Thursday, January 7, 2010

Because I'm Better Than You, That's Why

Sometimes, sometimes I don't wash my hands in public restrooms. Now you know. Don't hate me though. Keep reading. I have my reasons and alternative solutions. I feel a little bit funny about it when I don't, but then I think it's probably OK because typically I don't have to touch my lady junk directly, so to speak, and I don't pee on my hands when I'm using a public toilet (or anywhere else for that matter, at least not on purpose - I felt I must clarify for those of you smarty pant-ses out there) and since it's not physically (it's really a mental block) possible* for me to poop in a public restroom the difficulties that might sometimes arise in cleaning up after that simply don't come up.

Now that I've gotten that important announcement out of the way I'd like to say that what I worry about more than sometimes leaving the ladies room without washing my hands is that sometimes other public women's room patrons (see bullet points of previous post below mentioning my friend Dan's extensive, habitual use of women's restrooms - we don't want to be politically incorrect and assume that all women's room patrons are necessarily women now do we?) seem to notice that I haven't washed my hands and when they do they give me the hairy eyeball, or at least I perceive that they do and this post is my way of giving an explanation. You see most times I do wash my hands in public restrooms provided that the circumstances are such that:

A. There is an option for warm water to be dispensed from the tap. When you live in colder climes having the water blast from the tap at minus ice balls degrees is both a blessing and a curse. A blessing when you'd like a nice cold glass of water to drink and a curse when you would like to wash your hands after using a public toilet and discover the water is not only coming out of the tap freezing cold enough to stop your fucking heart, but also that there is really no option to warm that shit up. Oh sure the tap has an "H" on it indicating that hot water might be available if only you wait long enough, but some middle management penny pinching asshole has turned the hot water off and you are only kidding yourself that it will ever warm up. Not to make a pun, but hell will freeze over first before that water heats up. The hot water is a ruse. I'm not washing my hands here.

B. There is a paper towel option for drying my hands. Those air dryers are for suckers. It takes a year and a day to make any progress and I've got places to go and people to do. The air dryer fritters away my life and I haven't got time for that shit. Half the time when I do consent to using the air dryer the air blowing out is just as freezing cold as the tap water and/or I end up frustrated and drying my hands on my pants or desperately going back into a stall and dabbing at my hands with toilet tissue to dry them. Either way it ends in tears.

C. Please don't even get me started on the cloth diaper towel dispenser type of hand dryer that just spins and spins in filthy, germy circles. I have never in all my travels encountered one of those contraptions that wasn't brownish-yellow and dripping wet with ladies room cooties. No thank you. Even if I had whizzed all over myself why would I wash up and then dry off with that gross spinny diaper towel.

D. The absence of miscellaneous other minor gross outs and inconveniences including but not necessarily limited to:

No soap. No towels. Broken hand dryer. Bathroom filthy in general. Sink clogged with tissues or paper towels. Puddles of water (I hope it's water) on the counter and no place to lean without touching it. Not enough sinks and/or towel dispensers thus causing me to have to wait in line to wash my hands or stand dripping waiting to dry them afterwards. Unable to make the appropriate Ninja moves or otherwise psychically connect with the automatic laser tap/laser soap/laser towel in such a way that causes the laser dispenser to hook me up with the necessary hand washing supplies to make it happen (I'm performing freaking Tai-Chi in a mirror front of ten strangers who are waiting to use the facilities after me and nothing is happening).

So in closing the main reason I don't wash my hands in public restrooms is because I'm a germophobe. Would you like another helping of crazy?

If it makes you feel any better or at least less inclined to hit me with the stink eye, rest assured I usually carry disinfectant wipes in my purse that I employ just in case of such emergencies as not being fully satisfied with the cleanliness of the facilities at hand. I'm not going to pee, leave the rest room without washing my hands and then run off and make you or anyone else a sandwich. It's cool, don't worry about it.

*For those of you that may have been reading my blog for a long time you might remember** that I have previously mentioned being able to poop anywhere. That used to be true but is not anymore. At one point when I was living my life on the road (anyone seen the movie Up In the Air yet?) I adapted my body so that I could poop or sleep anywhere*** and under any conditions.

