big jeans, t-shirts that she caught from out of a cannon at a sporting event, sneakers, etc.) She said that nobody in Assface's entire family would even look at her, let alone talk to her, but it was fine because it gave her the opportunity to get her eyes full and report back to me about how crazy and horribly behaved they all are.
Best of all (to me) was that one of my more serious ex-boyfriends was there with his ugly ass wife so I got to hear all about how ugly she is and how fat and disgusting my ex-boyfriend has gotten. Just knowing that this ex-boyfriend is a good friend of Assface should tell you that he is an economy sized douche bag who was particularly cruel to me.
My favorite highlight of the event, as reported by Amy was a conversation that she had with the priest, Father Funk (no joke). At the end of the evening as she was saying her farewells (to those that would speak to her) she asked Father Funk if he was going back to Assfaces's place for a small gathering to which everyone but she had been invited.
His answer was surreal, as though he was some foppish-femme character in a movie from 1937, "No. I'm just going to go home and have a nice hot toddy", he pipped. To which Amy used every ounce of strength left in her body not to reply "Oh, you've got a boyfriend?"