Tuesday, February 15, 2011

How to Tell If A Movie Will Suck

Yes, I'm really going to totally ignore the fact that I haven't posted on this blog for 4 months and hop right in to what I hope will be a riveting entry for all 8 of you out there who still keep popping in from time to time. Surprise for you, eh? You've been checking in faithfully and disappointed for so long and lo and behold today is your day. A new fucking post. Just for you. Seriously. It's just for you, you're the only one left still visiting.

It being awards season and the Oscar's fast upon us, I have been thinking about movies a lot lately and then this post was inspired when I saw a horrible and rather sad commericial for the new movie with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston in it. Here goes:

Here’s how I decide based television commercials, whether or not I think I movie is going to suck donkey balls.

1. The movie stars, Adam Sandler*, Tim Alan**, John Travolta***, Robin Williams**** or Tom Cruise*****. Or any combination of those five people. My advice? Don’t waste your money to see this first run in a theater. Wait until 5 or 6 years from now and see it on a night when you happen to be hammered, high, unable to sleep or any combination of those 3 things, and it happens to be on TBS during a time when it happens that you cannot find the remote and are unable to change the channel, so technically it is the only thing on TV. Or… you could get your lazy ass up off the sofa, walk across the room and turn off the goddamn TV using a combination of your index finger and the power button, since the only thing on is this shitty movie with badly dubbed out curse words on TBS, who seem to have a knack for cutting to commercial in the middle of a goddamn sentence or constantly throwing animated graphics advertising some shitty Tyler Perry produced sit-com that take up the entire fucking screen and have just covered up the fucking subtitles I was trying to read. Motherfucking TBS. Motherfucking subtitles. Motherfucking Tyler Perry. What was I talking about?

2. The commercial starts off with the words “Critics are raving!” and then the screen is peppered with ambiguous, one word quotes in tiny lettering that could be construed in many ways (“Unbelievable!”, “Powerful!”, “Hypnotic!”) jump quickly on and off the screen like tiny fleas, by movie critics no one has ever heard of from publications that can’t possibly be real. Yeah – this one is probably sucking pretty hard.

3. The commercial shows as many quick edited crotch hits, cleavage shots and plot irrelevant shenanigans as possible (fart noises, yowling cats, growling dogs, close ups of crying baby faces, references to vaginas, penises or poop). The absence of any information hinting at any kind of critical review is palpable and only made more so by the tagline at the end that says “Now Playing Everywhere!” which is either the only positive sounding thing that can be said for the film or perhaps it’s actually a cryptic warning or cry for help. It’s playing. Everywhere. Be careful.

*I like Adam Sandler and think his movies often have pretty funny things going on in them, but that doesn’t mean that his movies don’t suck. I often put his movies in the category of “sucks but will probably see it anyway on DVD”.

**Tim Allen gets a gimme for being the voice of Buzz Lightyear, but otherwise I can’t think of one thing I have ever seen him in that was funny to me at all. I think he’s a hack – sue me.

***I know, I know, everyone loves John Fucking Travolta, and he also gets a gimme for Pulp Fiction, but what have you done for us lately John Travolta? I’m sure he’s a lovely human soul, but he irritates me with his stupid giant plane and his poor movie role choices. Outside of Pulp Fiction (and Get Shorty) his movies smack of desperation to me and I always envision him in that stupid get up he wore in the L.Ron Hubbard movie. If that’s not enough for me to find his movies lame I have two words for you – Old Dogs.

****I almost feel bad about this one, cause I really do love Robin Williams, nanoo, nanoo and all that, but his roles in the past 10 years have been so hit or miss that I choose miss most of the time, unless I hear otherwise good reviews. And do I have to say it again? Old Dogs.

*****If it stars Tom Cruise I refuse to see it at all (almost ever). Below is an alphabetical listing (it’s short) of the people for which I have longstanding boycotts of their bodies of work:

1. Tom Arnold – I think he might be mildly retarded and only sometimes funny by accident. More often I think he’s an untalented, pompous boob. But whatever. He’s so seldom in anything I’m remotely interested in that my hatred of his stupid face is really a non issue.

2. Tom Cruise – I’m not sure he’s fully human. I think he’s an overblown, pompous asshole. Even though he’s managed to weasel himself into cameos in a couple of movies I have seen in the last 10 years or so, and therefore subjected me to accidentally having to see him once or twice, I still cannot honestly say that the last movie I saw him in was A Few Good Men. However, I CAN say that I have not chosen to see him intentionally in anything since The Firm, except A Few Good Men and that was only because my friend Dan had free tickets for a sneak preview, which, by the way, we both thought sucked donkey balls, even though the commercials claimed that real critics, that people had actually heard of, were raving. We were appalled when it was nominated for an Oscar for best film and relieved when it didn’t win. Anyhoo… these days he really only ever does about one film a year – so my hatred of him is no biggie and my purposeful avoidance of seeing him is easily maintained.


