Thursday, November 13, 2008

When You Tickle Me Do I Not Throw Up?

I've been sick with a rotten head cold for almost two weeks now. I could see it coming but it was too late, we were surrounded. MDH and I jokingly referred to our train ride home from Chicago as the tuberculosis express because of the freakish amount of open mouthed coughing and sneezing going on around us by what seemed like every single human being seated within a 10 foot radius.

By now of course I'm feeling much better, practically back to normal. No more fever and chills but for some reason all the great gobs of snot created during the course of my illness have decided to make a winter nest in my sinuses and just hang around for awhile doing bong hits and watching reruns of Mork & Mindy. So even though technically I guess I'm not sick anymore I remain a disgusting mess and have apparently lost the ability to control all my parts because once at work and numerous times at home I have coughed or sneezed and busted out with an uncontrollably boisterous fart.

At home that's not a big deal. Happens all the time. So much so that I barely notice and most of the time and admittedly, I am probably doing it on purpose or at the very least controlling the volume, force and tempo. Sometimes I even do it timed perfectly to punctuate a fake yet graceful, karate style round house kick to my husbands head or some other equally mature form of physical humor. Ah yes. Those are great moments. When I'm at home.

The one at work seemed particularly hearty and long lasting and my office is carpeted so there no getting away with trying to scoot my chair all around trying to create a similar noise. Nor could I cover it up with more coughing.

It just happened unexpectedly and I couldn't control it.

The shame of it all. I farted at work and it was loud. People heard it and then pretended like they didn't and I was mortified. Not that I would have warmly welcomed any comments at that particular moment, but still.

The closest I can find to any bright sides to this story is that:

A. At least I didn't crap my pants

And

B. In retrospect it's kinda funny and at least funny enough to blog about. Although at the moment it happened I wanted to die.

Anyhoo... it made me think of this Dimitri Martin bit, mainly the part where he talks about how funny farts are by location (starts about 1:44) - it's like 9 minutes but worth it if you haven't seen it and have the time:



22 comments:

The Guv'ner said...

Oh dude. I've so done this. It's like a satanic duet. A particularly enthusiastic sneeze just births an equally enthusiastic, simultaneous butt emission. Luckily when I did it, I had my own office but it was pretty echoey therefore, it reverberated for what seemed like hours. And of course several people were in the corridor at the time.

It's so embarrassing yet....I bet you laughed for hours at yourself too.

The Lady Who Doesn't Lunch: said...

Hi Guv - You are right of course I giggled all day and then came home and immediately wrote a blog post about it.

Poobomber said...

This is the kind of stuff that I live for.

If I knew there weren't going to be any more coughfarts in the world anymore, I'd kill myself.

Gwen said...

I love when that happens but I'm always a little afraid after, as if the simultaneous expulsion of air from both ends of my body might stop the Earth from spinning on its axis or make me turn inside out.

Glad you're feeling better, M'Lady! I missed you!

Some Guy said...

Surely you know by now that I'm a sucker for a good fart post. Luckily, at my office of only two of us, we take pride in our farts. There is no shame.

Great video, by the way.

Renaissance Woman said...

I was laughing so hard at this post that I farted! And good job on the upside...crapping your pants would have been hard to find the upside. LOL! Glad your feeling better.

pistols at dawn said...

No one ever assumes it's coming from a lady, so you should be all right...unless, of course, you've already proven that you're not super ladylike.

i am playing outside said...

you make me smile. and also, you make me take a few steps back. but that's ok.

and yes, you didn't crap your pants, and that's a very good thing. taht's even BETTER than your standard martha stewart good thing.

dmarks said...

This cold has been going around.

Tara said...

Murphy's law states that, as soon as something like that happens, someone will need something in your area. You could be alone in the most unpopular aisle at the store. Then gas happens and suddenly everyone needs something from that aisle. Maybe Murphy's Law doesn't state that, but it should, because it's true.

Bethie said...

Agreed that IMMEDIATELY when this happens someone will stroll in the office and want to chat. How to handle that sitch is the question. Do you just ignore it even if the person starts twitching at the stench? Do you own up to it? Do you create a diversion? I usually opt for a diversion....not that this usually happens to me...

CDP said...

Hilarious. And welcome back!

SkylersDad said...

Good fart humor always reminds me of the old Eddie Murphy line, "Oh man, you caught me with my mouth open!"

Churlita said...

Personally, I would make a Winter nest anywhere I found a sanctuary to do bong hits and watch reruns of Mork and Mindy. How can you blame the great gobs of snot?

boredmando said...

Dimitri Martin is insanely hilarious. Hoorah for flip charts!

Linka72 said...

Lady.. thanks for making me laugh so hard at work that I:

1. Farted a little

2. Had to cover my mouth because I was literally SCREAMING with laughter.

Laughing at others is sooo fun..isn't it..okay maybe it's just me, I am Satan Spawn after all.

Suze said...

Well on the bright side (again), at least you knew exactly what they were all talking about at lunch.

I'm glad you're back. I can now call off the search turtles. Let's see, they left last week and I do believe they've finally left my driveway. Come back guys. Hey, can a turtle flip someone off?

WendyB said...

I would have been more impressed if you crapped your pants, because that would have been kind of unique.

sparsely kate said...

hAHAHAHA! Oh this was funny, thank you for my laugh.

'At the moment I farted, I wanted to die'

boy can I relate. Just hilarious.

*hope you feel better soon though!*

Leonesse said...

I tooted in the bathroom the other day. Totally unexpected. And hella embarrasing.

Chris said...

The other day I had to go to a meeting. I really didn't know that it was supposed to be a fancy meeting, so I just threw a coat on, grabbed the dog, and rode my bicycle downtown. Okay... Now I'm in a meeting where everyone else is dressed up, suits and ties, dresses, yadda yadda, and I'm sitting here with a tuke and a ripped up AC/DC T-shirt with my dog under my chair.

The dog decided, that particular moment, as I was speaking and everyone was looking at me, to pass gas. It wasn't audible, but you could SEE it. I mean, not just a "who tooted?" kind of gas, but a "HOLY WOW WHERE'S THE DOOR" kind of gas.

And they all thought it was me.

i am playing outside said...

beautiful new layout! :)