The title of this post is actually the description in our cable TV listing of one episode of a series I have never watched, and likely never will, called My Crazy Addiction or some such, but for some reason, when I came across the phrase it struck a chord.
Oh, don't you worry about me! Although I am still jobless, bored and lonely, and now have the added benefit of being in a strange city where I don't know anyone but my husband and my OBGYN (my new BFF), I'm not currently wearing a diaper or eating dryer sheets for jollies, but sometimes I feel I might snap and these are areas of madness I fear I might wander into. Probably not. I can't even watch a show about it, so I feel I'm pretty safe.
Anyhoo... I have some questions about this particular episode of the program. Mind you, I don't feel strongly enough about my questions to actually watch the program, so I decided to type it all out and throw it out into the ether and see how she flies.
First of all I have to make many assumptions by choosing to not actually watch the show, like for instance I assume that I'm deriving for more joy from the program by merely wondering what the fuck is up with these people than I would by actually watching the show and finding out for sure what the fuck is up with these people.
Conveniently, that point brings me to the next assumption, because when I say "these people", I am assuming the program is about two separate people, one a diaper wearer and one a dryer sheet eater. Also, grammatically speaking, the slash helps along that theory. Although I've been known to simultaneously abuse and neglect my comma privileges in my own writing I will assume if the show is about one person who has the duel misfortune of being both addicted to wearing diapers and snacking on Bounce there would be a comma and not a slash. I hope to high heaven it's not the same person.
I also assume, as mentioned above, that these people are getting some kind of jollies from respectively, hopefully separately, wearing diapers and eating dryer sheets. I mean, there wouldn't be much of show if the person wearing diapers had to wear them due to some physical problem involving incontinence, or being a toddler. That would just be cruel, so I assume they are choosing this... um... diaper wearing lifestyle.
Unlike wearing a diaper, in my mind it's a no brainer to assume that the person eating dryer sheets is doing so of their own free will, since unlike wearing a diaper there is not a physical, bodily reason a person would need to cram a dryer sheet into their pie hole (typically meant for PIE!) and chow down.
The next assumption is a little more serious. I'm going to assume that there is some portion of the population who does not appear on this program, who are suffering in silence with their own weird addiction. They are watching this show and thinking, "I am am not alone!", and subsequently finding some comfort in that, and maybe even as a direct result of this epiphany deciding to seek help.
My last assumption is tied pretty tightly to the previous assumption. Because I need to continue to believe in the greater good in humanity, I'm going to assume that at some point during the course of this program there is some kind of intervention involving psychiatric evaluations and therapy and that these poor people are setting on a course to getting some real help.
So those are my assumptions. Here are my questions:
1. Are the diapers disposable or cloth? I am a terrible person because I find myself secretly hoping they are disposable because although cloth diapers are environmentally friendly and all, disposable diapers make a little crunch-crunch noise and I find that hilarious.
2. Is the diaper wearer actually shitting him or her self? That sounds damn uncomfortable.
(Oopsie! I before I type the next question I have to add in the assumption that the diaper wearer is single! What better way to keep an intimate relationship at bay, right?)
2.a. If the diaper wearer is shitting him or her self, does that person have a roommate? If so, I would be far more interested in a show about the diaper wearers roommate*.
3. Are the dryer sheets scented or unscented? Unlike the diaper question I have no leanings for the answer one way or the other, but I do feel that chewing on an unscented dryer sheet would be my personal preference, as I perceive the scented ones probably just taste like soap.
4. Who is watching this show and do they come away from their viewing experience enlightened or ashamed?
*Even if the diaper wearer isn't shitting in the diaper it would still be interesting to get the roommates take on whether or not they know they live with a diaper wearer. Like my roommate is so weird, why does he/she always make a crunch-crunch noise when he/she walks or sits down? I assume if the diaper wearer is actually shitting in the diaper then the roommate most likely knows about the diapers.
Now, if the diaper wear is only pissing in the diaper, then that's a whole 'nother blog post for me and I'm done with this topic, so it'll be have to be left for the sages to ponder.