Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Congratulations! Your identity is now available to be stolen and abused.

I had a phone interview this morning. Don't get too excited. I'm not. In fact I hesitate to write about these things on my blog anymore, which is why I haven't been blogging much lately because applying for work and having phone interviews is all that seems to be happening lately and you all are always so nice to me and wish me good luck and I feel the love, I really do ... and then nothing happens and I just hate to put myself and you guys through it over and over again. So I just simply haven't felt like letting you in on my current struggle.

But today... Today it went well. It really did. I was pleased, the phone screener seemed pleased and informed me that she will be moving my resume forward and will recommend an in-person interview. Great. Goody for me. I really was thrilled. Then she sent me a follow up email with a link and request to complete an online application within 48 hours.

It was all sunshine and kisses, unicorns and sex-dreams until I realized that I would actually need the entire 48 hours to fill out the application.

It should not take a reasonably intelligent, fully caffeinated, fully eager and fully alert grown up human lady over an hour to fill out an online job application. But that is exactly the ordeal I have just been through. People, I needed to get up and walk around to loosen up my joints and get some blood circulating afterwards. What the hell man?

It should not be this hard.

Especially considering the fact I had already filled out an online application for this job that I thought was pretty thorough, like I mentioned, and sent in a resume and a cover letter. How fucking much do these people need to know about me before I can even have an interview set up?

Apparently a lot. Jesus Christ on a pony.

And if I were not so goddamn desperate to find gainful employment I probably would have given up about 20 minutes into the spectacle when I filled out a form requiring my date of birth. My date of birth? Including the year. Why the hell do they need this information when I haven't even had a goddamn interview yet?

I am tempted (angry enough) to show some initiative and go that extra mile and take a big shit, snap a photo and email it to them. How ya like me now? Now here's some serious personal information about me.

The other weird thing besides filling out a 300 page application and taking pictures of my own poo is that it's just a regular job. The same kind of IT job I have been applying for all along and I assure you this not an organization providing security for the Pope, pelvic exams for Queen Elizabeth or even clerical work for the city, state or US government. It's a fucking insurance company.

I'm just trying to get a job, not adopt a Chinese baby boy.

Ordinarily I might have told these people to get bent as I wouldn't normally provide this kind of information until after I have accepted or even been offered a position. But I need a job and this one seems like a goody, so I kept going. I not only gave these people permission to crawl straight up my ass, I also provided them with a map and flashlight. I gave them every scrap of information about me and then I gave them permission to get even more information - driving record, criminal background check, credit check and promised that if they hire me I would submit to drug tests, aptitude tests and I'm pretty sure a pap smear.

When I was finally finished I convinced myself that it wasn't so bad. I went to the kitchen refilled my coffee and had a slice of pie for a reward. Then about half an hour ago I checked my email and discovered yet another email from this company. This time an auto response to my online application that said "Congratulations!" in the subject line. As if to acknowledge their asinine method is purposefully ridiculous. I wanted to laugh, but it came out more as a hysterical and high pitched Ngah! Mainly because I had a mouth full of pie.

Anyhoo... maybe they set it up like that to weed out the riff-raff, but they do not know who they are dealing with - I'm like a fucking cockroach - you can't get rid of me that easily. You will interview me, I will be fabulous and you will be crazy not to hire me motherfuckers. Ridiculously complicated and confusing online applications? Bring it.

12 comments:

Churlita said...

Maybe they're just trying to find someone who can take a whole bunch of crap. You don't always want to win the crap taker prize, but I hope you get the job!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Lady, I'm not even kidding you when I say that for years it's baffled me as to why job applications have to be so effing complicated. I think the same thing myself - I am reasonably intelligent, good at comprehension, have a solid background to write about yet...half the time I feel like I'm mentally challenged when confronted with those things. The only thing more confusing to me is a tax form. :) Or why people like "The Big Bang Theory".

SkylersDad said...

I have a question about line item #342. You responded "yes" to having been in prison, and "yes" to were you someones bitch, but you neglected to fill out the number and type of prison tats.

Please respond prior to close of business, and have a great day!
HR

i am playing outside said...

you rock. i'd be the type to fill it all out too. although in canada, its illegal for them to ask your age.

Suze said...

Fingers crossed that you get the job. I once filled out an application for a "big" christian network. It asked if I drank or smoked. Of course I lied, but I figured I could get in some prayer time and ask for forgiveness if they hired me. They didn't. Assholes.

BeckEye said...

I didn't think you were adopting a Chinese baby boy. That application is pretty simple:

Are you famous?

Yes - Congratulations! Your Chinese baby will arrive within 8-10 business days.

No - Sorry, you're not a fit parent.

WendyB said...

My brother-in-law had a job that required 10 interviews, several written exams, and a psychological test. And no, it wasn't to be a pilot or doctor or anything serious. He was at the job for about a year, the economy tanked and they laid everyone off. No psych exam on the way out though.

Coaster Punchman said...

Asking for your date of birth on a job application should be illegal - and it fact it probably is. They can ask for that later, after they've made an offer and need to proceed to a background check. I'd sue their asses.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Churlita - I have walked out in a huff too many times so I could never win the crap taker prize - oh dear that sounds funny - then again, maybe I could win it in another context.

Veg - At this point in my unemployment and under-employment life I have just about seen everything and this seemed excessively difficult and prying.

Skydad - I'll have to check your back issues of Bad Tat Tuesdays and send in something good and nasty.

Player - It's not legal to ask for age here either, but I think this form was for a credit check - although why they give a shit before they interview me is unorthodox.

Suze - I wouldn't last very long at a christian anything - but wherever I work I promise never to drink or smoke while I'm on the job - much.

Beckeye - you're right it's probably much less complicated to adopt a foreign baby - but I was thinking from China boys harder than girls... either way I'm not famous enough to make it happen.

WendyB - right! They are so concerned about what kind of person you are before they hire you - but nobody considers what ends up happening to you afterwards...

Coaster - hi! Thanks for chiming in... I know that it's not legal, but I'm thinking I'll hold off suing them until after they don't hire me and then I can call it age discrimination.

Linka72 said...

*gasp* @ Veg Assassin...I LOVE The Big Bang Theory hahaha
Anywhoo Lady, I work for an Insurance company and believe me, there's nothing but idiots and whores here (guess which one I am)...and I had to go through THREE different interviews for THREE different jobs in this company before I landed the IT job..sigh, sad huh?

The Vegetable Assassin said...

No Linka, no! It has brainwashed your taste genes! :)

Lady, I didn't think they could ask your date of birth until later either. Mine is never on my resume or anything, even when I worked in the States. It's really none of their business nor does it prevent you from doing the job. Effers.

Del-V said...

Well, at least you have pie.