Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Em Face Iss On the Wrong Sill AH Bull

One of my co-workers, Bag O'Mice came up to me recently to personally let me know that he had updated one of the many thousands of SOP documents that we have to use to perform our jobs effectively. The first thing you might have a problem with the way this blog post is going is probably the fact that I used the acronym SOP in the first sentence of it.

Sorry, but that is what they are called. This ain't fiction baby and I don't make this shit up. I didn't understand for a long time what it meant either, but then I'm pretty terrible at acronyms, as I have explained in a previous blog post. Apparently it stands for Standard Operating Procedures, which is the second thing that may cause you to have a problem with this blog post.

Standard Operating Procedures. Ugh - It sounds so stuffy, doesn't it? I would be just as happy to refer to these documents as:

HT-DTS - How To Do This Shit

Anyhoo... the SOP's are constantly changing and being updated and it's not enough to merely change the documents - you have to let the rest of the team know when you've changed something. Usually we do this via email, like any normal person in the 21st century would. But I'm not sure that Bag O'Mice understands such high falutin' technical concepts like attaching documents in emails so he often makes photo copies and then hands them out personally. It's a charming touch, very personable, but I can see through him like used Neutrogena.

He's kind of an old timer and a totally nice guy, but he has to be nice... because the man is about as sharp as a bag of wet mice and niceness and good looks is all he's got going on.
It's amazing to me that someone as noticeably stupid as him has remained gainfully employed for over 20 years with this company, whilst I, on the other hand, and many others like me, have been slavishly clinging to my temporary position for dear life.

Bag O'Mice is so handsome, well mannered and soft spoken that when I first started working there it took me several weeks before I noticed that he is actually mildly retarded. It happened as we were walking back to our cubicles together after a meeting one day and he started to ask me pointed questions about the very same subjects that had just been discussed in some depth only moments before in the meeting.

So he cheerfully lays the updated SOP on my desk and points to the spot that he changed:

Bag O'Mice: There's been a change in country code numbers.

Me: Which ones?

Bag O'Mice: Blah, blah and CROW-AH-TEE-AH.

Me: Crow-Ah-What-Ah?

Bag O'Mice (pointing to word on document): See? CROW-AH-TEE-AH.

Me: You mean Croatia?

After he left I tried to think of all the reasons that a college educated, 50ish guy with a wife and 2 grown children might not have ever heard of Croatia. I know that he owns a TV, more than one in fact, and I assume that he listens to the radio because he always calls me a "Good American" in lieu of saying thank you like a normal person when I do favors for him. Then of course there was that little thing called the Bosnian War that was on the news every night for most of the early and mid 90's, right? Did I dream that?

Also the company has a market there. A small market, but we talk about it ALL THE TIME becaus it's kind of new. I'm postitive that somebody would have had to have said the word "Croatia" out loud to Bag O'Mice at some point during his career with the company, especially around the time that the country code for Croatia changed which is what caused Bag O'Mice to have to change the goddamn SOP.

I guess I am feeling more than a little embittered this week as I spend my evenings and weekends updating my resume and looking for work again while dumbass mother fuckers like Bag O'Mice are hogging the good jobs. I wish he would just retire already so that I could have a chance at career complacency and dumbassed-ness too.

Seriously, Bag O'Mice should be collecting disability.

Tell me in the comments about your dumbass co-workers please.


WendyB said...

I find it sad that I immediately knew what SOP was. At least I got something from my years of working at Lehman Brothers. Well, that, Powerpoint skills and the stock that I sold near the high.

The Guv'ner said...

Let me say right now, this post made me laugh and snicker in a satisfied manner to myself, however, the thing that made me guffaw till a little fart escaped, was the photo of the clearly befuddled old gent who is looking at that computer like, "Who put this dainty little TV here and what do all these buttons do?"

Churlita said...

My Uncle still says EYE-talian. And he's from Chicago where he's had plenty of opportunities to hear it pronounced correctly by real Italian-Americans.

He did get forced out to early retirement, so at least someone else who wasn't so dumb could get his job.

Gwen said...

We could take a Bag O'Oranges to Bag O'Mice.

another good thing said...

No bag-o mices around here- as I work out of the house- had a mouse in the wall once.. and when I worked at Prudential, this guy I sat next to in the bullpen used to talk in nursery rhymes. On day a cold call turned into a sale and he hung up the phone saying, "Yes sir, yes sir. Three bags full."
Oh, and currently on my bedside table- Fodor's See it: Croatia.

Linka72 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Linka72 said...

I do tech support for the internal employees of my company..fucking idiots I tell ya!!
A lady called and I asked to to click on the start button...she says to me: "Hold on, I'm not very computer SUAVE.."
Yes, this broad said SUAVE instead of SAAVY..not only once in our conversation but TWICE..I pushed my Mute button and laughed til I cried..until I realized that she probably made 3 times what I did..sad.

CDP said...

I also didn't need the explanation of SOP; years of working in a biotech company have made me familiar with ALL KINDS of things in which I have no interest.

i am playing outside said...

maybe he had a bad experience with Croatia [like he was there and dropped his ice cream cone] and now he can't bring himself to speak the name.

Renaissance Woman said...

I work in education...so the list of people in this category goes on forever! We need new jobs!

Anonymous said...

You certainly did not need to educate me on the word SOP. I know exactly what it means. Here, I'll use it in a sentence for you.

(Use your best southern drawl while saying): Darlin', you look so good I'd like to sop you up with a bisucit and eat ya!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

WendyB - I bet that was a lot of shoes and bags. Good for you!

Guv - he's cute isn't he? I almost made one of my homemade captions with a similar quote, but I figured the picture spoke for the old man's cluelessness all by itself and you proved me right. So thanks for that - I love to be right.

Churlita - my friend Jogger says Eye-Talian and it drives me batshit crazy. It makes no sense because when I ask her where the Eye-Talians live she doesn't say Eye-Taly - she says Italy like a normal person.

Gwen - I would settle for early retirement - but a good solid beating might put him out on disability for awhile.

AGT - Thankfully I don't work in close enough proximity to detect these kinds of annoying habits very often.

Linka - when I used to do tech support the thing people would say most frequently that I found so very irritating was "I hat to bother you". How effing dumb is that? To call and IT person and apologize for asking me to do my job. Hitch on your big balls and ask for help I say.

CDP - is it too much to ask that the SOP's be even remotely useful too? They are the most boring, hard to understand pieces of crap reading - and nobody ever really updates them like we are supposed to so they are old and out of date.

Player - I'm sure he probably thinks it's still part of the Soviet Union.

RenWoman - I salute you!

SRU - mmm gravy!

Tara said...

One of our main guys from head office asked me who my SST was, and I must've given him a deer-in-headlights, blanked out look. I asked him what an SST was, and he said, "The person who fixes your computers." I told him I just call him our computer guy.

Anonymous said...

What's sadder is that even though I knew what SOP meant, I forgot until you explained it...
Btw, "CROW-AH-TEE-AH".. hahahahaaa