Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Blobby, Misshapened Freak Puffs

I really hate it when MDH goes to bed before me.

Oh I realize that MDH is a grown ass man, who can make decisions for himself and frankly do pretty much whatever the fuck he wants, up to and including going to bed at whatever time he damn well pleases... but still, it bugs the shit out of me when he goes to bed before I'm ready. I like us to go to bed at the same time. That's how we usually do it.

Actually I like to get up there just a scant few minutes before he does. I turn on the over head light and then turn on our individual bedside lamps and then go back and turn off the overhead light. If it's a day that I haven't made the bed then I'll take a moment to straighten out the sheets, fluff up the pillows and even up the blanket distribution. Nobody asks me to do this, it's just nice, so I do it.

On nights when MDH goes to bed before me he just plops his ass right into the bed. Plop.

There is no preparation.

There is no consideration.

He doesn't turn the light on for me or fluff up or straighten anything. This is leading me to think that perhaps I should stop going up there before him and preparing things for us, because obviously he doesn't appreciate it. Perhaps maybe he's never even noticed that I do all that nice stuff at all. And if he doesn't notice or appreciate it then why should I continue to do it?

Here is why I will continue to do it... because it's much easier than the alternative, which I will now describe:

When I'm ready to go to bed I arrive upstairs to a very, very dark bedroom. You see, we now live on the surface of the sun* and have installed both blinds and blackout curtains over the windows in order to keep our bedroom from becoming a pizza oven and that we not burn to death.

We're talking dangerous dark, like smash your face into a door frame and stub your toe and scream in blood curdling pain kind of dark, so I like to flip on the overhead light before I walk over to my side of the bed to turn on my bedside lamp. The flipping on of the overhead light causes MDH wake up slightly and moan in agony at the bright light in his face.

He does this even without the overhead light, after I have groped my way slowly across the room. The instant I snap on my bedside lamp the moaning and whining begins.

It is at this point, when the light comes on that I notice the complete fucked-up-ed-ness of the pillows and covers. Basically, he is spread eagled in the middle of the bed, somehow clutching every corner of the blanket and now untucked sheets and desperately clinging to my pillows** like a drowning man to a life raft.

You sleeping motherfucker.

Now is the time that I must attempt to shove him back over to his side of the bed (an enormous king-sized bed, mind you) whilst simultaneously prying him loose from my pillows and unclenching the blankets*** and sheets from his grasp. He is a large, large man, who all the while is whining and groaning like a large, large infant and I want to bash his head in.

My research concludes that the length of time that has passed between when he chose to go to bed and when I chose to join him there is directly proportionate to the degree to which the bed is fucked up and decibel of sleepy whining and moaning that occurs.

UPDATE: As Veg so rightly pointed out in the comments, having a made bed beforehand actually prevents this particular rage of mine from occcuring. Yesterday I did not make the bed. So I am most definitely, at least partly to blame.

I'd also like to just make sure we all understand that the going to bed at different times and MDH whining and hogging all of the bedding is actually a pretty rare thing around here. The bed is usually made and we usually go to bed at the same time. Yesterday was a rare non-made bed day and an even more rare unbalanced bedtimes. Rare as it is, apparently it still makes me fly into a fit.


**I am a diva and I have 4 pillows and I use them all. Furthermore, they are not just any pillows, they cost ... well never mind how much they cost... they are fancy pants, extra firm goose down pillows. They are glorious and they are mine(!). The reason I have 4 is because I originally bought 2 for me and 2 for MDH, but he balked at the price and insisted he didn't like them. I told him fine, go pick out your own damn pillows. So he went to K-Mart and picked out his own from the $5 bin, and was rather smug about it. I now use all 4 of the fancy pants pillows. I make myself a little nest and it's wonderful. I sleep like an angel. Anyhoo... MDH prefers to use the $5 foam poly pillows that are so stiff they could stand up by themselves if they weren't so misshapen due to their being made from a horrible space age polymer by 3 year old Sri-Lankans. They're like... old beat up sofa cushions jammed into 600 thread count pillowcases. It's weird, and yet MDH refuses to acknowledge the clear and marked difference between the obvious quality of my lush and pliable goose down dream givers and his blobby, misshapen freak puffs. He even talks smack about my pillows and yet I have busted him multiple times hogging them when I have failed to separate them on the bed properly.

***You are correct, we don't have need of a lot of blankets on the surface of the sun. This summer we are only using one light weight quilt, but it is still of the utmost importance that it remain evenly distributed on the bed and not be hogged.


The Vegetable Assassin said...

Here's a little thought for you, Lady. :) Maybe straighten the bed IN THE MORNING then it wouldn't matter, no? Duh!

Still, he's a man therefore we'll side with you and growl and say 'Damn men with their never straightening up ways!' Ok?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Veg - Thanks for the tip and you are absolutely correct. Most days I actually DO make the bed, as we have a pretty strict he or she who gets out of bed last makes the bed policy here - and that is typically me. So it doesn't happen ALL the time that he's spread eagled and abusing his pillow and blanket privileges - but when he does it's frustrating enough that last night I sat down and wrote about it.
FYI the bed is made this morning - all pillows in their correct positions.

SkylersDad said...

As a man I feel very qualified in letting you know that he does not notice your fluffing and straightening. He probably wouldn't notice if you repainted and moved the left wall out 15 more feet. It is how we are wired.

Linka72 said...

"You sleeping motherfucker"..I'll have you know that after reading this,I scream-laughed on my first day back to work after my surgery and now everybody thinks I am having pain from said surgery..this is actually kind of a blessing because I love to be babied.
Oh, and I plan on calling my husband a "sleeping motherfucker" for the rest of the week..THANKS ha

Anonymous said...

Sleeping mofo. I like it.

Michelle S said...

LOL...I have flashlights of different sizes in different parts of the room exactly because my hubby can't bear ANY light when he's sleeping, and yes, it's a pain! We try to go to bed at the same time too, but when he goes first, the flashlights come on!

Frenchie said...

I'm just getting back into reading your stuff.....sorry girl! Been busy since going back to work. LOVE IT! We gotta come visit you guys!

Coaster Punchman said...

Oh my god, I can so relate to this. I'll take it a step further though and tell you that I insist on going to bed *before *PG. He snores and generally makes a lot of noise and rucus, and if we go to bed at the same time he is asleep and making noise in about 5minutes. Which means I will usually lie there half the night without sleeping a wink. If I go bed and fall alseep first, thought, everything is fine.

This leads me to act like a royal bitch if he ever dares try to come to bed with me. And on nights that he actually goes to bed first, I often will not even try, and will go directly to the guest room. Not that you asked me any of this, but since you brought it up....