Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Don't mind me, I'm just some lady who randomly wandered into your yard...

"My mutha, my brutha."

Then nothing.

It was more of a grunt really, followed by 2 nods, one in the direction of my mother in law and one in the direction of my husband.

This was the way in which my brother in law, formerly known on this blog as Syracuse and heretofore known as Captain Caveman, introduced me to his friends, neighbors and finally to the family of his ex-wife at the back yard barbecue they hosted Saturday evening to celebrate his daugher's high school graduation, which is to say not at all.

"My mutha, my brutha."

Then nothing.

After about the 3rd or 4th time I decided to officially move Captain Caveman from the column in the spreadsheet of my mind marked "Somewhat Rude Yet Tolerable" to the column marked "Economy Sized Asshole".

I would like to rise above these types of situations. Grin and bear it as they say, but a lady can only take so much.

My anger had been building up throughout the day after I had been forced several times to introduce myself in an awkward and overly cheerful lilt, realizing that Captain Caveman's six syllable introductions were never going to include me.

By the time we got to the graduation party at his ex wife's house late in the afternoon and the umpteenth fucking time of being totally disregarded in this manner and at the same time having had the epiphany that I didn't even merit a grunt or nod from my dickhead of a brother in law, I was steaming mad and blurted out the very words you see in the title of this post in a loud tone and the surliest of expressions.

At least I didn't stab him in the ear with a plastic picnic fork and scratch his eyes out as was my instinct, but even my surly outburst didn't phase him at all. He ignored me then too.

It pretty much summed up our weekend in upstate New York. MDH and I who are strapped for cash at the moment and PS I'm about to be out of a job, drove all the way to New York, paid for everything, including but not limited to our nieces graduation dinner on Friday night to which Captain Caveman had invited us, breakfast 2 days in a row and were offered nothing in return.

Not even a "thanks", which I might add is only one syllable and could very easily be grunted.

Get in line ladies - he's single!

Anyhoo... On a lighter and merrier note MDH and I brought his mother home with us. She's staying until after the holiday and she's lovely. I lucked out in the mother in law department. She's sweet and funny, does the dishes, makes her bed every day and swears up and down that she doesn't care a lick what we want to watch on TV.

I love her awful.

How she created such a band of baboons (except MDH of course, who is an angel straight from heaven) I have no idea. You can read brief biographies of my 4 brothers in law here if you want.

She has a very thick Cambridge accent:

Shawts = shorts
Sawks = Red Sox
Shawah = shower
Pawk chaps = pork chops

See what I mean? Adorable.


Dan said...

And now I am reminded why I didn't want to spend Thanksgiving with that douchebag.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Dan - Dude I cannot even tell you how much I wish MDH hadn't driven you and Steph away by inviting him that year. MDH didn't understand why you wouldn't come - he has a much higher tolerance for the grunting and poor treatment of his wife than I would like.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I forgot how much I adore stories about your brothers-in-law and their oddities. And how truly sorry I feel for you dealing with them. And how totally happy I am you found the pearl amongst all those oysters. What a rude fucker CC is. Even impolite oafs know to at least say thanks. Was MDH pissed too?

Helen said...

Oh my. Wow. I'm so sorry! That sounds horrible! Stories like this make me eternally grateful for my brother choosing a truly amazing girl for a sister-in-law for me!

SkylersDad said...

Nobody should have to put up with that shit. And sorry to hear about your job.

Gwen said...

To be honest, I was expecting a much more appalling recap of your time spent with Captain Douchebag.

And you can wander into my yard any time you like. I promise to put you on a pedastal and fawn all over you the entire time. You think I'm kidding but I'm not.

CDP said...

I'm with VA. While I'm sorry you had such a rotten weekend, your BILs always do make excellent blogging material, and you always make the most of it.

Michelle said...

Oh, I just HATE inconsiderate people. But I love that you actually said something LOL! I am starting to speak up for myself and will you use you as a model. Thanks.

Suze said...

I do believe we have the same family. Come on over here - I'll introduce you to everyone and perhaps even have them inappropriately touch you!

Happy 4th!