Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Stop Making Sense

The same person* who takes great pride in eating directly out of cans (because it saves him having to wash dishes), and boastfully uses the same coffee mug, for a multitude of beverages from morning until bedtime, coffee (obviously), orange juice, soda, milk, beer (what have you), without ever rinsing it, is somehow also the same person who sparked out yesterday with an emotional decree:

"You shouldn't open the blinds during the day!!!  Eventually the carpet will fade."

Um, what

Hey, fuck you Heloise.  I'm opening the blinds.

What am I Howard Hughes?  If you suggest that I start wearing slippers made from tissue boxes because it helps prevent scuffs on hardwood flooring I am just as likely to tell you to go piss up a rope.  On second thought, don't do that.  There's a distinct line between fading and piss, let's not cross it.

To be fair there have been a lot of emotional decrees lately.  I get it, it's a new house, and we are filling it almost daily with new furnishings and bits and bobs.  We want it to stay nice.

1.  There will be no eating or drinking of beverages, other than ice or water, or any combination of the two, while in the living room or while sitting upon or near any of the new furniture.  (This is my rule, but I often find myself watching the new giant TV while standing just on the other side of the back of the sofa, feet firmly planted on the tile in the breakfast nook**, munching on a snack and thinking about how fucking stupid my new rule is and, if MDH isn't home, eventually breaking this rule by planting my snacky ass right on the new sofa and munching away.)

2.  The bed will be made daily by the person who remains in it the longest.  (Or in other words, last one up is a rotten egg.  This is also my rule.  What the hell is wrong with me?)

3.  The kitchen counter and bar will no longer be a repository for mail and crap from the bottom of a purse or pockets or any combination of these items.  (Yep.  Also my rule.  The rest of the rule should say: All mail and crap, etc., is to be shoveled haphazardly into the black hole next to the sink hereby referred to as "the menu drawer" before MDH arrives home from work.)

I suppose the theme of this post, if there has to be one is that I project my crazy shit onto MDH, make my own rules, promptly break them, and then hide it. 

Seriously though, not opening the blinds to keep the carpet from fading?  

Since I'm no longer allowed to enjoy sunshine in my own home, why don't we just never walk on it either.  In fact, let's just kill ourselves (neatly, over plastic in the garage, don't get nutty, concrete absorbs stains) so that we can hover over the new furniture and finishes, enjoying the glory of it all as ghostly spirits, so that it can all remain perfect and pristine forever and ever.

Maybe we can compromise and just wear sheets around the house in order to minimize the dust particles we shed.

No.  Fuck the carpet.  I want to live.  Preferably in my new home which, by the way, gets excellent light all day, which, by the way, is one of the reasons we moved here.

Right.  Now, please shut up, turn the sofa cushion over and pass me the popcorn. 

It's fine.

*In hindsight I'm not sure that I made it perfectly clear that it's MDH I'm referring to as the person who eats directly out of cans and uses the same mug all day without rinsing it.

**We don't have a table in there yet, so I will probably feel less stupid when I don't have to stand up while I'm snacking.  Probably.

5 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Just get it over with and go spill on everything!

You will thank me later...

Mnmom said...

How are you going to have a happy life if you can't eat on the sofa and open the drapes??? I bought a microfiber couch and a cheap coffee table so we could not only eat there but put our feet up too! Relax, it's only stuff.

Chris the Hippie said...

I quite often mutter the phrase, "I bought this to USE it." We had to take out a loan earlier this year to buy a four-wheeler for me to putter around the acreage with. "Keep in mind I'm buying this to use it," I told Beloved Wifey. "I'm not going to try to keep it 'nice'." And sure enough, I've scratched the thing up hauling wood out of the grove, splashed merrily through mud puddles to plant trees, whanged into fence posts at high rates of speed whilst drinking beer out of a coffee mug, you know how it goes...

I don't try to keep books nice - I read them, sometimes whilst eating Cheetos, I roll over them in my sleep, I knock them on the floor, I prop them up on the table to read while I eat messy things... I bought the book to READ it.

I've only bought one new bass guitar in my life. I fell in love with its elegant curves as it hung delicately in the music store. I'd never seen such a sleek, perfect guitar - solid black, polished to a high shine... I took it home and YAY! It played as good as it looked! But I wasn't really able to play with much energy. Everything I played seemed... wussie. I finally figured it out - I was afraid of boogering up my new toy. I promptly cracked a beer, got a screwdriver, and scritched a six-inch scratch on the back of the bass. NOW I could really play it! I didn't have to baby the thing... (Twenty years later, I still play that bass. Surprisingly it only has one more scratch in it!)

Brewella Deville said...

I hated the make the bed rule as a child, but now I follow it religiously so go figure. In my defense, I don't force it on my kid.

Nawahl Razak said...

hilarious!