Thursday, May 7, 2009

An Open Letter To - you know who you are...

Kelly Bensimon is a tool.

Dear People of Grand Rapids Who Enjoy Jogging On Busy City Streets During Rush Hour,

Although personally I don't understand the thrill of running, or any other boob jostling activity for that matter, I would like to state for the record that I thoroughly respect your commitment to fitness. It's totally cool.

What I do not fully understand however is why some of you people insist on doing your running during rush hour on some of the busiest streets in the city. I know lots of people who like to run but, as far as I know, I don't know anybody in their right mind that enjoys endangering the lives of themselves and others in traffic.


You are a hazard.

Besides, c'mon people, it's Grand Rapids! It's not exactly a bustling metropolis. I realize that it's spring and you're all excited to remove your snow boots for a few weeks, but all you need to do is just move your silly ass over one block in any direction and you'll be on a nice quiet side street with leafy green trees, chirping birdies, extra wide sidewalks and periodic speed bumps that cause what little automobile traffic there is to slow down and be more more likely to see you and not run your silly ass down.


Also there are many other safe choices in the city including several public parks that have paved trails designed specifically for such activities as jogging and running.


But you surely are not agog at this news. I mean since there are so many other safe alternatives I'm starting to wonder that perhaps you prefer to do your running on a busy street at such a busy time of day on purpose. But why?


Does sucking in large lungfuls of car exhaust give an extra boost to your runners high?

Do you enjoy the dirty looks people give you and the bad karma you are stirring up when you hold up traffic because some poor, innocent lady in a VW is trying to turn left into Taco Bell and has to wait 3 extra seconds for you to jog yourself clear of the entrance? Do you?

All I can say is jogging on the busiest street in the city at the busiest time of the day doesn't make you glamorous. It makes you an inconsiderate shit for brains.

Some people have had a long hard day at work and are pretty eager to grab a quick bite to eat and get home safely without having to worry about smearing your silly ass all over the pavement.

So get the fuck out of the way.

If you like running on this street maybe you should try running on it when it's not between the hours 5:15pm and 6pm on a fucking weeknight.

Again I must refer to the fact that this is Grand Rapids. If you could only just keep your long pants on a bit longer. Wait a scant 20 minutes to take your public airing and you will find that rush hour in this sleepy burg will have ended and innocent people in their cars won't have work so hard to avoid killing you.

I'm telling you it's a strain.

Cut it out.

Love, Lady

16 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Those people are complete idiots. No runner worth their salt wants to suck in exhaust, they are just trying to look cool.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Amen to THAT! I never understand those fools either. Like those people in big cities who rollerblade through rush hour traffic. Uh...the fuck? Do they have a death wish? It's bad enough navigating that mess in a car!

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

That's kinda what I'm thinking 'cause it's never someone who looks like me - it's typically very cut shirtless guys or very cut women wearing sports bras and little else besides earbuds - in other words male and female eye candy. Making these people even more hazardous.

Veg - At least the people I'm bitching about in my town are on the sidewalk - unlike Kelly Bensimon in the photo at the top of my blog who apparently loves to go for a run with the cabs on Madison Ave (or wherever that picture is - I don't really know, but it still drives me mad (so to speak)).

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Oops I forgot to put Skydad in front of my comment response - I was very fired up.

Hee!

REread said...

ha ha ... great post

CDP said...

Well said. I'd add to this that there are bike routes all over Washington, so there's really no need to take up a traffic lane on Georgia Avenue with a mountain bike. Bah.

BeckEye said...

I don't even like people who bike on the street. I had no idea that idiots were running. Maybe because they would never do that in NYC. If they did, we'd have a much lower population.

Churlita said...

Wow. Really? i've been running for over 30 years and I would never run on the street and I try to run as far away from busy parts of town as possible.

Greta said...

Maybe the cons of getting smooshed by a car outweigh the cons of getting attacked and mutilated in a park.

Who knows?

I don't like any booby jostling activity either. I've just watched a lot of SVU.

Michelle said...

Oh yeah, Kelly Bensimon IS A TOOL.

Lana said...

i aim for those runners with my car, mostly just to see how fast they can really run.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

ReRe - I'm glad you liked it - thanks for stopping by!

CDP - DC is lousy with bikers and runners in inconvenient places, but I give a little wiggle room as it is actual city.

Beckeye - when I saw Ms. Bensimon running with the cabs, camera crew in tow, holding up traffic on Real Housewives blathering something about how free it makes her feel - I'm still at a loss for words other than - good for you, you're carefree now get the hell out of the road jackass.

Churlita - Yesterday was really an anomoly - I don't normally see that many people running on the busy street - but it was weird and I wanted them to find a safer place.

Greta - I hadn't even thought of that.

Michelle - have you been watching Real Housewives - it's like I want to like her, and I like how she is with her kids, but then she opens her mouth and she's completely disconnected to any reality outside of her own personal space. She's freaky.

Lana - I hope you have good insurance.

sparsely kate said...

I don't see too many runners in Canberra but the cyclists, they are SO annoying...really, a footpath is just there but no, they insist on riding on the roads next to two lane traffic. Hate driving near them, always scared I'll knock one over. And aggressive..they are freaks! Freaks in lycra!

Curses those pesky exercise people, can't they get a new hobby like eating or something?

Michelle said...

I DO watch Real Housewives...I just can't stand Kelly! I just want to smack her.

Suze said...

A guy was "roller skating" in the street. Yes, he stopped at all the traffic signals...but WTF? Roller skating? Idiot!

catherinette said...

Hit them with your car. They totally deserve it.

Bastards.