Friday, February 22, 2013

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This - Special "Get Away from Me With That" Edition

My bout of writer's block has lasted long enough that I'm ready to throw in the towel and refer to the salad days of my blogging as a fluke.  Seriously, sometimes I look back at some of my old posts and wonder just who the hell wrote them.

In an attempt to recapture some of that blogging magic I have decided to return to my roots.  Yes.  I decided to revisit the original source of inspiration when I started this blog - the largest compository of stupid unnessary consumer products - the Harriet Carter catalog.  I also decided to check in on my other old favorite - Skymall.

Let's see what's new in the world of wasting your MeeMaw and PeePaws money shall we?

Protein Ketchup

"Protein Ketchup is the first protein-fortified condiment. With 15 grams of protein, zero fat, and two servings of tomatoes in every "dipper-style" one-ounce cup, Protein Ketchup delivers the taste and mouthfeel you expect, with the nutrition you want."

First of all, shut up and stop saying "mouthfeel" you pervert.  And B, why not just eat something besides french fries and onion rings, eh Fattie?  I shudder to think of what kind of terrifying DNA alteration would happen if you slather this shit on a genetically modified beef patty.  I can say nothing nice about this except, at least it's not mayonnaise.

Hot Dog Slice 'n' Serve

I had to include this.  I mean, what an important invention for the 21st century and beyond.  Oh sure, laugh now, but we are going to need this when the robots take over and ban the use of all butter knives.

Pulse Massager and Pads

Apparently not for people who live alone. I mean how are you going to stick all that stuff on your back all by yourself.  What a useless piece of shit.  What else are you going to do with four little vibrating suction... cups... if you're at home by yourself... wait. Nevermind.  Genius.

Hot Feet Microwave Slippers

Because your house doesn't stink enough already?  I don't know about you, but my slippers smell like rotten chili-cheese fritos and are probably the last thing I'd want to put anywhere near a location where food is prepared.


Brewella Deville said...

Let's face it, most of us bloggers will never enter Joyce Carol Oates territory. That witch has an entire row at my public library. She obviously gets paid by the pound.

Oh, and that hot dog thingie? That's something my mom would have totally bought for my little brother.

SkylersDad said...

You know what I found out about myself? I can make a sexual reference about any of those products! (wipe hands and smiles smugly)

Whiskeymarie said...

I'm only slightly embarrassed to say that the ketchup intrigued me. I would probably eat that crap.

And though it's likely no comfort to you, I'm just now VERY slowly emerging from a 3+ year bout of blogger writer's block. It's a bitch, I get it.

Professor Chaos said...

I already have enough of a problem with slippers. They're super-comfortable for about 2 minutes, then my feet start screaming "let us out of this fucking sauna!" I can't imagine if the slippers just came out of the microwave!

Coaster Punchman said...

Ha! "Seriously, sometimes I look back at some of my old posts and wonder just who the hell wrote them."