Saturday, February 28, 2009

Ear Canal Diary

You should listen to me and take my advice at all times because I am always right. Even when I make shit up nine times out of ten it turns out I was right about whatever it was.

I am so always right that during some times of lean blog fodder the only things preventing me from turning this blog into an advice column are my overwhelming apathy and fear of success.

The one person who doesn't like to take my advice is the one person I desire the most to take my advice, my husband. The man has no hesitation about constantly asking me what he should do, but never seems to appreciate my always right answers and often ends up not only blatantly ignoring my advice but brazenly doing the extreme opposite of what I have so wisely advised him to do. It is maddening.

Case in point:

MDH got a wee bit of sea water trapped in his ear after swimming in the ocean while we were vacationing a couple of weeks ago. What should I do? It's driving me crazy, he whined as he waved a q-tip dramatically in the air.

"Well, the first thing you should do is put that q-tip down, and the last thing you should do is stick it in your ear."

"Why not?" he asked, as he proceeded to plunge the swab so deeply into his ear canal that I'm pretty sure I could see it's ochre tip poking out the other side of his head and then waggle it all around.

Had he waited a few seconds longer before choosing to dig at his own brain tissue with a cotton swab, I would have advised and willingly performed a simple ear lavage, whereby I heat up a little mixture of warm water and peroxide to remove the blockage of wax and subsequently the trapped sea water. Simple. Easy. All he would have had to do was lay still for a few minutes and enjoy my loving ministrations. Ass.

"You realize that you have now pushed all the wax in your ear that the water was trapped behind further into your noggin, right?" Ass.

"No, no. It's fine. It'll be fine. I've just got a little headache."

"There's some pain reliever in the bathroom."

"No, no. It's fine."

"Are you sure you don't want me to give you an ear lavage? I really don't mind."

"No, no. It's fine."

Well it wasn't fine. Ass. He continued to complain about the water sloshing around in his head and the resulting earache and loss of hearing. Throughout the rest of our trip I had to listen to him bitch and constantly clock himself on the side of the head and say "What? what?".

When we got home he arranged to go to the doctor during walk-in hours, waited for 2 hours to be seen, paid a $20 co-payment only to be told that he created a blockage by ramming the q-tip into his ear and to go home, mix some warm water with peroxide and pour it into his ear until the wax loosened. Ass.


CDP said...

Aaugh, my husband INSISTS on sticking qtips in his ear when he has water trapped, and I'm sure he's going to perforate his eardrum. They never listen.

Anonymous said...

Ah men. You gotta love their determination to always do things their own way.

WendyB said...

CDP, they CAN'T listen. They're deaf from other Q-tip incidents.

SkylersDad said...

I thought you were going to recommend placing an earwig into his ear and let it burrow through to the other side. That's what my loving wife would recommend for me!

SkylersDad said...

You gave me an idea for a post that I just put up, and I gave you some love!

boredmando said...

I do that with my mom, I always do the exact opposite that she tells me, and then I kick myself later.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like a scene that's been played around my place many times. What I wonder is, why do they bother asking us questions, if they're just going to ignore, or argue with, the answers?

Gwen said...

My favorite was when my husband would ask me advice and then verify it with someone else. Ass.

Dale said...

Next time you have to say "Do you have your wallet? We have to get you to a doctor right away!" to which he will say "Can't you just do that thing you do?" and you can let him think he's smart.

Frenchie said...

Nature Boy would've let you do the lavage. He's always seeking medical advice from me. I usually have nothing wise to say, however. I think we'll call you next time!

i am playing outside said...

even though i'm 21, sometimes when i go home to visit, i STILL get my mom to clean out my ears with peroxide just cuz i love the feeling so much.

rcubed said...

I don't even know you and I'm taking your advice. Giving myself a lavage right now. I had no idea the perils of qtips.

Candy's daily Dandy said...

Ummm...yeah. I know, I know.. Right on for, of course, being right on!

Anonymous said...

And yet I'm sure he will continue to not take your advice.

Good times, good times.

Anonymous said...

I think that's one of the reasons I got married. I love to say "ass".

Chris said...

I went to the doctor once and told them, "I can't hear out my left ear."

"What do you do for a living?"

"I play bass for a rock band."

"Here's a Q-Tip. Knock yourself out."

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - does he limit the q-tip use to just that situation or does he use them for cleaning too? Anyway... there are lots of jokes here about perforated ear drums and not listening - or at least just the one.

Silver - Howdy! I know. It wastes so much valuable time and energy when they don't do things my way (the right way) the first time.

Wendyb - there's the joke I was looking for.

Skydad - Dude there would be one very hungry bug. And thanks for the shout out - I'm all about love you know.

Bored - issues with your mother are a whole 'nother ball of ear wax, so to speak.

Kirb - that's the one million dollar question I guess. Maybe it's because in a marriage, you live in such tight mental quarters, asking your wife is more like asking yourself a question out loud. You don't really expect a valuable answer. Now I'm thinking about it too hard.

Gwen - At least with the advent of Google and Wikipedia men can now be discreet about such things.

Dale - I will bear that in mind the for next time and let you know how it pans out.

Frenchie - We can create an ignored advice husband swap where yours calls me for advice and mine calls you.

Player - refer to Boredmando above - first of all you are a darling and second taking or not taking advice (however lovingly or wickedly applied) from your mother is a completely different thing.

Rcubed - Smart girl!

Candy - Right on.

Catherinette - Dare to dream. Perhaps someday you too can marry and forever have all of your good advice ignored by the love of your life.

Suze - it's the best word ever.

Chris - wow - he didn't give you the schpiel about how you should never stick anything in your ear but your elbow?

Renaissance Woman said...

You are RIGHT and he was soooo WRONG! That must feel great to say constantly...and even better knowing that he can hear it clearly.

Coaster Punchman said...

I for one would welcome an ear lavage from you, any time. And I don't mean that to sound dirty; I just like having my ears tended to by trained professionals. Which is what I deem you to be from here on in, and not just about ear lavage.