Monday, January 4, 2010

Life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter

There isn't much to report but today I'm compelled to write a blog post anyway so what you're probably going to get is a rambler. I'm just going to keep typing and see what shakes out. I'm pretty sure that bullet points and blurting out whatever comes to your stupid mind are how Byron and Tennyson and did it.

Let's see... it's kind of late for all the happy new year well wishing stuff (consider yourselves well wished) and I wouldn't share with you my list of resolutions because I don't make new year's resolutions. I'm patently opposed to them, although for some reason I seem to come up with all of my brightest ideas to incorporate big changes and/or improvements to my life in early January. I keep these to myself until mid-February or so... just so they are not mistaken for new year's resolutions.

One of my bright ideas for life style improvements that I will not be implementing officially until mid-February, and is most certainly not a new years resolution, is the need to incorporate more exercise into my daily routine. I have recently been toying with the idea of rejoining my old gym and I just can't bring myself to do it. Not in January. What is more pathetic than a middle aged fat chick joining a gym in January? I guess maybe a fat chick never joining a gym at all, but still. Or now that I think of it, more pathetic than that is the fat chick who joins the gym in January and then stops going in early February and yet continues to pay for that shit well into the next year. Especially more pathetic when said fat chick already owns enough gym equipment to train the US Olympic.... um what? I was going to say women's basketball team or something like that just to be silly, but after taking a quick mental inventory I've realized that I probably realistically could train the curling team right here in my very own home. Have you seen those guys? What could they possibly need that I don't have in my basement this very minute. I'm pretty sure I have all the necessary equipment, which is to say a treadmill, two stationary bikes, a set of 3 pound weights (pink ones) and an industrial size push broom. Something to think about...

But enough about my semi-real plans to coach Olympic curling...

What else is new? Did I ever tell you about my best friend Amy's stalker? It's her ex-boyfriend from forever ago, blah, blah, blah. It's kind of old news. He's deranged and he lives in Los Angeles and for some reason is still upset about the fact that she broke up with him well over 15 years ago. Now that's a grudge. Anyhoo... he's just your average psycho ex-boyfriend stalker sending threatening emails and such. Amy has a restraining order and followed all the proper channels. Yawns all round. But what is very interesting and exciting news is that Amy's stalker must have gotten bored of her ignoring him and has recently been stalking and making prank phone calls and sending threatening emails to her ex-husband Assface. Saying all kinds of lovely, obscene things about Amy to him. It's delicious and not just because it makes Assface so very angry, but also because Assface doesn't have the same amount of common sense that God gave to hamsters and refuses to hang up the phone or put the stalker on his block-senders list. He listens and reads and sets himself up for a right huge hissy fit every time. Funny.

I think there is no better way to end a shitty rambling post like this one than with bullet points detailing the highlights of our trip to Columbus to celebrate New Year's Eve:

  • Dinner at the swanky restaurant was a bust. It was a four course prix-fixe menu which at $45 per person seems very reasonable, but the food kind of sucked. We would have been better off to rent a room at Claddaugh and doused ourselves in beer and corned beef.

  • Alas before Frenchie had the chance to get drunk enough to pass out while sitting up she and Nature Boy got a call from the sitter that their son young Jimmy Neutron was sick and they had to leave the festivities early. Bummer.

  • The rest of us were able to rally until midnight and watch the ball drop with what remains of Dick Clark. Guilty laughter filled the room as Amy dared to say what we were all thinking - he looks a bit like Cha-ka from Land of the Lost. I'm not saying that he should be hidden away. Why should he? You go Dick! I admire his bravery and fuck it - he owns the goddamn show and he can host if he wants. More power to him. But how about some fucking subtitles? Nobody could understand a goddamn thing he was saying. I take that back. Seacrest and Clark were like psychic friends, simpatico, slurred speech and drowned out by a crowd of thousands cheering in the background, Seacrest seemed to understand every word:

    Clark: Aahhh mahh gah heeba Ryah!
    Seacrest: That's right Dick.

  • I might be a terrible person.

  • Fuck it. Dick Clark had a stroke and his face looks funny and it's hard to understand him. Big deal. Host the show my old friend, but maybe have someone smarter than Ryan Seacrest translate for us.

  • I spent New Year's Day with 2 of my very best friends in the world, Amy and Dan. We went to see Avatar, but not in 3D for fear that I would get motion sickness and throw up as I have been known to do when I get caught up too tightly in the action.

    In the middle of the movie I had a full on, nearly peed my pants, silent laughing jag when Dan came back from his second trip to the bathroom during the film and whispered to me, "I've been to the bathroom twice during this film and just now realized that both times I was in the women's bathroom."

    Apparently he just thought it was one of those really nice, all stall men's restrooms. Sure.

  • My new favorite breakfast food in the whole wide world is pho and my favorite place to get it is here. We stopped by on our way out of town where I quickly slurped it down and then grabbed a bahn-mi to go for my lunch later on. Who knew that the girl who never even tried canned tuna fish until she was 20 would love Vietnamese?