WendyB said...

You're BACK!?!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Beautiful WendyB!!
I'm only back in as much as suddenly today I was struck with a powerful desire to write something and share it with others. It rarely happens these days.

I'm so pleased that you checked in - you've made my day.

SkylersDad said...

The only thing I liked Tim Allen in was Galaxy Quest.

And welcome back!

Coaster Punchman said...

Ok, will it creep you out that I, as a big fag, am in love with you? Will your husband come hunt me down?

I too have about 3 readers left, but thank God for this new blogger format (yeah, new for about 3 years now) where the latest posts go to the top of your link list so at least you know who's currently writing.

You are so fucking funny I have an urge to go back and stalk your archives. And that is a scary proposition coming from me.

Oh, and easy on the use of the term "mildly retarded." That's what people call me and I can't be, won't be put in the same category as that no talent hack Arnold.

i am playing outside said...

i'm still here, thanks to the magic of Google Reader!

and quite frankly, i agree with EVERY word you just wrote. although i notice you didn't lambaste Will Ferrell in any way. Please dislike him with me.

Marie said...

I'm here too. And I hate them all too. 'cept John Fucking Travolta looked like he was having fun in Hairspray.

BeckEye said...

It's like you came back JUST to wound me.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - OK - you're right Galaxy Quest was funny. And thanks!

Coaster - Baby I love you bunches too! I'm flattered as hell I think I would rather be called "fucking funny" above all other compliments. I am planning to spend tomorrow night over at your place, getting reaquainted. Please feel free to stalk my archives (sounds dirtier when you say it) I do it all the time.

Player! - Will Ferrell- the problem there is that even though I don't necessariy see his movies -reluctantly, I think he's kind of brilliant - there, I've said it.
All I can offer you is this - see the movie Stepbrothers - do it. It's incredibly stupid - but also laugh out loud funny.

Marie! - thanks for sticking with me - now start a blog and at least fill out a profile so I will know who the heck you are.

Beckyeye - I was afraid of this. Dammit. So - I will say one nice thing about John Travolta to appease you - waiting.... it'll come... almost there... he uh... was great in that movie Blow Out.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dude, yes! Oh god yes. I agree with all. I always laugh at movie commercials, especially ones I know have already been panned by actual critics but that still claim 'CRITICS ARE RAVING...' Sure they are. If the "critics" are the director and his MOM. And like you said it's always some critic in some small town newspaper no one's heard of and that makes me cackle with delight.

Also, the theaters couldn't pay ME to go see a movie with Robin Williams in it. If someone forced me I'd probably have to smuggle a gun in so I could shoot myself the first time he talked in a stupid voice which might be about three seconds in.

LegalMist said...

Good tips, all!

Karen Martin Sampson said...

I think you stopped blogging right after I started following you. I hope it wasn't something I said...or didn't say...

Coaster Punchman said...

Hey, long time no talk! On the off chance that you haven't lost complete interest by now, I have FINISHED my series on Melissa Gilbert which had kept you in suspense once upon a time. It is running every day for 9 days, starting over with installment #1 (today.) Hope to see you over there! (I hate Facebook.)

Michelle said...

Thanks for that...agree agree agree! Tom Cruise especially puts me in a rage. I love that even though I don't "check in" very often, when I do you just happened to put up a new post! Funny as hell as usual

oompah-ma said...

Hey, I just came across your blog today after googling "how to kill an hour" (because that's about how much longer I wanted to stay at work today) and your "how to kill an hour or twelve" came up. And I think you're pretty fucking funny too!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Veg - The only movie I can say I really loved Robin Williams in was Awakenings, in which he couldn't have been less like his normal self - thank you it's called acting - he should look into it more often.

Legs - thanks for visiting my blog!

Karen - you should totally take that personally.

Coaster - I stood you up and I apologize. I'm heading over to your place right now, like to-day. I have absolutely not lost interest in your fascinating stories of brushes with greatness.
I don't run into too many celebs or the people who work for them here in the Tundra as you can imagine.

Yeah Michelle - glad to know you're still sporting around out there!

Oomph - thanks for stopping by! Glad you stuck around for more.

Linka72 said...

SQUEEEEE! You're back!! I ha ha-ed way out loud when I read your comment on my last lame-ass post. Thanks for stopping by and bless your heart for responding to comments..i am far too lazy to do that as you can tell.
I SO missed your opinions..I was starting to think that I was the only person who felt that way about Travolta aka Bad Weave.

Churlita said...

I graduated from high school with Tom Arnold's sister and as far as I can see, the whole family is shallow and not very smart.

dmarks said...

And Williams was in Jumanji.

I liked the elephant sitting on the cop car, but that was about it.