**It's kinda creepy that you remembered that Dude.

***Anywhere indoors. I have always and probably will always**** be unable to sleep or poop out of doors.

****OK. Like maybe if end of days came and everything was destroyed and I was left here with no running water (how will I make my tea?) and only pine needles for a bed, because I can guaran-fucking-tee you that I will not be called up to Jesus when the rapture comes. When that happens, that's when I'll poop outside.


Renaissance Woman said...

I laughed so hard because I often walk out without washing my hands. For all of the same reasons. Yucky diaper towel thing! But...I like you always carry hand sanitizer! Thank goodness for that little gift.

BeckEye said...

I can NOT leave the bathroom without washing my hands. Do you know the reason that you're supposed to wash your hands is not because of their proximity to your lady parts, but because debris flies out of the toilet when you flush? Not that that makes me feel any better, because now I just always imagine that I have toilet debris in my hair and all over my clothes all day. We should really be getting full showers after each trip to the toilet.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Ren - Sometimes I look around and just walk out without going to the bathroom at all. It's a problem.

Beckeye - Oh man! Now you've gone and done it. So now I'm thinking of all the trouble I'll have to go through with the laser sinks and stupid air dryers after I wash my entire body. Sick. I'm just going to have a catheter installed on my body and be done with it.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Or wear one of those white Haz-mat suits in there.

SkylersDad said...

4 years of swabbing toilets in the Navy cured me of any sort of issues I may have had with germs. I am now like that Bear guy in the survivor show and can root around through anthills covered in poop with my hands.

I often wanted to take apart one of those continuous rolling towel machines to find out what magic there was inside they manufacturer thought cleaned the towel.

SkylersDad said...

You also reminded me of this joke:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it; however, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?"

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Skydad - Yeah - a bonus! I love it - I can't tell a joke to save my life. You always make me laugh.

CDP said...

I also can't leave a bathroom without washing my hands, but this cracked me up.

Churlita said...

I am soooo not a germaphobe, but I'm right there with you on not pooping in public. Apparently, that's hereditary too. My daughter went away to camp for a week and didn't poop until she got back home...For. A. Week...Yeah.

rcubed said...

I laughed all the way through this. Great post. Although I do feel dumb now for using the diaper towel roll all this time. I guess I wanted to believe

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

CDP - of course you do - you are a real lady as opposed to me, a woman who is merely wearing a lady disguise. If you and Beckeye ever stop by for tea, I promise that my hands and everything else will be clean.

Always glad for my neurosis to make anyone laugh - it's why this blog exists.

Churlita - I thought I was cured of it out of necessity when I traveled all the time - but it's been well over 2 years and now my away-from-home-constipiation has resurfaced. It's terribly inconvenient and uncomfortable, but my mother has it too so maybe it it hereditary.

Rcubed - so glad to make you laugh - but don't beat yourself up over the cloth towel roller thingy - remember my posts are often dotted with lies and exaggerations - and just so you know - there was this one time - I don't remember where I was exactly - but for some reason I want to say Calgary and there was a brand new cloth towel roller thingy - and it was CLEAN - like I felt as though I might have been the first person to use it and I swear (exaggeration and lie warning) that the towel was warm too. It was glorious, but that might have been the only time.
Most times I use them anyway and then regret it.

Whiskeymarie said...

Fine- I'll just out myself now.

I probably only wash my hands 50-60% of the time, not for the reasons that you mention, but mostly because I don't worry about germs ever and I'm basically lazy.

You see, at work, I have to wash my hands about 372 times a day, and I figure that I deserve a break. I don't touch my hoo-ha, I don't let them get in the way of the "flush spray", and I rarely touch anything beyond the lock to the stall. I think I'll be fine.

But if I come down with a previously-undiscovered case of germ-related herpes, y'all can say "I told you so".

Tara said...

It's been awhile since I've seen those spinny diaper clothes, and I hope they're gone forever.

Definitely agree about the icy cold water in the faucets. I'll still rinse my hands in them (quickly), but then when I go back to work I wonder why my hands can't warm up.