The same person* who takes great pride in eating directly out of cans (because it saves him having to wash dishes), and boastfully uses the same coffee mug, for a multitude of beverages from morning until bedtime, coffee (obviously), orange juice, soda, milk, beer (what have you), without ever rinsing it, is somehow also the same person who sparked out yesterday with an emotional decree:
"You shouldn't open the blinds during the day!!! Eventually the carpet will fade."
Hey, fuck you Heloise. I'm opening the blinds.
What am I Howard Hughes? If you suggest that I start wearing slippers made from tissue boxes because it helps prevent scuffs on hardwood flooring I am just as likely to tell you to go piss up a rope. On second thought, don't do that. There's a distinct line between fading and piss, let's not cross it.
To be fair there have been a lot of emotional decrees lately. I get it, it's a new house, and we are filling it almost daily with new furnishings and bits and bobs. We want it to stay nice.
1. There will be no eating or drinking of beverages, other than ice or water, or any combination of the two, while in the living room or while sitting upon or near any of the new furniture. (This is my rule, but I often find myself watching the new giant TV while standing just on the other side of the back of the sofa, feet firmly planted on the tile in the breakfast nook**, munching on a snack and thinking about how fucking stupid my new rule is and, if MDH isn't home, eventually breaking this rule by planting my snacky ass right on the new sofa and munching away.)
2. The bed will be made daily by the person who remains in it the longest. (Or in other words, last one up is a rotten egg. This is also my rule. What the hell is wrong with me?)
3. The kitchen counter and bar will no longer be a repository for mail and crap from the bottom of a purse or pockets or any combination of these items. (Yep. Also my rule. The rest of the rule should say: All mail and crap, etc., is to be shoveled haphazardly into the black hole next to the sink hereby referred to as "the menu drawer" before MDH arrives home from work.)
I suppose the theme of this post, if there has to be one is that I project my crazy shit onto MDH, make my own rules, promptly break them, and then hide it.
Seriously though, not opening the blinds to keep the carpet from fading?
Since I'm no longer allowed to enjoy sunshine in my own home, why don't we just never walk on it either. In fact, let's just kill ourselves (neatly, over plastic in the garage, don't get nutty, concrete absorbs stains) so that we can hover over the new furniture and finishes, enjoying the glory of it all as ghostly spirits, so that it can all remain perfect and pristine forever and ever.
Maybe we can compromise and just wear sheets around the house in order to minimize the dust particles we shed.
No. Fuck the carpet. I want to live. Preferably in my new home which, by the way, gets excellent light all day, which, by the way, is one of the reasons we moved here.
Right. Now, please shut up, turn the sofa cushion over and pass me the popcorn.
*In hindsight I'm not sure that I made it perfectly clear that it's MDH I'm referring to as the person who eats directly out of cans and uses the same mug all day without rinsing it.
**We don't have a table in there yet, so I will probably feel less stupid when I don't have to stand up while I'm snacking. Probably.