That's all I've got. You still there? Thanks for sticking with me.


Vegetable Assassin said...

YES! Dick Clark God bless his squinty little face he's a trouper but really, maybe he should just attempt a smile and wave and let someone else do the talking. Maybe he is just reminding people he's still alive. Like a big, deformed "FUCK YOU WORLD!"

Also, I am so happy someone else throws up in movies. I am terrible for the movie sickness. Usually I have to go clutch the bathroom sink for ten minutes till I stop looking like Kermit the Frog. My new method of coping is to look at my feet every few minutes for five seconds to stabilize my mind (at least in a motion sense!) That seems to help. Well except that one time at IMAX in Glasgow a few Christmases ago where it didn't seem to matter what direction I looked in all I could see was screen. URGH!

SkylersDad said...

I saw a couple of videos of this years Dick Clark performance.

Oh holy shit...

He should really just turn over the reins, and go do something else like make money for stroke awareness or some other shit.

On the subject of womens restrooms, I made a wrong turn and figured it out not after the all-stall clue, or the couch sitting there, oh no. Not me. I am such a wiley Sherlock that it finally hit me when I was staring face to face with the "pad dispenser"

rcubed said...

This whole post cracked me up--hamsters, dick clark...
I can definitely relate to thinking about joining a gym but not actually doing it. First I was going to wait until I lost weight, (after the fudge season which really runs through February). By then the weather will be improving so do I really want to be in a gym in the Spring?
I could do this all year long.
great post.

BeckEye said...

I feel so bad for Dick Clark. I think it just makes people uncomfortable to see other people with physical limitations because it reminds them of their own mortality and how easily that could be them one day, so they laugh and make fun. There's no reason he should quit hanging out on his own show unless he feels like he can't or doesn't want to do it anymore.

Jesus, what was my resolution, to be a damn social worker?

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Veg - the worst was probably the Blair Witch Project and after that epic puke-fest I stopped watching movies filmed that way altogether. It's a curse.

Skydad - For me it wasn't so much the fact that he went to the ladies, it was that he went to the ladies twice.

Rcubed - I am expert at talking myself out of pretty much anything, times 100 if it's something I don't want to do in the first place, like exercise. Did you say fudge?

Beckeye - I agree - he should keep doing it as long as he wants - when Amy said what she said about Cha-ka and we all had a big laugh it was weird - like we were all relieved that somebody finally said it and then we were all able to move on and make fun of Ryan Seacrest like we should have been doing in the first place.

Tara said...

You could always buy a Wii Fit Plus (or if you don't have the Wii, you should get that first). I love it, it's fun. Plus, if you get sick of the yoga and strength training that's on there, you can also play a game or 7 of snow ball fighting. It's so much fun to see a Wii character hit the ground after a snowball to the face.

Anonymous said...

Well, call me a terrible person, too, because your description of Seacrest translating for Dick Clark had me laughing. Do they serve pho in hell? I hope so.

CDP said...

I've had pho for breakfast, too! It's especially good if you had too much to drink the night before.

WendyB said...

I nearly wet myself about the ladies' room story!

i am playing outside said...

woah, it got all classy up in here! pretty!

my new year's eve was pretty great. i'm sure you read all about it on my blog. right? well my comment stems from your little tale of the prix-fixe menu. NYE was the first night this phrase ever came into my vocabulary, as it was the first time i've ever gone somewhere nice enough to see the word. that's sad. but it was a wonderful dinner and night, with amazing friends.

and no, i did not end up ordering the prix-fixe dinner. i worked in a restaurant, and have learned that specials are never that good, because the cooks aren't used to making them.

Linka72 said...

sigh..I swear..I fuckin love you. The Dick Clark thing has been botherin me for fuckin EVER!! and I'm so glad I'm not the only one thinking it..ABC should be ashamed of themselves for dragging that poor man out into the cold every year..HA
Oh..we have some fresh hell called Martinis and Imax here, I had to talk my drunk self "off the legde" so I wouldn't yak all over my new dress.

Gwen said...

1. Please don't slam bullet-point posts. After not posting for almost a month now I was considering it.
2. We had a similar conversation about DC but w/o the hilarious and clever Chaka reference. You guys are much funnier than us guys. We concluded by deciding that since he OWNS the show he can do whatever the eff he wants.
3. I LOVE VIETNAMESE FOOD! My favorite is bun - a warm, yummy dish with cilantro and carrots and rice noodles. Mmmmmm, bunnnn.
4. Love ya!

Frenchie said...

Boo hoo! BOO HOO! I would've loved to be there for the Clarkfest! :-(

Well, next year should prove to be even better if Dick Clark's still around! We'll be there!

Churlita said...

It sounds like you had a hilarious New Year. That's the best way to roll them in. I wonder if my life would be better or worse if I had Ryan Seacrest around to translate for me?