Saturday, August 29, 2009

Nobody In Their Right Mind Would Need This - Special SkyMall Edition

It has been quite awhile since I've been inspired by a product so dumb that I am moved to actually get up off my ass and then sit back down again in my office chair and create a post about it, but here it is:

The "Head Spa Massager"

Brought to you by the brilliant minds at SkyMall:

What fool can resist Italian design when paired with Japanese engineering?

Please, pretty please wear it to work.

I understand that times are tough so if you crave ownership of this lovely gadget but cannot afford $49.99 + shipping give me a call and I will personally come to your home, hand you a glass of red wine, put a spaghetti strainer on your head and knock you around a little bit until your blood circulation improves and you feel more relaxed.

I'm here to help.

Monday, August 17, 2009

A Guest Post from My Cat Turtle

My owner-lady can't come to the blogs right now because she's too damn depressed and uninspired. More lap for me, less blog for you I guess. Meanwhile she has asked me to write a guest post which is quite a stretch for me considering that my brain is only the size of a walnut and my front paws are declawed which makes typing a bitch.

Anyhoo... (my owner-lady told me to say that) I thought I would take this opportunity to do that Bernard Pivot/Proust questionnaire that James Lipton does on Inside the Actor's Studio

1. What is your favorite word?

2. What is your least favorite word?

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally?
Being told "No!" often inspires me to keep trying that much harder to go after the things that I want. I'm also a big proponent of napping.

4. What turns you off?
People who are duplicitous. Also getting wet, it's so undignified.

5. What is your favorite curse word?
Motherfucker. I say it all the time!

6. What sound or noise do you love?
The sound of children laughing, rain tapping gently on the roof, the can opener, and crinkling paper.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?
The vacuum cleaner.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

9. What profession would you not like to do?
Accountant. Bo-ring!

10. If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates?
Jump up here on the counter and have some chicken!

Monday, August 3, 2009

A Random Shit List

1. Foil yogurt lids that seem specifically designed to spooge all over your clean blouse, computer monitor or any nearby surface that you would prefer not appear to be splashed with a pale creamy substance. Is there a brand of yogurt that has a lid designed to avoid lid-spooge? Can we have that please?

2. Person who drove a big giant beat up old camper to work every day last week and took up four parking spaces. Not that it inconvenienced me in any real way, other than that there were three less spaces available for the rest of us, but the idea of it bugged the shit out of me on many levels. However, as I walked by it each day on my way into the building I began to imagine all of the ways it would be inconvenient, expensive and not just a little embarrassing to be reduced to driving a big giant beat up old camper as your every day vehicle and then I wondered if perhaps you haven't hit upon some pretty hard times and don't need the added burden of my silent scorn. Or maybe you are just a dick.

3. Mysterious otherness in the butter. Actually, anything other than butter in the butter whether it is mysterious or recognizable is wrong, wrong, wrong.

4. ATM machines that ask me to choose English or Spanish for my transaction.

Um.... English.

I don't recall using an ATM anywhere else in the world that asked me to choose a language. In France you get French, in Mexico you get Spanish and so on.

I forgot to press the button to get cash back with my very important purchase of a hay bale sized box of maxi pads, peanut butter ice cream, and a bag of Cheetos at the check out counter in CVS the other day so I decided to use the cash machine next to the front door on my way out. It's the kind of purchase that really helps to explain the current delicate condition of my psyche. Anyhoo.. the ATM asked me not only to choose English or Spanish, which as I explained I already find irritating, but after I chose English it then asked me IN ENGLISH - You have chosen English for this transaction - is that correct?

Uh yeah... I meant to choose English, but riddle me this - If I had accidentally chosen the wrong language how would I be able to read your dumbass follow up question?

Also wondering aloud if anyone out there happens to be a designer of ATM machines - why the fuck is there a braille option on the drive-up ATM?

That is all for now - thank you for listening.

UPDATE 2:58PM - Just to clarify: I do not hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish out of any militant anti-immigration leanings. Frankly I could care less. The more the merrier I always say. No. I hate the ATM asking me English or Spanish because it is a waste of my precious time.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Nostalgia Saturday

I was an Electric Company kid. I loved and watched Sesame Street too, but when I look back on it I think I probably watched the Electric Company throughout a much longer period of my childhood and I even remember watching it in school during inside recess.

Anyhoo... the other night I watched a little one hour documentary that I recorded on PBS. It was called The Electric Company's Greatest Hits and while watching this show I laughed and cried and sang along to all the old songs that I hadn't thought of for so long, but are so embedded in my brain there is no way I could ever have forgotten them.

I'm pasting a few of them here just in case any of you were Electric Company kids like I was and I hope you enjoy them as much as I always have.


Tom Lehrer's LY Song

Tom Lehrer's Silent E Song